greenmangostudio

TIFU Sooooo I bought a log cabin on 10 acres in Texas. I had been looking and looking and constantly scrolling Zillow. I was getting ready to give up. It sold for half the price of a townhouse in the nearby city where I work. I can't believe it happened. It's literally my dream house and I never thought it would be possible. I am officially the out of town person who buys the obviously haunted house and can't believe what a deal it was. The last owner committed suicide. The realtor says not at the house, but still, not ideal. This is manageable. I can fill the house with life and love and happiness. The real big kicker is that after I had an accepted offer, I did the ol' sex offender search. The neighbor directly across the street broke into a house, tied up the boyfriend, robbed the place, and sexually assaulted a 17 year old woman. He did his time and is out of jail. This happened in 2007. Maybe he's rehabilitated? He's rehabilitated, right? This thing is ...

A long time ago (2013), in a reddit account that is far far away (deleted) I had a brief moment of reddit fame. An IAMA post that skyrocketed to the top, with tens of thousands of karma and posts and questions. I was briefly internet famous. As I scoured through my thousands of comments, and odd one appeared. A person had given me a gift of something I had heard of, but never even crossed my mind to care about. But I thought, what the hell. I'll accept it. It was nice of him to spend a few bucks on me. I clicked the link and created the account to recieve the gift. The gift was just 1% of the full item. Only worth a few bucks. As I looked at my account, I very clearly remeber my OCD telling me to buy the other 99% just so it would be a whole number. It would have been like, 90ish bucks. I had 90 bucks. But....nah....that's game money. Logged out of that account right after i created it and didn't think about it again for another 11 years. Figured the account was long g...

Helleu. This is a personal story from a absurd and hard break up. A little background: My ex-wife (F31) and I (M33) recently split up. Things ended terribly... During our marriage, we had this silly little tradition. Every Valentine’s Day, I’d make her a new Clone-A-Willy as a funny (and kind of romantic?) gift. For those unaware, it’s a DIY kit to make, uh, replicas of my dick. It started as a joke, but somehow it became a yearly thing. Most for fun. But also a hint of us having more sexual relationship. Anyway, to the divorce. I’m moving my stuff out, and suddenly it hits me: she has an entire collection of me . I’m talking about years’ worth of Clone-A-Willys in her possession. And now I’m single, and for reasons I can’t quite explain, I start thinking, “Shouldn’t I have those back?” Here’s where the FU really starts. I send her a quick message asking if we could meet up to “exchange a few last things.” She agrees, probably thinking I left a pair of socks behind or something. W...

Scene: We got our kid one of those full mouth toothbrushes and those require a foaming toothpaste. So it sits out on the bathroom counter. We also use a cleaning foam instead of flushable wipes because they’re not really that flushable. This also sits out on the counter They look like this: https://imgur.com/gallery/ki1xjwl I’m sure you can sense where this is going. Over the weekend I’d eaten some spicy Thai food, which you know, has its own downsides. Monday, I’m going about my business and finish with a cleaning foam wipe. All of a sudden things are on fire back there. I assume it’s because of the Thai food so I’m uncomfortable but what could I do about it. I stand up and walk away. Now the burning has increased and it’s starting to sting. I’m in a lot of pain. The Thai food was spicy but it wasn’t so spicy that it should be causing this kind of a reaction. Unfortunately for me, I have to get on a video call with my boss. I’ve got no chance to do anything else but writhe in pain ...

As the title suggests, took the wife on a romantic weekend getaway in the mountains. We wanted to start the weekend with sex, so we got right into it shortly after checking into the resort. The luggage we used had previously been used on a family trip with the kids, and we had some poured some liquid children’s Advil into a small Tupperware shot glass container with a lid. We used the same type of container on this trip and filled it with coconut oil, which is our go to. They apparently have similar viscosities. In the heat of the moment I grabbed the wrong one and used it without hesitation. Everything seemed fine until I switched up the pace by going down on her. I noticed that she tasted….. fruity. Like a strange chemical cherry flavour. I took me a couple minutes to realize what was going on and it was at the moment I knew I’d fucked up. I stopped, the wife asked what was up and I had to tell her that I’d just fucked her with Advil. Oddly, it was very difficult to find information...

My(m25) gf (w23) was on vacation for 2 weeks few months ago, we lived together in my apartment for almost 6 months atm, only 1 month before we lived separate, she was there whole time and sometimes she playing sims and Hogwarts on my PC where I had my telegram but I keep it closed while away, but she opened it up at her last day while I was at work and read through my chats and found out that I had some messages on month we started dating from my female friend from another country about how we met on rave and just what we felt about it for a few months when I was there (more than year before current relationship), we chit chat a little bit about it and then we didn't talk for another few months and so we keep it like that, but my gf found that out and we argued about it for like week, she almost moved out in first days, like I said there was nothing like I'm cheating but she thought this was flirt and she didn't like it but we, how I thought, figured all out and it was oke...

I know by the title I(16 M) sound like massive degenerate loser. That's untrue im only a loser. Anyway, yea i think I might be in love with someone I met online. There is also a really big big big big big big problem. I don't know what they look like, sound like, gender. Literally nothing. Now I bet you are asking. "Hey dumb dumb head how did you even get a crush on this person". I don't even know man. We kind of talk every day. We text a lot. Play video games together, but for the whole time I have known them for like 2 years. Everyday just seems better when I am texting with them. Now is this probably coming from a place of loneliness. 100%. Do I care. NO. I love being around this person. They are great funny and awesome. Now time for the part where I probably fucked up. We were talking the other day. They sent me a screenshot of a conversation they were having with their other friend. They seemed more energetic then when talking to me. They usually only talk i...

