greenmangostudio

I was making a quesadilla and I wanted some chicken in it. Shouldn't be too bad... So I get the frozen chicken and read the instructions, specifically the microwave instructions. It said to put on a plate and cover and cook on MEDIUM for 14 to 16 minutes. Problem is, I forgot to cook it on medium and cooked it on high. I set the time on the microwave for 15 minutes and went upstairs to wait, also setting a timer on my phone in case I don't hear the microwave beep. 15 minutes go by and I head down, down the steps it smelled like a good cooked chicken, but once I got the microwave, it smelled like death. Smoke was seeping through the microwave door and I opened it, let it cool off a bit and looked at it. There was mostly black goop with the piece of chicken all shriveled up. I promptly threw all of it out into the outdoor trashcan. I sprayed the house down with febreze but it's too strong Tl;dr I misread instructions and now my house smells like burnt anus

First time poster and on mobile so aplogies if not formatted ok. Preface this by saying that this did actually happen earlier today. I was at work in a supermarket and I was manning the self serve tills. I see a man struggling with scanning with a newspaper as all the inside leaflets etc were falling out everywhere. So I go over to help him and ask him 'do you want a hand'. I then look at him and see that he only has one arm. My face just drops into a look of horror as I realise what I just said and we just look at each other. Luckily he just laughed as I was trying not to die of embarrassment and accepted my help. Honestly I don't think I have ever wanted the floor to swallow me more than at this moment. As he was leaving he waved goodbye with the flap of his coat where his missing arm was and I just went bright red whilst my colleagues laughed at me. They continued to laugh and reminded me of this for the entire day and I am not sure I will ever live it down. TLDR: ...

Reposting with some updates: Buckle up, folks. This is going to be one hell of a ride. I work in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. 90% of the time, psych hospitals are nothing like the movies. Even the psychotic patients are generally pretty harmless and mostly just talk to themselves and pace around. This story is about one of the outliers. The worst patients are the ones who are pretty much just here because they are high off their ass and might be a danger to themselves as they come down. This guy was blitzed off his ass on K2 and very aggressive from the start. He came to us from a regular hospital after having surgery. He had a big incision in his stomach with staples. Because he was so aggressive and demonstrated self harm (picking at his incision, biting himself) he was put on a 1:1 protocol meaning someone has to be within arms length of him at all times. I did that from for two hours with no incident and then someone else took over. At about 12:30am, this guy, who had ...

Obligatory not today, but actually September 2016... it was my best friend’s birthday and I’d just gotten my first big boy job, so I decided to buy us a trip to Portland, OR for a weekend of drunk & stoned debauchery to celebrate the anniversary of his birthing. We had a six AM flight out of Los Angeles and the only ride we could get from a friend was at around 11 or 12 the night before. On the way there my best friend produced some fancy marijuana chocolate bars (of the premium and high potency variety) — the both of us ate a half of one or so. Maybe a little more. I don’t know how well informed you are about premium marijuana chocolate, dear reader, but you’re only supposed to have about one fucking Hershey square lest you wish to have your soul forcibly removed from your body by Satan, and then dangled in front of you like a carrot on a string that it feels like you’ll never catch again. Otherwise, maybe you just know how to handle your shit. Idk. So, we get into the terminal...

This happened some time when I was 12. So, when I was around 8, I was digging through my parents' drawers (I don't remember why) and I found some hair-gel in a weird-looking bottle. It was smaller and thinner than the other bottles, and my 8-year-old mind was like, "Hey, it would be a good idea to put this on!" . Surprise, surprise, my hair was kind of flimsy, but it smelled nice, like strawberries. So after then, everyday before going to school, I would secretely put on the hair-gel because I thought they put it in the drawer to hide it from me? (Again, I was 8). I liked mainly cus of the smell. Fast forward a week, I'm in the middle of putting on the gel when my mom enters the room. We both stared at each other awkwardly. Me, because I thought she caught me using her "hair-gel", and her cus... y'know. I don't remember what happened next. I didn't think much of it, until when I was 12 (don't really know exactly how old), I came to k...

Buckle up, folks. This is going to be one hell of a ride. I work in an inpatient psychiatric hospital. 90% of the time, psych hospitals are nothing like the movies. Even the psychotic patients are generally pretty harmless and mostly just talk to themselves and pace around. This story is about one of the outliers. The worst patients are the ones who are pretty much just here because they are high off their ass and might be a danger to themselves as they come down. This guy was blitzed off his ass on K2 and very aggressive from the start. He came to us from a regular hospital after having surgery. He had a big incision in his stomach with staples. Because he was so aggressive and demonstrated self harm (picking at his incision, biting himself) he was put on a 1:1 protocol meaning someone has to be within arms length of him at all times. I did that from for two hours with no incident and then someone else took over. At about 12:30am, this guy, who had been sleeping, started screami...

I’m white. Growing up my babysitter was an older black lady who had all these mammy dolls and Knick knacks in her home. She collected them, probably over a hundred mammy things in her home. They used to freak me out at night. Anyways I pretty much grew up with her grandson. Lost touch, after college re in touch and roommates with him for two years. Move apart but stay friends. His grand mother passes, he gets her house along with the dolls. Gets married. Wife wants him to sell those racist ass dolls. I bring up again how I used to be scared of them. Christmas 2019 or so he gives me presents. We don’t normally do presents... mammy cookie jar and 2 dolls. Haha funny joke. I keep them cause his mom was like family. Stick them in a walk in closet though out of sight. February 28th I go to out of town for weekend for my birthday and he has my key and his wife was cleaning my cat’s litter box and feeding it for me. I get a call asking if I have the dolls still and tell him yeah they in the...

