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TIFU by being constipated for the last 22 years

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TIFU by being constipated for the last 22 years

Obligatory "this wasn't today".

Since my teens I have had trouble going to the toilet to the point where I would bleed and be in pain almost every single time. I hated it, I would always anticipate pain and try to prolong the inevitable... but, as we all know: it don't take "no" for an answer!

Things having been popping out that are not meant to make an appearance down there. I have resorted to haphazardly popping then right back in when in I'm the shower.

During a movement I would be straining to the point I would resemble Hellboy! Every. Single. Time!

I tried many things to combat this issue over the years. Changed diet, drinking absurd amounts of water, exercise. For example, I introduced A LOT of fibre in to my diet, but that did nothing permanent. It just sporadically made the "shit bullets" have a lubricated, and yet still painful exit. I would drink so much water that my colleagues thought I had developed prediabetes! I am not an avid runner, and have read about that helping things "move along"..., but it didn't change anything in the toilet department.

So here is where I fucked up! I am not religious, but this year, for lent, I decided to give up all bread products. No toast, sandwiches, pita bread, wraps, pizza, burgers in a bun... Everything!

A matter of days in to lent I was simultaneously delighted, embarrassed, annoyed, and elated with myself...

By the second week I was going to the toilet without the preconceived notion that I was going to rip myself open with a turd baby. And all it took was for me to stop eating so much fucking bread.

Day 49, and I now pass bowel movements like a VIP breezing past the queue at a nightclub... no struggle, no drama, just straight through...

Edit for clarification:

Yes I went to the doctor. No they didn't immediately think gluten issue and have a miriad of tests done. Don't ask me, I'm not a doctor!

I have never linked the consumption of bread and this issue in my head as I was not eating kilograms of it a day, people!

Obviously the doctor advised I look at my diet. Introduce more fibre etc. and it did help but just not consistently, even if I kept up the newly-introduced fibre.

I'm not eating bread again in a hurry!

tl;dr: pinching a loaf made easily by using less dough.

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