A few days ago, I arranged to meet a girl I’d been chatting with on a dating app. We exchanged photos, and although we hadn’t met in person, we were both excited. The problem was that when I arrived at the restaurant, I saw someone I thought was her. I walked up, told her she looked amazing, and even tried to hug her. Turns out, she wasn’t my date but someone else waiting for someone. She looked at me like I was crazy, and right at that moment, my actual date arrived and saw me in this very awkward situation. I tried to explain that I had mistaken this other girl for her, but she was visibly upset and a bit distrustful. The whole evening was awkward, and even though I tried to fix it, I think everything was a disaster. TL;DR: TIFU by not recognizing my date and mistaking her for someone else

Might a small fuck up, but it felt huge at the time and I feel I need to tell the story to get it off my chest. Sorry in advance if my English is a bit subpar and hard to interpret. I'm attending trade school and have two classmates who I spend the days with the most. Today, each of us needed things from the store and as I was the one of two of us who had a relatively decent car, it was decided that I was the one to drive us there. Getting to the store went smoothly and so did the ride back, everything good so far, despite me being an inexperienced driver and getting a bit nervous and overly analytical of my driving. Then came the part of arriving at the school parking lot. As I had to reverse back in to the slot I left from, I began positioning the car in what I thought was a good approach. They did not agree. I hadn't even begun to slow down, let alone put the gear in reverse, before they began commenting on and critiquing my positioning. This led to me suddenly being fu...

So this actually happened in May. I had recently left a long term relationship and decided it was time to get back out there. I (31F) downloaded Hinge and matched with a guy (33M) that was very good looking and we hit it off. After a few weeks, I agreed to go on a date with him. We agreed to meet up for a casual coffee date and a walk in the park. So it is time for the date and I show up on time but he is 15 minutes late, I let it go. Of course it’s awkward meeting someone and I had been out of the game for seven years so I wasn’t really sure what I was expecting. Anyways, he gets out of the car, comes up to me and opens his arm for a hug, and I reciprocate. He then immediately goes in for a kiss with an EXCESSIVE amount of tongue. It caught me off guard, but he was really good looking so I let it go. Anyways, we go into the establishment and it’s a Mom and Pop coffee shop. We get inside, place our order and it is time to pay, but he just walks away with the drinks. I said out loud “I...

I 29M am married to a 33F. My wife is not as interested in sex in general, while I clearly want more. We have sex about once in 1.5 months so I do feel some sexual frustration. She works from home so it’s not like I can just masturbate either. Recently, she had gone back home to see her family for a few days. I have always been curious on getting one of those 5 lb+ ass with vagina silicon toys as they seemed quite intriguing. So, I ordered one of Amazon which said it had discrete packing to use it while she’s away. I used it 3-4 times and then decided it’s too much work to maintain one / also felt some guilt around it so I threw it in the trash before she returned home. Now this was more than a month ago. The package as promised was indeed in discrete packing and it was discarded successfully. However, today I received a letter in the mail from the Amazon seller soliciting a $25 gift card if I were to leave a review for this 5 lb ass and vagina combo I had ordered (with a photo of...

This actually happened about a year ago when I was 16. It was a school day but I was at home for some reason, I cant actually remember why, and the rest of my family had gone to work/school so I had the house to myself, but my dad did tell me at about midday a couple of plumbers were coming over to try and fix our water pressure and that they knew what to do so I could just ignore them which was fine by me. Come midday im lying on the couch scrolling on my phone when the plumbers arrive. And theyre actually mostly tinkering with the hot water box thingy outside, only occasionally coming in to test a tap or something, so its like they arent even there. Now me, being a hormonal teen, all of a sudden get the urge to, yk, choke the chicken. And I enjoy doing it in big open spaces like my lounge room, it feels kinda freeing in a weird way. Plus I could hear the plumbers outside and the only way they would be able to see me is by looking through the front window, which they have no reason ...

I (39 M) want to preface this with the fact that I've NEVER harmed anyone nor do I have any intentions to do so. With that in mind, here's what just happened. For decades, at this point, I have been telling myself (silently most times) that "I'm going to unalive you" to thoughts that won't leave my brain. It's always directed at things I'm privately embarrassed about and never a person that's not myself. For example random time when I got pranked in middle school to make it look like i peed myself that just won't go away? "I'm going to unalive you." That time I sneezed so hard I sharted in the middle of talking to a girl I was crushing on and her friend who witnessed the whole thing told everybody about i? "I'm going to unalive you." Well today my lovely concoction of horribly put together thought meat decided to allow my partner (35 F), whom I've been with for 8 years to finally stumble upon my weird habit, t...