I had been in the depths of addiction to weed and alcohol for a while, and decided to quit a few weeks ago. Things have been going well so far. One of the things I enjoyed while stoned was eating Indian food, made as spicy as possible. The combination of the weed and the consumption method (dry vaping) meant that I could eat dishes that would have left me in agony before. Then, a few days ago, I decided to give one of my favorite dishes a try again, one of the few that could cut through the weed and give me a rush. Placed the order with the usual challenge (make it so spicy you're worried about my safety) and chowed down. I figured that I would at least have built up some sort of tolerance. Folks, it turns out taste buds heal. Between the lack of weed and the time since I had last had the spicy food, I was pacing and shaking after just a few bites. My dumb ass persisted, with snot streaming down my face and tears pouring from my eyes (if you have a cold, this is a great way to ...

Happened last night. So I've always wanted to be on Jeopardy, and a few months ago I was contacted that I had been randomly chosen for the next round because I'd passed the online test. The next round is another test, and when the day came, I was 100% positive I didn't pass it so I was really disappointed for a while but got over it and went on with my life. For all of these tests I was using my old email because that's what I'd made my Jeopardy.com account with. I don't get notifications for that email so I manually check it once a week. Anyway, fast forward a few months later, to yesterday, it's time to check my old email. Lo and behold - sitting there in the mailbox is a message from Jeopardy saying I'd been invited to the next round of auditions! The email was sent on Jan 25th. I was super excited and in shock......and then I read the email and it turns out I had to send them a form by Jan 29th to be considered. It was January 30th. TL;DR I liter...

So this happened last night but I am currently on my walk of shame home. Feels like the perfect opportunity to type it out so I might at one point have a good laugh about this. So 2 weeks ago I matched a girl on Tinder and we hit it off quite instantly, I asked to meet up and she agreed happily. We went for a long walk in the park with her dogs to get a chance to have a proper talk before going back to her place to have a couple drinks. Things went swimmingly! I really like this girl! Managed a walk of 2 hours without any awkward silences or me saying stupid things so we went to her appartment to drinks some wine and warm up. Halfway through the second bottle of excellent red wine things get kinda hot and heavy and we take it to the bedroom. All was good and fun until at some point I start feeling... not so well. I remember in this moment that there's a reason I never drink red wine, my stomach does not agree AT ALL with red wine. I need to throw up, like NOW! I throw her off m...

This happened yesterday So I’ve been dating a photographer for a while now and he was telling me about a lingerie shoot he had to do the next morning. I suggested he could practice photographing me. We got some pretty good photo’s and we’re both happy! He puts the pictures in Adobe Lightroom on his laptop and starts editing. One picture wasn’t really nude and just really nice so I got my phone and snapped a picture of his laptop screen. Now if you’re familiar with Lightroom, you know that in the bottom all the other pictures are visible as well. I was too focused on the one picture he was editing that I didn’t notice all the nudes are visible in the bottom of his laptop screen. So I take the picture, put it in my Instagram story and put my phone down. About an hour later I see several reactions in my Instagram DM’s. I thought “hey, people really like my picture!”. They did... My brother saw it and only responded “what the fuck” My mother responded with a heart eye emoji Some o...

TL;DR : My cat decided to prevent her fall by sticking her claw inside of my nostril. She hung on to my nostril with no remorse. This morning I was woke up by my cat hanging on to dear life with her claw in my nostril. Why? I cannot say. My only guess is she somewhat didn’t land right on the edge of my bed and started to fall. Thankfully, in her case, my face was the perfect wall to catch on. Therefore, she decided to stick her claw into my nostril to hold on. Not a paw, but one damn claw to hold all her weight. Once the initial shock passes, I begin to try to unleash my nostril but for some reason my cat does not want to budge. She has her claw in the perfect place, yk that spot where theres a ledge of nose before the nostril, it’s honestly perfect for hanging on to. Anyway, It takes a while for me to unleash my nostril because I can’t get her to pick her paw up out of the nook to release my nostril. I can’t just pull because her claw catches. Her determination to hang is pretty str...

Back in 2017, my birthday fell on a Saturday (Jan. 28th). I was 22 and fresh out of college. My new career field meant that I was getting sleep deprived a bit having to transition out of the college sleep schedule and having to be up to work early. So the Sunday before my birthday, dad asks if I can come over to the parents’ house. Me thinking it was important, I wasted no time to make the small trip over. Dad then mentions how my birthday is coming up, and asks if I’d like to throw a party in his man cave/shop building. I said “sure”, and he started instantly planning. Well it just so happened that work was super busy, which meant I was working at home after hours, which meant I was losing sleep big time. By the time Saturday rolled around, I couldn’t help but just take a ZzzQuil and just... sleep. One problem though, I forgot to plug in my phone to the charger the night before, so it will eventually die on me. I remember waking up at 6 am-ish, and seeing that it’s still dark out...