Sooooo today I fucked up, I decided to order some toys on Amazon. I am a 23M and still live with my parents, don’t judge it’s rough out here! Anyway, I was at work when the package arrived.. my mom also had a package that was delivered and got the 2 mixed up. She opened mine, and the text I got was “ummm what is this” and with an attached picture. The contents were on the severe side of kinky so she was worried about me and asked if I was okay 😭 I also just came out to them about a week ago so it’s still all new to them which made it a bit awkward. I made sure that shit was discrete as possible and it was all for her just to open it anyway. We had a discussion when I got home and it was rough, more awkward than anything but I’m just glad my parents care about me and I’d rather the discussion not be about what it was, but life is life and some things come unexpected 🤷‍♂️ (no pun intended) Anyway pretty big fuck up but all is good now TL;DR - My mom opened my package full of sex toys...

She never posts, reacts or responds so I’d never seen it on screen before. We’re present at all practices and games so the online chat which is mostly score updates and highlights doesn’t really interest us as we’re there for it. Last season some of the parents were as cliquey as players can be so nothing was specifically directed our way regardless. I don’t mess with WhatsApp at all myself and this is the only group I’m in. I’m the more extroverted of the two of us so I’ll comment once in a while or update on my daughter’s availability for this session or that. The first game of the season was last night so again being there I didn’t need to check the goal video. I recorded it myself from a superior angle as the rest of the parents were at field level and I was viewing from a balcony. Tldr: The new soccer season for my 15 year old daughter started officially this week and my wife was added to the group after me in view of dozens of other parents. How her name appears in my phone co...

Just happened Bandit, our puppy, got the snip at the start of the week and had been nearly perfect when it comes to messing with the effected area. Recently he had been going for it when he gets sleepy. We did get a donut cone and even though Bandit seemed ok he was having issues getting into some of his nap spots and playing with some chews. I heard about recovery onesies so I thought I'd grab one to make things a bit more comfortable for him. On top of Bandit being more comfortable the onesie looked like Freddy Kruegers sweater, and being a horror fan I liked it. It also fit with the little monsters puppy phase. When it finally got here i put Bandit in it and showed my spouse....then I got distracted for I swear not even 5 minutes then I hear his little "I'm having a difficult poop" yelp and at first I reacted like it was a regular accident then I remembered he was wearing a damn onesie and pooping. When I found him some had come out of the tail hole already i...

So my (34F) father (73M) has been having a tough time medically for some time and I had to pick his dirty laundry up from his apartment to take to the laundromat, now the 2nd or 3rd time doing this. When i went to pick it up the lady asked me if the clothes belonged to a patient because they were really badly soiled (#1 and even some #2). I truly didnt know when i had dropped them off otherwise honestly i would have just thrown them away but i didnt think to check plus my dad never said anything. I was soooo embarassed when the lady said that to me that i told her to hold on while i went to scramble for cash in my car to give to her for the lack of disclosure and what was obviously a pretty disgusting moment for them. Whats worse is this laundromat is right next to my job so i literally will see this woman almost every day. Luckily she was grateful for the generous tip but im never dropping anything there to wash againnnnnn TL;DR: my elderly dad gave me his dirty laundry to wash but ...

Today I messed up on a date I had been looking forward to for a while. I went out with a girl I’ve liked for months, and I was really excited to get to know her better. Everything was going well until, somehow, I ended up talking about my ex. I casually mentioned her at first, but then I went off on a tangent and spent about 15 minutes talking about the relationship, what went wrong, and how it affected me. I realized how uncomfortable my date was when she started checking her phone and nodding vaguely. When I finally stopped talking, the atmosphere completely changed, and the conversation became really tense. The date ended abruptly, and I don’t think she’ll contact me again................................. TL;DR: TIFU by talking too much about my ex on a first date

I am a college student living in Korea. (Sorry if my English is awkward) I have some tests next week, so I stayed at school for a long time studying in the library. So I was very very tired, and honestly, I think I was kinda out of my mind. I was walking down the hall to get home, and the view outside the window was so beautiful. The sun was setting. But I couldn't fully see the view because of the iron railing on the window. I looked around and there was no one there, so I tuck my head into the railing and enjoyed the sunset for a moment. (Now that I think about it, I just had to come outdoor and see it...) It was the perfect gap to put my head in. After a while, I was satisfied and wanted to go home. But my head didn't come out. It was easy when I came in, but not when I left. I struggled. I was in panic. Should I call 119(In the States, it's 911)? How do I explain it when I call them? "Help me, my head stuck in the railing"? They're going to come here...

TIFU by trying to get a silly pic of my cat. My cat loves strings. I have a notebook with a ribbon to mark your place. She was playing with that ribbon. I thought this was safe because it was attached to the book. Instead of making her stop, I grabbed my phone and took a photo. My spouse and I often take photos of the cats trying to help us at our tasks by doing unhelpful things. Like biting the bookmark of my notebook while I'm trying to work. She bit off and ate about 4-5" of the ribbon. That was 30 minutes ago. I've previously had a cat almost die from eating string. I’m at the Animal Urgent Care while they try to induce vomiting. I feel like the worst cat parent ever. The photo: https://imgur.com/a/CUMGXxD TL:DR didn't stop cat from eating a ribbon because I wanted to take a photo.

So, I thought I was being handy the other day. My bathroom sink had developed a slow leak, and rather than calling a plumber like a responsible adult, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I watched a couple of DIY videos online and felt confident that I could handle it. Armed with my trusty wrench and some plumber’s tape, I got to work. I managed to turn off the water supply (thankfully) and started dismantling the pipes underneath the sink. Everything was going smoothly until I noticed some old rust and corrosion. I thought it would be a great idea to clean it up a bit. Big mistake. While I was scrubbing away, I accidentally knocked loose a pipe I hadn’t planned on touching. Suddenly, I was met with a steady stream of water gushing out, and I panicked. I scrambled to put everything back together, but in my haste, I just made things worse. Water was spraying everywhere, and I could feel the floor turning into a puddle beneath me. Long story short, I ended up soaking the ent...

I (18F) was in the middle of work at my student job working at the gym at my college, and I started to realize that I was on my period. I go on break to start going to my college’s womens program offices to grab a pad because my advisor told me thats where they defenitely had some. I go over and its in a little space in the wall inside the main student programs building and a women is standing in a very tiny lobby with a hallway to its side. I approach her and ask if they had pads so she says asks what size I need. I tell her, she says “Okay!” and I follow her to get the pads. I guess my fogged up brain that was on autopilot just interpreted that as following her to get some as I wasn’t implicitly told to wait. I pass some offices to my right with people talking in them maybe 3 it’s a very small space and a kitchen to my left (At the time I thought this was just a really comfortable space for women to get that kind of stuff IG?? and enter these offices as they are open wide). It takes...

As with a lot of stories this didn't happen today but was a few days ago. I was hanging out with some family a few days ago, my sister invited her in-laws, we all get along and enjoy each other's company. I was talking about a side gig I'm working on with friends and that our website was going to be updated soon. I also mention that people can sign up for email newsletter updates. My sister's sister-in-law got excited and asked for the website. I told her the site, but she seemed to have trouble finding it. Whatever, we had a few drinks and it's not a short or that easy of a url. I try again with no luck. Now I usually have a dozen or so tabs open on my phone browser, and the site is one of them. So I just pull it up and slide my phone over to her. "There it is, just type in the url at the top." I just can see she is still having trouble. Then I hear "Oh, oops, I lost it, I don't know what I pressed." "Ok, let me see." I take...

This happened a few days ago. I was babysitting my cousin's kid (7f) and we were using chalk on a small chalkboard making funny designs. They were smaller sized chalk pieces, not the big ones for outside art. As a healthy snack I made a bowl of carrots and set them out. We started to munch on the carrots. At some point in one hand I had a carrot and in the other I had a piece of chalk. I bet you can see where this is going…. I ate the chalk instead of the carrot. This actually may be the worst feeling I have ever had, my heart just dropped. I don’t think I’ll ever eat carrots again and I am thinking of going to therapy over this trauma. I hate my life. TL;DR: I ate a piece of chalk instead of a carrot while playing with a kid. Now I may never be able to eat carrots again and possibly play with chalk.

A few days ago my roommate informed me that her parents were on their way to our apartment to check up on her since she had not been feeling well. Me on the other hand, I was feeling fucking great, until my roommate mentioned that her parents believed I was gay. Now you might be wondering why. Well, so did I. My roommate said her parents would never have approved of their daughter moving in with a male roommate, so instead of standing her ground and telling her mom and dad that she was old enough to live with whoever she wanted, she was like, nah... the gay roommate story sounded better. I had very little time to absorb all of this information because the parents were coming and my roommate wanted to know from me if I was willing to play the part of the gay roommate. I said I was more willing to leave the apartment before her parents showed up and avoid pretending to be gay. My roommate said her parents were under the impression that I was taking care of her while she was sick, so it...

I've been putting off clearing out my old storage unit for a year now. Asked my girlfriend if she'd help me clean it out and I'd take her to lunch after. I hadn't looked in some of these boxes in the years I've had them since high school, but for some reason was confident I had thrown anything too embarrassing out years ago. Well I was taking a box back to the car when I hear my girlfriend start cackling. I come back and she is holding up a bag of "personal time reading material" I had from when I was in high school and had to take trips to a family cabin with no internet for weeks at a time. (I was a teenager don't judge me too much) She's laughing so hard she was crying and my face was burning so hot I could have cooked an egg on it. She spent lunch snickering and making fun of me. And she made sure to point out how similar many of those girls looked to her. I then had to explain that 15 year old me would have high fived me until his arm fell ...

School pickup is a dangerous mess of cars going too fast from one million different lanes, and families trying to cross a busy road on top of it. Every day I'm trying not to cause or be offed by a car wreck and also not accidentally run down a family. Today I picked up one kid from school and my mom picked up the other. I was leaving from one parking lot with one kid in my car, and my mom, from the lot across the busy street with my other kid in her car. I say this with love and also frustration: my mom is someone who will make the simplest tasks infinitely difficult by trying to guess what the other person will want, and bending over backwards to try and make it easier for them. Except it always makes it harder. Every time. So there we were, my mom and I, two cars waiting to turn across a busy four lane street. Cars flying by. People walking everywhere. Cars waiting behind me, for me to turn. I see my mom across the way. She needs to turn right so then I can turn left, as is t...

I've been wearing contacts for probably 15+ years. They've never been entirely comfortable, but I've kinda just sucked it up because it's convenient especially for things like being active. Last visit to the eye doctor I told him my current lenses were ok but maybe could be better. He adjusted with a different brand with slightly different size and fit for each eye. Also adjusted the prescription just slightly. A week or so later the shipment comes in, I pick them up. I still had some old pairs left so I go through those, then months later I start wearing the new ones. Placebo effect, I tell myself they're maybe slightly better. Mostly the same. Idk. Hard to tell. Some days they feel better than others. Fast forward a year later to today. My eyes have really been bothering me the past month or so. Worse than ever. Like I can't wear my contacts more than 3 or 4 hours without feeling pain. I decide I'm going to make the jump to wearing dailies instead of m...