I just want to start off by saying that I'm an incredibly awkward person. I'm also super passive and try to avoid confrontation at all costs. For example, I was in Walmart once and it was just me and another guy in the same aisle. As this dude passed me, he let out the longest and loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. For some reason I made eye contact with him and said "I'm sorry..." I think I just felt bad for him and was sorry for being there to hear it. Idk I'm just weird okay. I think this story is more funny if you understand the kind of person I am. Anyway, back to the fuck up. I had a delivery today where the remarks said it was the house at the very top of the hill. As I pulled onto the road, I noticed a sharp incline and saw a house that looked to be at the top of the hill. The front door was wide open and I thought someone was standing in the doorway waving me down. I thought for sure I was at the right place. I did think it was weird when ...

I love to cook. I dream of recipes and ways to improve classic dishes. In October, I got Covid and lost my taste for a few months. It was difficult, but I decided to eat healthy and lost about 30lbs. In December, my taste miraculously came back overnight. For a week straight, I cooked and created the most flavorful dishes I could think of. About a month ago, I decided to make chili with adobo chipotles, chocolate and stout beer. It was delicious. However, since then... EVERYTHING I EAT TASTES LIKE ADOBO. It has been a month and doesn’t seem to be going away. It’s like adobo is now coded into my DNA. Even my toothpaste tastes like smokey, sweet peppers. (Yes, I’ve tried new toothpaste) My only rationale is the recalibration of my taste buds errored with Covid and now I’m stuck with adobo in the fiber of my soul. TL;DR I made chili after Covid. I am now half man half adobo chipotle.

So, this happened yesterday, in my house, it’s me, my mom, our dog, a turtle, and 4 cats, we haven’t taken any of them to the vet in a year since the pandemic hit Yesterday, we finally took our cat, Simba to the vet, he’s our only longhair (and only rescue, we’ve had him since he was less than a month old), and he need a haircut, he’s still quite shy, and won’t let us brush him, so his fur has tons of snarls in it, he was also due on some shots Then, the big f-up, when we needed to get him into the cage for transport, every. cat. HATES. this. We lured him onto the table with treats and then forced him into the cage, he attacked my mom and she got a very bloody hand, and then he ran away before we found catch him. Then, he went under my bed. We destroyed my whole bed to get him out, and he didn’t attack me, but hissed, growled, and did a painful sounding meow a few times, but didn’t try to fight the cage. Turns out, my little furball is doing just fine, nothing wrong! TL;DR my cat...

This actually happened today. Here’s the story. So I get my new dress in the mail! Yay! Super excited to try it on. My husband helps me zip it up, tells me I look cute, and heads off to class (we live at an university). I twirl around a little then I decide it’s time to take it off and get in the shower to start my day. Cue the fuck up. I can’t reach the zipper. ok don’t panic I think. I spend 20 minutes trying to get this thing off. It’s not happening. There’s simply no way because I’m about as flexible as a stick. I only know one other person on campus. We will call him Steve. Our mutual friend Steve lives really close to us and is very single. Now, in case you aren’t aware, asking your single guy friend to help you out of some clothes because your husband isn’t home doesn’t look good. At all. But, alas! I’m stuck. So I call him. I tell him the whole thing and he’s just as uncomfortable as I am. But like the amazing friend he is, he walks over, stands outside my front door a...

This happened a couple months ago but I was just reminded about it since I opened a new tube of toothpaste after browsing Reddit. I woke up early one say to help a coworker move. I had overslept a little and my brain was still a little foggy, which I at least partially blame this incident for. Shortly after getting up and realizing the time I went to go brush my teeth. It was then that I noticed that my tube of toothpaste was basically empty. I cursed myself for getting distracted and forgetting to go to the grocery store while I searched the drawer in my bathroom. Eureka! A brand new tube of toothpaste! I must have bought it on my last trip and forgotten to delete it off my list. I open the box, take out the tube and put a squirt on my awaiting toothbrush. I stared at the odd, brown color for a moment, then shrugged it off before getting to business, assuming I had bought some organic brand this time. ‘Ugh!’ I thought ‘Why does all of this organic toothpaste taste like shit?’. I co...

A year ago on my way to work, I was stopped by the police for 'driving weird' (it was a weird road). I can get socially anxious at times, so despite really doing nothing wrong and having nothing to worry about, I began to get really nervous as the cop walked towards my window. As I lowered my window I thought to myself: "Just act natural". The cop leaned over and asked for my driver's license. I quickly pulled out a card from my wallet and tried to give it to him. He then just froze and stared at me for what felt like an eternity, not saying anything. I was extremely confused and began sort of moving my hand in a 'thrusting motion', all while my heart was beating like crazy. I then looked down and realized I had just pulled out my credit card and was furiously trying to give it to the officer. I think I said the equivalent of "oh shit my bad' and quickly took out my driver's license. Understandably, he took his time running my card and plat...

My (22f) best friend's (f21) birthday is today 30th jan, birthdays are sacred to her and she threw me a great party on my birthday, I know I'm in the wrong here because I was at her place yesterday and I got an emergency call and had to go home, in the midst of all the things that happened back home it slipped my mind that it was her birthday, and I fell asleep without giving her a call or texting her. Today, the moment I woke up I texted her "HAPPY BIRTHDAY 😘😘" and she replied with a "thank u" I knew I fup the moment I got that text because its so not like her. So at like noon I called her and she said she was at a friend's house so I said okay and hung up. Next thing I know that friend she was at called me and said that she is pissed because we forgot about her and don't care about her at all, so we went to her place and she is livid, she doesn't want to talk to us and is saying that she thinks that she probably doesn't want us to be in ...