I've been on antihistamines for a couple months and recovering from a few months of major allergic rashes and hives, which also torched my mental health, making me so exhausted I had to go on new meds. I've been back and forth between meds since. The exhaustion has come back this past couple weeks, even though I've been going to bed on time and taking my night meds that used to guarantee I'd be conked out for the night. Now, they haven't been doing much and I've been having insomnia but on the verge of falling asleep all day. My work starts at 8 a.m. and I have to be there then because I'm the front desk person. Sometimes I have to nap in my car in my workplace parking lot during my half hour lunch to regain enough energy to keep working. That was the case today, but I woke up to a police officer opening my car door. There were 2 ambulances and like 8+ police/first responders that pulled up. Apparently someone had been "worried about me" but hadn...

So I've been trying to work as a snowcat driver for any ski resort in my area. One resort rejected me but offered a lift operator position. I agreed but I was in no way enthusiastic about it. I dread the idea of being a lifty but my people-pleasing side took over and I couldn't bring myself to say no. He signed me up for 7:30 this morning, about a week ago. Over the week I decide I should call and just cancel but I never do. Always put it off for who knows what. Last night I stay up till 1:30am completely forgetting about the interview and sleep in to 10:30. I notice a missed call and remember that I had that but for some fucking reason, I ignore it, not really caring about the idea of not working as a lifty at this resort. I call back 3 hours after they called and I'm stunned to realize that the grooming manager called, not the lift manager. He hasn't picked up or called back, only a message with his name. This is my literal dream job and I probably just blew my c...

Last night I was bored in my room waiting for the next day to arrive when I had an idea. I had bought some fake eyelashes from Walmart a while back and thought I would try to put two on. I looked up a tutorial and did what it told me to; Trim eyelash, put globs on ends and thin out to rest of strip, apply. I waited for it to dry, even having a fan blow in my face for a minute. I try to open my eye but I couldn’t. I started to tug and my eye still wouldn’t budge. After five minutes of tugging I put one hand on each eyelid and essentially ripped my eyelids open and I could see. I went onto the other eye and it did the same thing but took less time. I think I put the eyelashes too high on my eyelid. There were strings of glue connecting my top eyelid to the bottom on my second eye. After this debacle I decided it was time for bed. I was going to sleep with them but thankfully I looked up if that was a good idea, it wasn’t. Taking those things off hurt. I’m pretty sure I stretched my ...

There was a party at my place and everyone had gone home. My roommates were out till the evening and I was left bored and a little drunk. I started tidying up a bit but wasn't really feeling it. There was a few balloons on the floor and I stepped on one out of boredom. To my surprise, my foot sank into it and it didn't pop. Took both feet to do it. Then I had a drunken thought pop into my head. I wondered just how big these balloons could get if I kept blowing air into them. So I grabbed one, sat down and started trying to untie the knot. It was hard to do, especially as I'd been drinking, but I was determined and had nothing better to do. Eventually, I got the bloody thing untied and brought it to my lips. I started blowing it bigger, not really paying much thought to what I was doing. My partner hadn't blown them very big and it took a few breaths to make it feel really full. Then I carried on going out of curiosity, not really knowing what to expect. The bit you use...

I normally keep autocorrect off on my phone because I don't really use it and find it more irritating than just trying to keep on top of my own spelling. After resetting my phone I didn't realise I hadn't turned off autocorrect. Fast forward to today, I'm sharing a post about how my Facebook page is a safe place for trans people, and in the caption I write "any hate towards trans folks will not be tolerated" at least that's what I thought I wrote... in the post "trans" had autocorrected to "transformers" and like the idiot I am I didn't notice until I was messaged about being insensitive and joking about the LGBT community. This was obviously not my intention and I'm so embarrassed. I've since tired to explain my mistake and edited the post but this feels like one of those moments I'm going to think about for the rest of my life as I'm trying to sleep at night. TL;DR : trans autocorrected to transformers on a post ...

I 19f have a crush on my 25m co-worker and I don't know him well but we do have short little interactions. I have no idea why I like him so much, I have these such intense feelings for him for a year already and found myself in limerance over him. For the past year, ever since we started following each other on insta and liking my insta stories, I couldn't help but everday lurk through his Instagram followings and his LinkedIn account every once in a while. Two days ago, I was playing my music at work but got bored of it, so I asked my crush for a song recommendation and he typed on my Spotify search bar his favorite song. However, it started with the first letter of his initial. I didn't think anything of it until I got home and re typed in that same song again. And when I typed the first letter of his initial, not only did his first name came up right up first but his full name came up multiple times from when I was trying to find out if he had spotify last week so I co...

Happened a few minutes ago and I felt compelled to write about the cringe moment. There is an executive meeting held monthly where the team comes together to share updates about everything under the sun. The first 5 minutes is usually just casual conversation. Now, during a quick go around, one of senior executives stated, "I'm still stuck in the DMV for the next two weeks, but should be done with work shortly". The DMV within this context refers to District of Columbia, Maryland, and Virginia. Here's the TIFU, the meeting starts and we usually start with obstacles so that we can navigate through them as a team and then progress to positives. The question comes up to who would like to start with high-level issues facing the company and I don't know why (I'm sweating now just thinking about it), but I unmute and go "Paul (not his real name) is stuck trying to get his license for the next 2 weeks, we may need to address those horrible tellers". I jus...

I know what you're thinking, how does one fk up when scratching their balls? Well here's the story. It wasn't today but a few days ago. It all started when I laid down after a long day and a warm shower to watch some YouTube in bed and go to sleep. As a degenerate, I had my vape next to me which I was fidgeting with while watching a video. All was well until I felt an itch and itch that could not be scratched by just shifting around in bed an itch that needed the old patented pinch-and-roll technique. So I went for it. Little did I know that my vape had leaked a bit of juice onto my designated itching hand and when I made contact with the soft flesh of my scrotum I felt it. It was like nothing I had felt before, an arctic breeze in my balls, a cold that was so severe it felt as if all was going to burn. I lay there shifting myself around attempting to wipe off any of the nic from the area with my free hand. The sensation became unbearable and I ran to the bathroom and atte...

So, this happened yesterday, and I’m still horrified. For context, I’m really into alchemy. I’ve been experimenting with potions, trying to come up with something unique (and let’s face it, maybe even a little illegal). Anyway, I recently read that crickets could add a “special” essence to my latest brew. I thought, why not? I ordered 500 live crickets from some sketchy bug breeder online and figured I’d let them “marinate” in my magical mixture before harvesting their… uh, energies. Seemed foolproof, right? Wrong. The crickets arrived in a massive box. I had them in a plastic bin, which I thought was secure, and I got distracted working on a different elixir (don’t ask, it involves mushrooms). Long story short, I didn’t notice the lid wasn’t fully on. Next thing I know, crickets are swarming my apartment like they were on some sort of jailbreak mission. At first, I tried to scoop them back into the bin, but they’re fast. Way faster than I imagined. Crickets were jumping off coun...

This probably belongs in r/breadit and I may cross-post it, but right now it just looks like a fuckup. I was putting together a small batch of bread for myself. I had a small jar of pearled barley and was tired of looking at it, so I ground it up figuring I'd put it into some bread. I'd tried it with one batch earlier this week, but that batch was kind of helter-skelter, so with today's batch I tried to be more scientific -- actually plan, actually weigh things, all that. So I figure 600g whole wheat flour, 300g bread flour, 100g barley flour. Should work fine, that's enough barley flour to make a difference in flavor or texture, not enough to screw anything up. Got all my ingredients laid out, including diastatic malt powder (yeast nutrient). Put my flours together, stirred them up well, started putting jars back in the cabinet -- and noticed that there were two jars of diastatic malt, one large and one small, and one small jar of barley flour that didn't seem a...

TIFU, I’m staying at a friends place in this downtown ‘art loft,’ and my gf had an art project she was working on that involved using a little bit of spray paint. The building has this a creative space on every 4th floor that is perfect for working on projects and cleaning up afterward. My gf and I were staying there until our new lease started, so she goes to the art room and sprays some of this glitter paint on her canvas and lets it dry. My friend, my gf, and I ate some dinner and played a card game and then are all laying down on the couches watching a movie. At midnight, my friend goes to sleep & I ask my gf if the project is done or if it needs anything else since it’s supposed to be given as a gift the next day. She asks if I’ll check on it so I do… In my expert opinion it needs another thick layer since it has the opportunity to dry over night and is the last chance. I take the canvas to this giant hood-like vent thinking i found the perfect set-up. So I’m spraying the sh*...

Never thought I’d be sharing something like this, but here I am. I’m an immigrant who moved to a new country full of dreams and hopes. After two years in a degree I thought would help me, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been trying to break into finance and just completed Level 1 of the CFA, but the journey has been lonely and isolating. I’m working in a low-growth job, far from my family, and it’s taking a toll on me. To make matters worse, I’ve struggled with porn addiction for eight years, which got worse when I found myself alone. The only support I’ve had during this time is from my long-distance girlfriend, who’s been incredible despite her busy schedule. Recently, while trying to quit porn, I had a night where cravings hit me hard. I tried to avoid giving in by scrolling through social media and stumbled upon a site for anonymous sexting. I thought I’d give it a shot, but within a minute, I felt sick to my stomach and realized I made a mistake. It’s been five days since t...

So yeah, I'm just your regular 17 year old teenager who just wants to try out new shit. Today I was in a ride to my hometown, so decided to get myself a can of good-old zyn. For reference I don't take drugs in anyway, no vape, no cancer sticks, no nothing. The idea was just an ich in the back of my head, wanted to try it out for sometime. So there I was just listening to my songs, trying out what they call an 'upper-duckie', chilling with a hint of 'what the fuck am I doing with my life' thought... Everything starts out okay-ish. Feeling pretty chill, waiting for the nic to hit, as the weird taste of the pouch coming down my throat, the minty flavoured spit hitting slowly pouring down literally irritating the fuck out of my throat. SHIT STILL MAKES ME WANNA PUKE AS I THINK ABOUT IT! Anyways, I go on with the it, not thinking about it much. Suddenly my heart rate start going up! Like it's not just like slowly, it's just like an abrupt jump in heart ra...