So I went out on a date the other day and had dinner. The date itself didn't go so well but whatever got some good food out of it. I was stuffed by the end of it. So we said our goodbyes and walking back to the parking lot, I felt my jeans a little tight on the waist. It must have been like 10pm and I was in a mall parking lot. So I get to the car and I attempt to unhook my belt to give myself some room to breathe when the belt thing gets stuck and I'm desperately pulling on the belt trying to get it to un hook and for a split second I realize how this must look to anyone around me and as I continue to jerk the belt hoping it would come loose I suck in my belly, give it one final tug and it finally unhooks. To which I respond to myself with.. "fuck yea!" and that's when I hear a woman screaming running away from me. My heart sank to the deepest pit of hell. I panicked my ass off and without properly belting up, I jump in my car and gtfo of that parking lot so fa...

On a whim I decided to lace up, brave the cold, and go for a run today. It’s the last day of my period and I didn’t think much about the fact that I hadn’t changed my tampon since last night. So I’m about 0.5 miles in when I feel it start to slip. I figure eh, ok, it might just be a little loose, it feels weird but whatever. Closer to 0.8 miles and I realize this thing is going to come out completely, as I feel it popping out. 1.2 miles in and sure enough, it is out of my hoo-ha and in my underwear. Uncomfortable and weird but I’m thinking it will just stay in my underwear, which is gross but at least tolerable. 1.5 miles in and it’s sliding down my left leg. “Oh God”, I’m thinking to myself, “this thing is going to plop out on the road like roadkill no one wants to see.” It gets wedged around my calf at 1.7 miles. I pass a construction worker, praying this tampon will stay in my pants leg. It does, miraculously, and I carry this old tampon on my leg for the remaining 0.3 miles. I was...

So this just happened. I'm sitting on my couch browsing reddit reading someone else's tifu post when my wife, who should be sleeping, comes out of the bedroom holding her checkbook. She goes to the kitchen counter and starts writing a check, but doesn't respond when I ask what she's doing. (It's obvious that she's writing a check for something, but why did she get up?) Since she doesn't respond to my question, and my curiosity gets the better of me, I get off the couch to go look. This is the first part of the fu. My couch produces A LOT of static electricity when you get up. In my genius, I avoid touching anything that would shock me on my way over to her. In my stupidity, I forgot everything once I got over to her. We've reached stage two. By using my powerful observation skills I learn what the check is for. Now that my curiosity has been satisfied, I may as well try to distract her by pulling out my dick. WRONG MOVE SHERLOCK! My wife reaches out ...

TIFU So, similarly to my last post here, I will preface this with my fear of doctors. I hate going to the doctor's office, and it usually makes me very nervous. When I get nervous, I tend to just word vomit and spew stupid crap. Here we go: So I recently had an unfortunate concussion. I was working as a nanny and fell off a play structure. I had previously had brain bleeding with my last concussion, so they wanted to do an MRI on me just to make sure nothing was seriously wrong. They gave me some pain meds (Ativan, I want to say) and then I was sent to the MRI. I was pretty loopy from the meds by this time, so I was making jokes with the nurse. I was so doped up that I literally had to be wheeled into the room so I wouldn't get too dizzy. She asked me a few questions before I sat down for screening: "Is there any possibility that you could be pregnant?" "I don't think so" I replied "Well we need you to be sure, because if you are pregnant it co...

So when i was in 4th grade one day me and my friend were joking around in class and thought it would be a fun idea to make a makeshift tattoo on our arms. So he tore a piece of paper from his books and it was like one of those books that had like hard paper. He folded the paper again and again into a pyramid like shape with the end very sharp. I thought it wouldn't work because after all it's just paper. So my name starts with a 'V' and 'I' and i thought I'll get that on my right arm vertically in big block letters because i thought that was cool. He started drawing the V on my right arm with the paper 'tattoo gun'. Now my skin is very soft and breaks easily so the first attempt he made it broke skin and it showed the outline of what he drew on my skin. I thought it would just be a skin bruise that'll heal quickly so i said go on even though it hurt like hell. After the V he went for the I and it hurt a lot but it worked. Then the teacher a...

Times are tough and for the past two months I've been going into a clinic twice a week to donate plasma for extra cash. I walk in there today and overhear the staff talking about how someone needs to shoot their shot and then saying something about how they're pretty sure the guy's married. I don't know exactly, I automatically assumed they were talking about someone else in the back, because no one hits on me and hasn't in years. The last person to was this 6'5 giant Samoan transgender lady, who looked like The Rock, except with long hair and lipstick, who said I smelled 'really' nice. After I finish completing the questionnaire, I go to the screening area, you know where they take your temperature, pulse and all that, and I keep hearing, "Shoot your shot, girl! Shoot!". This girl ends up calling me up to her booth and there's a lady walking behind her saying, "Do it, do it". Surely they're not talking about me because I...

So I tested positive for covid the other day and was all quarantined up. I don't really have any food in my house and I can't really go through a drive thru without risk spreading covid. I decided to order door dash. I woke up today extremely hungry due to not having an appetite the night before. So I ordered food from door dash. I opted for contactless delivery and in the special instructions at checkout I wrote to knock on the door and then set the food on the ground. I'm still laying in bed with just my underwear on when I hear the knock. I look out the window and I see the shadow of what looks like them walking back to their car. Now I don't bother to put any clothes on because I assumed they followed the delivery instructions. I then open the door expecting to just pick my food up and close the door. Unbeknownst to me the driver was holding my food ready to hand it to me. I was so embarrassed that I grabbed my food and slammed the door in her face without sayin...