So…. Uhh…. As the title says; last year I (19f) used blue hairspray for a Coraline Halloween costume, and it was a mess. It got everywhere. My hair, clothes, bed, walls, stuffed animals, and on unspeakable crevices of my room and body. This year, I went as Chappell Roan, and I used red hairspray to achieve the look. It was much easier to handle than last year’s (as I had my bestie to help me spray my hair), but it was still a lot to deal with. It was a different brand, and while it didn’t really damage my hair as much as the other one, it transferred EVERYWHERE. I got home pretty late again, and I just immediately (and unknowingly) passed out on my (again) WHITE BED. I’m posting pictures of where it all got. I think some stuffed animals my gf gave me might be ruined. Right now I’m washing my hair and praying my hair isn’t as stiff as it was last year. I don’t know if I just know how to deal with this this time, or if it actually is better. TL;DR: I’m a moron who apparently is una...

So yeah, I'm just your regular 17 year old teenager who just wants to try out new shit. Today I was in a ride to my hometown, so decided to get myself a can of good-old zyn. For reference I don't take drugs in anyway, no vape, no cancer sticks, no nothing. The idea was just an ich in the back of my head, wanted to try it out for sometime. So there I was just listening to my songs, trying out what they call an 'upper-duckie', chilling with a hint of 'what the fuck am I doing with my life' thought... Everything starts out okay-ish. Feeling pretty chill, waiting for the nic to hit, as the weird taste of the pouch coming down my throat, the minty flavoured spit hitting slowly pouring down literally irritating the fuck out of my throat. SHIT STILL MAKES ME WANNA PUKE AS I THINK ABOUT IT! Anyways, I go on with the it, not thinking about it much. Suddenly my heart rate start going up! Like it's not just like slowly, it's just like an abrupt jump in heart ra...

Let me first start out by saying my grandmother was a wonderful, cheerful, and goofy woman. One of my favorite memories growing up is that whenever she burped out loud, she would exclaim “Now that’s what I call a Swingin’ Partyyyy!!!” You can probably see where this is going. Maybe. My wonderful grandmother passed away in 2021 from Covid and I had recently turned 16, followed by me purchasing my first rolling turd of a car (2004 Nissan Pathfinder if you’re curious.) Shortly after her passing, I tried to think of cute and subtle ways I could honor her memory. My clueless 16 year old brain remembered my Grandmother’s after-burp exclamation and thought that was the perfect way to honor her. My aunt has one of those decal printer things, and I asked her to make me a sticker quoting “ Now that’s what I call a Swingin’ Party!!!!” She apparently didn’t see a problem with this either. So I apply the sticker to my car and marvel in its sparkly purple glory. Keep in mind that this is a very lar...

My [28M] girlfriend [26F] had just gotten out of the shower in the morning and was asking me what she should wear. I made a suggestion, but she said she didn't want to wear that because it was too tight. She said she was feeling gross. She knows I almost always say exactly what I mean, including compliments and criticisms. This is important to me personally as well as in our relationship because she has had body positivity issues, and I love her body and the way she looks. In my brain, I meant to say, "Well, why do you feel gross? You look cute!" And what came out of my mouth, as sharp, and clear as could possibly be was, "Well, you look gross." We both freeze, shocked. "She's squeaky clean, totally naked, and I just called her 'gross.' She probably thinks there is no way I didn't mean that. Fuck fuck fuck..." While I'm thinking this with a silent, dumb look on my face, I see her eyes filling up with tears and she grabs a towe...

So this happened last night, and I’m seriously considering quitting my job out of sheer embarrassment. I’ve been talking to this girl for a couple of weeks now, and things have been going great. We’ve been getting a little flirty over text, so I decided to take things up a notch and send her a message that was… well, let’s just say it was way more forward than usual. The message was supposed to say something like, “I can’t stop thinking about you… I swear, if I was there right now, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you 😉.” Yeah, you can already see where this is going. Except I didn’t send it to her. I sent it to my boss. Let me just paint the picture here: I’m sitting on my couch, thinking I’m being all smooth, and then I see the name at the top of the screen. It’s not her name. It’s my boss’s name. I literally felt my soul leave my body. I freaked out so hard, I almost threw my phone across the room. Now, I’m sitting there trying to figure out if I can somehow recall th...

I (41M) have had a beard of some kind pretty much all my adult life. Last time I was clean shaven was exactly 20 years ago in 2004. When I met my wife 12 years ago I had a short beard - "sexy stubble" about 5 mm (that's 0.2" to our metrically challenged friends). The past 6 years or so I've sported a full grown beard. My wife has told me loads of times, to trim my beard to the shorter version I used to have. She's never hidden the fact that she preferred it that way - especially when it got really long after I let it grow for a year or so. Lately my 7 year old son has been saying he'd like to see me without the beard and we've had banter about it. Early this week my wife had long days at a conference and my son and I have been home due to holidays. On Monday I decided "fuck it" and took my beard off. I trimmed it down, and did a full clean shave. My wife came home in the evening and hated it. She told me it was a huge turn off, told me ...