I was making screwdrivers so I got the orange juice (a full gallon) and the vodka out of the fridge. I instinctively shook the orange juice bottle and took the cap off. As soon as the cap screwed off, my cat knocked something over in the other room and I placed the cap back on the juice and ran out of the room. A few minutes later I return to the kitchen to continue making screwdrivers. At this point I had completely forgotten that I had already shaken it and unscrewed the cap so I grabbed it and shook it again. The cap fell off as I grabbed it but before I realized what was happening I swung the bottle up towards my face to shake it, and proceeded to absolutely drench my face in orange juice. the bottle opening is pretty wide so at least like 1/3 of the juice had sprayed me in the face. So there I stood. 2 AM, already drunk, absolutely soaking wet and unable to open my eyes. My mind had not registered fully what happened so I was probably more confused in that moment than I had eve...

So for context I played junior ice hockey for 10 years in total. Last few years at a fairly high-level being a offensive d-man with soft hands scoring at about a point per game pace at my best. After I quit hockey 6 years ago I really got into bodybuilding and strenght training. I'm about 17-18kg (40 pounds) heavier than I first started with a similar bodyfat%. It got to the point that I hadn't been on the ice once for 4 years until this winter. I was on the ice the first time a week ago and oh boy the nostalgia hit me hard. I even got a bit sad that I quit playing when I did. Now we come to the fuck up. I was on ice for the second time couple days ago. I was pleased to find out I still had the soft hands and could throw backhand saucer passes like I quit playing yesterday. After an hour of stickhandling and trying different skating stuff and idea popped up in my head: I wonder how explosive and fast I can skate now that my legs have doubled in size. Turns out very fast. I d...

So obligatory this happened earlier this week. I work from home, my wife has the two kids during the day after they are done with online classes. She works hard, she on top of shit, but has been stressed, for obvious reasons. She usually leaves the house after they are done with school to run errands. Well this week she left for a couple hours, didn't tell me the plan because she was in a rush and I was in a meeting. She was gone for much longer than usual, and when I called her, her phone was off. I shrugged it off, she routinely forgets to charge it. Fast forward to that night, everything is cool, she's watching Bravo, I go down stairs to play videogames. Well right next to me is her jacket... It smells like another man's cologne. Im like no way , how could she, when could she? My mind starts running, did she really drop the kids off at the grandparents and meet up with someone?! Wtf! I thought we were good, like really good!?I'm curious and mad, but don't say...

I'm originally from a small country on the Balkans, but I have lived in the US for 7 years. Since the lock down happened I got laid off and decided to visit my parents, who btw don't speak English at all. One night, one of my very close American friends called me (video chat) to catch up. I answered the phone as I was leaving the room, where my parents were watching TV, and said "Sup hoeee". Very usual for our friendship. She was even more excited to see me on camera so she basically screamed "Suuppp hoooe" back. I almost blushed, but hey - nobody will know the meaning. After our call I returned to the living room and my dad goes "Sup hoe?" I gave him a confused look and he asked me what does that mean because he'd like to learn some English. So I said it's something like hey buddy, because nobody dares to say a bad word in front of my mom. As you can imagine - now he says "sup hoe" every single time he sees me or talks to me and...

The title explains it, but I was cutting jalapeños I wanted to make jalapeño cornbread for dinner to go with the chili, and was trying to get a head start on the prep. Halfway through, I had to pee really bad. I touched down there during the process. I know I should have washed my hands, but I didn’t even think. It’s awful, I’ve never felt anything like it. I’m a female too, for the sake of context. It didn’t hit me right away, I stood up, pulled my pants up and washed my hands, and went back to cutting. All of a sudden I feel a tingling, which turned into a burning really fast. Then came the OH SHIT WHAT DID I DOOOO?! I ran to the bathroom, and start scrubbing. That made it worse. According to Google, all I did was spread around the particles, so now instead of just one area burning, EVERYTHING burns like heck. I’m currently sitting with a cold, wet washcloth between my legs, switching between that and a bag of frozen peas. contemplating my life choices. Everything I googled said t...

I work at a hospital. Today (yesterday, had to repost because I didn't have a TL;DR) I was running a 2 hour meeting for a doctor with her, myself, and an assistant in a large conference room. All masked up of course. Everything was going well but about 20 minutes in I felt the need to cough. Just one hard one should eliminate this tickle, I thought, so I leaned into my elbow and bust one out. The itching stopped, but the cough propelled a tonsil stone out of my throat and into my mask. If you've never had a tonsil stone let me tell you - they smell like rotting shit. For the next hour and a half-ish I got to sit in that meeting with a tonsil stone in my mask. Not only did it smell horrendous, it landed in a place where this hard, nasty, moist rock of bacteria was grazing my lip anytime I spoke while I pretended nothing was wrong. It was really gross. TL;DR Coughed a tonsil stone into my mask and had to smell and feel it in there for over an hour.