So I just had a presentation in my class and it was on some random topic and my topic was water. I was basically going through the slides and I got to the symptoms of being dehydrated. My first two points were Dry skin and mouth and Dark Urine, and basically since I did my entire slides and notes the night before, I had to read the slides as I was presenting while trying to keep eye contact with the audience and I stuttered pretty badly and combined the two and said dark skin instead. When I said it it got some laughs, probably because people knew it was a pretty bad fuck up in this scenario, but I'm worried that some people took it the wrong way. Obviously in the context of what I was presenting it was pretty bad, so I was wondering what you guys thought. TL;DR I was presenting in class on dehydration, stuttered and instead of saying dry skin and dark urine as a symptom I said dark skin.

This has been bugging a little bit for years now and I feel like I gotta get it off my chest. So when I was a teenager, our house was getting renovated, and I was helping out with putting up new panels on the walls. And for whatever reason, I came up with this dumb prank. I took a double condom (teenage curiosity), and instead of doing anything normal with them, I filled they with marzipan.. Still not sure why, but I thought it was funny as hell at the time. I tied it up, now looking like a mazipan dildo, and before I sealed up the wall, I put it on top of a stud inside together with a thong (pantie that I had collected from a homeparty). Then I covered the wall up, and I just kinda forgot about it. Fast forward like 20 years, my brother buys the house from my parents and decides to do some renovations too. He rips down that same wall and guess what? He finds the old, crusty marzipan condom and a red thong! Now, here’s where it gets really awkward. No one has any idea it was me, an...

We live in Southern BC, black bears are around town fattening themselves up. We have a small number of Apple trees in our yard. We got a new dog this week, he is a 9 month old German Shephard rescue. He is wonderful, still working on name recall etc. Last night I let the dog out into our fenced yard for a toilet break before bed. I saw them too late, a decent sized Mumma black bear and a smaller cub in the back corner. He was off after them before I could react. Due to the size/shape of the Yard the Mumma bear hurried her cub up the closest tree and followed it after. I ran inside to grab the dogs lead and a can of bear spray we keep around (we get bears a lot). A good 20 mins of him barking/lunging at them and the bears hissing/fake charging back. I decided it was not going to resolve itself, the bears were not going anywhere (fenced in yard, unsure how they got in - perhaps over the back smaller fence) and I was not able to call the Dog to heel or get his lead onto him. I decid...

Formatting and grammar sucks, apologies in advance. I work in the tool rental section of a home improvement store. A few days ago, a lady came in with a small doorknob attached to a backing and asked if we had a screwdriver to remove the screw. This is not unusual and we help with small things like that when we can. I checked the screw head(#2 Phillips, not really relevant), grabbed the screwdriver from the back, cane back to the counter and handed it to her. She seemed a little suprised but took it anyways. She positioned the screwdriver between the knuckles of her pointer and ring fingers and started awkwardly twisting. I took a look and realized that the lady had no thumbs! No scars or anything, I can only guess she was born without them(I wasn't about to ask for clarification). I figured it would be easier and quicker if I did it myself(and hopefully less embarrassing for her). I looked at her and stupidly said the first thing that popped into my head, "you need a hand?...

TIFU by drinking micellar cleansing water. EDIT: just so you know, I am fourteen. Please don't call me a moron. Don't mock me, for the love of fucking god. I know it was stupid. It's obvious, I posted this on a subreddit that is called Today I Fucked Up. Man. It's not like I do this thinking makeup remover is OK to drink, that I don't need to go out to drink water. I was scared to go out to have a drink, because I've gotten told off for it before. This story is real BTW. I don't karma farm, stop saying I am. Thank you, and I know I sound whiney and annoying in the comments. These comments also made me cry my eyes out after MONTHS of not crying because of how hard they hit. This only just happened now, and it's like 12am and I'm worried as fuck. I feel a bit sick and I'm worried I'll throw up my guts. I get thirsty sometimes, like most people. This time, I got thirsty in my room with nothing to drink. I don't like leaving my room after...

So tifu by sniffing my sister in laws thong. I got home from work early and came in through the garage. As I was in the garage I noticed the washer on with a little thong on the floor. With the kids being in school and me expecting my wife to be home alone, I try to be funny and put it on my face like a mask. I walk inside to find my wife and her sister on the couch watching a movie lol. My wife yells at me and says wtf is that?! My sister in law just looks shocked and is quiet. I get embarrassed and double down to not show my embarrassment. I remove the thong from my face and take a big oh sniff and say I’m sorry they just smell so delicious. My wife screams at me and says who’s f***en thong is that?! I say, it’s yours it didn’t make it in the washer . Then my SIL confirms it’s hers and my wife says she is washing her clothes here because her apartment water is shut off. We all laughed it off but I’m still embarrassed and I’m pretty sure I’m going to get a talk from my wife later TL...

It was an ordinary Tuesday night. I come home from work and decided to treat myself to 20mg of edibles. My wife and I have put the kids to bed early and we're enjoying dinner with some great conversations. I share how biking to work was so great when I realize that I did not bike home that day. I had caught a ride home from the gym and had forgotten about my bike (locked) at the bike rack outside my gym. The city I live in is notorious for bike thef. I've had two stolen in the past personally. It's only 8pm however so we feel there's a good chance the bike is still there. Here's our first FU. We live only a 10 mins drive away but I was starting to feel the gummy. Driving seems like a bad idea. We found an item retrieval option on Uber and thought this was perfect! We quickly typed up the instructions describing the bike and LOCK COMBO. We hastily sent it out before we realize that we basically gave all the drivers nearby the code to my fancy road bike. We did have...