This all just happened. So I (23F) recently moved in with my boyfriend (26M). Between work, school, and getting adjusted I’ve been super tired. My boyfriend and I work completely opposite work schedules. He works early mornings, I work evenings. So needless to say our sex life has been non existent. He mentioned it today and I thought it would be nice to end out celibacy. So as we were getting ready for bed I rolled over and kissed him. Skip forward and we were doing the do. Now let me preface this by I feel nauseous 24/7 due to underlying conditions. I rarely ever actually throw up. So I’m feeling nauseous but I’m like it’s normal. Well we’re in doggy style and I just start projectile vomiting all over the bed. It took my boyfriend a moment to realize that I was throwing up and he jumped up and grabbed the towel. He just stood there and stared at me. He disappeared into the bathroom for 15 minutes while I cleaned up, completely mortified. We’re now in bed not saying a word, he tr...

Background: I (36m) am a HS teacher and we are in school on a hybrid model. Half the kids are in the building on a given day. Earlier this year the tech team installed a microphone/speaker system in every classroom to help masked teachers communicate more effectively. They warned us multiple times about muting ourselves when we leave the room or have a private conversation. But it only takes one mistake to have a royal fuck up. So, during a morning class today I pop over to the bathroom (which is literally next to my classroom) to relieve myself. I peed and washed my hands. Pretty straightforward. But when I set foot back in that classroom I realized what I had just done. The ten 15 year olds in the room where looking at me in wild disbelief. I looked down at the mic hanging around my neck and said “oh, I forgot to mute, didn’t I?”. The remainder of class was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life. The kids mostly laughed it off but there was still the weirdness hanging in the roo...

So two days ago i received an email, allegedly from my bank, saying that they needed to verify my identity since i have never send any personal documents. The email adress looked rather fishy, as in phishing ya get mee Heyoo, so i just replied to with a casual "seems legit", eventhough a lot of effort was put in to make it actually seem legit. A day later i recieve a reply saying the bank employee understood my concern, but really asked if i could verify my identity. The mail even told me i could use a mobile phone app from the bank to go about this task. Ofcourse like any sensible person would, i offered my sincerest regrets and sent an image to verify my identity... Exept this image was a very very nasty image of a disgusting close up asshole taking a huge shit. Take that you scammer! A whole day went by and i hadn't heard from the scammer since, so i was very content with myself. Untill... I received a LETTER AT MY HOME ADRES from the bank, saying that they had aske...

This happened last night. My sister in law (wife's sister) is quite hot. I was really horny and hadn't had sex in a few days. My wife went away last night to see some friends along with her sister and as soon as she left I opened up my computer, went to SIL's Instagram and started jerking to all of her bikini photos. Normally I lock my front door, but didn't last night as I was too horny. I had headphones on as well. After about 15 mins, the door opened and my wife, her friends and her sister saw my computer screen with a full screen of my SIL in a tiny bikini and me with my dick in one hand furiously wanking. Apparently the restaurant they wanted to go to closed due to Covid and they wanted to drink at home. My wife was extremely angry and went to sleep at her sister's house. I have no idea what is happening as she isn't picking up her phone or replying to my texts. Whenever I call, I actually hope she doesn't pick up as I don't even know what to sa...

Late last night I was playing games on my computer when I moved a small space heater closer to warm up my feet. A few minutes later there was a loud explosion to my left that felt like a bomb had gone off in my room. Unfortunately, a cardboard box containing a fully painted, 1750 point Necron army was right next to the blast. The box flew a good three feet and the contents were sent literally all across the room. After about ten minutes vainly searching for pieces I finally realized, or maybe finally accepted that the vast majority of the models were beyond repair. That's around when I figured out what had gone off like a small bomb in my room. I had left a can of compressed air to the side of my desk and forgotten about it. The heater must have been enough to set it off. I'm still kind of processing the whole thing as it was hundreds of dollars and dozens of hours of work just completely obliterated. On the plus side I wasn't injured, though the whole thing left a lite...

To set the scene, I need to go back a few years. I was browsing YouTube and I was in one of those situations where I went down a rabbit hole and discovered a playlist called “Wet Sagging”. The videos basically consisted of guys fully clothed with sagged pants on and typically a pair of basketball shoes. They’re either in a shower or near a body of water (There’s one where a guy filled a kitty pool up in his room) and they slowly submerge themselves in the water with a tease like manner. In a nutshell, that’s it. A ton of these videos have been made if you don’t believe me there are multiple playlists with 100s of compiled videos. Another thing to note is I’m a hobbyist Youtuber. I don’t plan on making a great life out of YouTube, I just do it because it’s fun and I enjoy making the occasional comedy video. After finding Wet Sagging I instantly knew I had to make a video about it, so I decided to make a mockumentary. After doing a lot of weird things the video was up and life went on....

A pretty minor mess up but a bummer in any case. A few hours ago I received a new SDD for my main desktop so that I could squeeze out some better load times on some of my more used programs, Steam included. Not really thinking about it, I decide to go ahead and hit the uninstall for Steam thinking it would just remove the program itself and headed to the kitchen to make some breakfast. Coming back I notice it's completed, along with a string of text showing on the uninstaller showing it also went thru the steamapps folder, scrubbing all 1.3 TB of installed games and several years of built up custom files for Doom 2 and Team Fortress that disn't get saved on steam cloud. tl;dr: Uninstalled Steam to reinstall on a different drive, ended up accidentally deleting all of my games.

This happened on my 18th birthday, I'm 30 now so time has passed and the wounds have festered for over a decade somewhat healed. My best friend and I were, and still are, avid poker players. We decided we would take our developing online skills (see: math nerds) to the casino when I turned 18 because I am the younger of the two of us by a couple months. We do the obligatory show of my ID to the bouncer, who in return does his obligatory Wonka-esq extend-one-arm welcome to a world of oxygen induced wallet abusal and wishes me a happy birthday. We have no intention of fucking around. We're already fairly successful online players (although this is pre- Poker Black Friday). We don't ever play when we're mentally unsound, that means tired, angry, hungry, sad, and especially drunk. We are about to enter a place where we can seek out folks that are not only not-grinders, but folks who are drunk , and we are prepared. We spend the night at adjacent tables, targeting the p...

TIFU Destroyed my 400$ laptop because I raged at among us after getting it only a month ago So I messed up pretty bad. So I got mad at among us and I was the impostor. I got found in a vent although I was saved by my 2nd imposter. Then I made a really stupid mistake. I killed someone right in front of another guy. So of course he reported it and I was found guilty. I threw my headphones on the screen, and the computer just died. Like it was unresponsive, I couldn’t hear anything. And nothing I did worked. And the screen just looked glitchy. Also some more bad luck accrued. It’s not covered under warranty so we can’t get it fixed for free. That means we need someone to fix it themselves. That takes about 150-300$ THIS DAY IS GOING AMAZING RIGHT? Hopefully the internals aren’t damaged because if they are, that’s even worse for me. As we don’t have that kinda money to get all of the stuff we need to fix THAT let alone even fix the darn problem in the first place. So yea. If anyone...

So today I fucked up guys. Like badly. I got a little frisky earlier and decided I’d have some me time. I got the bright idea to use an exercise ball to sit on and stick my favorite dildo on the wall and go to town. In hindsight I picked a horrible spot. It was a hallwayish area with about 5ft of space between the walls. The wall I picked to attach my toy to had nothing in the way but the opposite wall had a drink rack. So I start going to town when after a few minutes I decided to change positions. I ended up losing my balance and falling backwards off the exercise ball. I tried to stop myself but due to my position (think the bridge yoga pose) it was awkward and I wasn’t able to support my weight. I rolled backwards off the ball and into the rack which resulted in that falling on me too. I immediately noticed an excruciating pain in my triceps, hamstrings, and something in my right armpit area. It hurt so bad I couldn’t move for a solid five minutes. Once I was able to move I drag...

A few months ago, my girlfriend realized she might be bisexual because she found her female coworker attractive. She went through an identity crisis, as she's religious and thought this was a 'sin'. She stopped eating, struggled sleeping, and was overall depressed for an entire month. Well, she eventually embraced the fact that she might be bi and stopped being depressed. Since it was only 1 girl she found attractive, she didn't know if it was isolated to that girl or if she was actually bi. So, wanting to help her in her journey of self discovery, I suggested that she download a dating app like Bumble/Tinder. I advised her to set the filter to only see girls, then start swiping and see if she found any girls attractive. I told her I'm fine with her flirting with girls on the app just to see how she feels about it. ​ Well, my advice might have worked well. TOO well. She started swiping, found other girls she found attractive too, and started talking to them. Then...

So this is going to need some context so I look like less of an idiot (though I thoroughly assure you I'm an idiot). Ten minutes ago I found out. Ten goddamn minutes ago, I found out that a worldview I've held my entire life is, in fact, not true, and apparently I'm just a weirdo. You see, whenever I exercise, something goes haywire in my brain that spikes my libido to something ridiculous. Think Jekyll and Hyde. That's weird for me to type, because my entire life I thought that was everyone. I legitimately thought that was just a common thing: people exercise, and as a result get turned on. And you know what, in my defense how could I not. What are workout ads if not "grr sweat lookat this sweaty sexy body grr," and like 30% of all porn involving women in their 30's (which is like 90% of my porn) can be summed up with "hey you know what goes great with pilates? penis." I thought you people were like me, who legitimately got turned on throug...

So this happened about 20 minutes ago. I was laying in bed reading a book with my partner sleeping next to me. 1am rolls by and I decide it’s time to attempt to sleep. I looked at the bedroom door for some reason, and saw what I thought to be a torch light shining through the bottom and then going away, scanning across our landing. I thought we were being burgled so got out of bed, adrenaline going through the roof, ready to fight. Opened the door and realised it was my partners toothbrush charging. Mistake number 1. I then needed to vape to calm down and was chugging it so hard I needed to refill it but didn’t want to turn the light on to save my night vision for the walk back to bed. So, I tried to refill in the dark. Mistake number 2. I spilled what felt like gallons of juice all over my hands and legs. Causing me to need to turn the light on to see what the fuck I was doing. Once I had calmed down, I turned the light off (mistake number 3) and went to wash myself. Eyes hadn’t a...

Yesterday was my birthday and this fable starts the night before yesterday. Me (M23) and my bf (M22) are dating for a few months now. We however could not see each other for the past week because I had exams and he had "some things to do" (really I just think he was preparing for my birthday) so we couldn't have sex the whole week. Back to the night before my birthday, I was home alone and I had just finished a dreadful exam and I was sulking in my bed when this mf decides to pop up in the sexiest clothes (tight white shirt and suit pants with a bow) and some flowers for me for some "early birthday celebration" I was very much in the mood and since there was noone at home, we could be as loud as we wanted. So I was seated on a chair in the living room and the music was on and I was getting a lap dance and he was stripping and one thing leads to another and all of a sudden, next thing I know, I'm completely naked and bf just had the bow on somehow and was...

So, like many FU's this didn't happen today but around 15 years ago. Just to set a bit of a background my parents were newly separated at the time and my dad kept the house and us kids while my mum bought a flat on the same street. While out playing one day I thought I'd call in to my mums and see how shes doing, I open the door and head upstairs only to find that shes not there. I thought it was strange for the door to be unlocked and she's nowhere to be seen. While standing there alone in the empty flat I have an epiphany "how hilarious would it be if I make the place look like it's been robbed!". I then started rushing round hiding everything, racks and racks of DVDs under the bed, pulling all the alcohol out of the fridge, anything and everything I saw I hid out of site and swiftly left the scene before she got home. Not long after, I get a phone call from my mum bawling her eyes out, in absolutely tears she were! Barely making any sense I just ab...

We are still cleaning up the mess as I’m typing this, and wiping tears from our faces because this was just too funny not to share! So, me and my husband drink shakes almost every night before going to bed and it’s something that we started doing more on regular since the pandemic started. After the Holidays, we decided to eat cleaner, so we’ve been on a mostly whole food plant-based diet and we had to get creative with our sweet treats at night. We usually drink chocolate shakes or thin mint, but my husband’s favorite is strawberry. He usually uses strawberry jam and strawberry Nesquik powder, but since we started doing cleaner ingredients this couldn’t work, so I came up with my own recipe: fresh strawberries, frozen banana, coconut cream, dates for sweetness and vanilla extract. We were watching Vikings on Hulu, smoking some weed, and just relaxing on the couch with our dog (a Siberian husky) when my husband asked me if I was going to make shakes. I said that I was and I told hi...

(This happened awhile ago but the story is too good) I was 18 and home alone, my mom said “We are going to Ohio, we’ll be home in a few days” which was alright enough. Fast forward to that night it’s 1am and I hear the front door open, feet stomping around and clanging. I hid in the closet with my phone and dialed 911. I talked with the dispatcher and told her that my house was being broken into, and within a minute I could see police car lights flashing through the window into my room. The officer asked me if I saw the intruder and told her no, my family was out of town and went to Ohio, and I was home alone. I heard a knock at the door and heard the door open, I thought that the intruder left it unlocked and maybe an officer was inside. Then the dispatcher asks, “do you know a Sean?” and I told her that Sean is my dad. The dispatch officer then told me “Sean just answered the front door and let the officer in. Are you able to go downstairs?” I went downstairs and immediately apolo...

I (38M) am in the process of a high- conflict divorce. 5 years in the making after 8 years married. 5 months ago I met a wonderful woman, she has been very understanding with the situation with my soon to be ex and kids. We’ve put off sleeping over since I was still living with my wife in our house. A couple of weeks ago, the court ordered my wife to move out and we now exchange the kids every week. This was her week with the kids and my girlfriend and I decided to finally have a sleepover. Throughout the whole divorce process I have been having trouble sleeping, and have been taking sleeping pills on and off for the past 6 months. This week was particularly hard with the kids out of the house and by Thursday I had had a total 10 hours of sleep. So I go to the pharmacy to get sleeping pills. My girlfriend has already warned me she is a light sleeper and has a strict schedule of going to sleep at 10pm. So I want our first night to go well with no disturbance from me. Secondly, my expe...

Just happened. Husband and I wanted something sweet after dinner but didn’t want to go pick anything up. Decide to order DoorDash and treat ourselves to something sweet. We are also parents of a toddler who sometimes gets the zoomies before bedtime. Tonight he decides to race from one room to the next at full toddler speed. An important thing to know about our son is he has a bit of reflux and asthma and these things together can sometimes cause him to throw up when he gets too worked up, or after lots of activity. After all the running, he starts to make his gag face and proceeds to expel his dinner everywhere. I help him to the toilet so he can finish. The aftermath consists of puke on Dad, puke on kid, and puke on bathroom. I decide in this moment I should probably take off my shirt. Not for funsies, but to keep it clean. As I work on the mess, I start to dry heave so I rush to finish. I am now topless, gagging and carrying a pile of vomit rags to the trash can when I stop dea...

The company is at a high risk for cyber attacks. They are very serious about this and we undergo training regularly to spot fake emails and are encouraged to report anything suspicious. So I’m hyper alert and also in the position of trying to be noticed by upper management so that I might be offered a permanent position in a few months. Not only did I report the email as phishing, I emailed everyone else on the thread and told them not to click the link. The list included my direct supervisor. When someone replied saying they thought it was legitimate, I said it was obviously not due to the many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, and also the weird nature of the email itself (it was a very random/unfamiliar topic). He emailed the group this morning confirming it was legitimate. tldr; told a bunch of people at my new job that the executive director’s email had to be phishing because of the many spelling and grammatical errors. It was not.

So this happened yesterday and we are still having a hard time processing this lol With it being the middle of winter and somehow still the middle of a pandemic, my boyfriend (B) and I have been really into movies lately. Every Wednesday, we sit down with a homemade meal (usually pizza) and some legal recreational weeds to unwind from the workday. This week was supposed to be exceptionally cold and snowy, so we opted for some beef stew as our meal of choice instead of our usual pizza. All was well during the movie, it was about 10pm and we were trying to figure out whether we wanted watch something else, play some video games, or go to bed. I was sitting on the "L" part of our couch facing my boyfriend when he made a stupid joke about the movie. In response, I tickled his foot. B, completely unprepared for my tickle attack, did what anyone would do and have a knee-jerk reaction. That reaction being, his leg jolted and he kicked me square in the throat. Not hard, but enou...