greenmangostudio

So I had to do my first civilian drug test today, and I walked in thinking it’d be the same deal as the Navy. You know the drill: observer follows you in, pants and underwear to the ankles, shirt lifted, full humiliation mode. Standard issue trauma. The tech hands me the cup and says, “Alright, follow me.” Cool. I follow him into the restroom. He stops outside the stall. I’m thinking, Oh, he’s the observer. Got it. So I start doing what I’ve done a hundred times in uniform — pants going down, underwear going down, shirt starting to come up. This dude practically jumps. He goes, “Whoa, no, no, no — what are you doing?” I’m standing there like an idiot, halfway undressed, confused as hell. “I thought you had to… observe?” He looks horrified. Like I just tried to reenact a crime scene. “No, man. I just need to be outside the stall. I don’t need to see anything. Ever.” I swear he said “ever” like he was begging the universe. So I awkwardly pull everything back up, shu...

I took my two children (7 and 4 months) to a chain fast food place where they are known to do a pick with salad, sandwich or soup and to have that food picked up at a counter. My 7 year old ordered on the kiosk and runs to a table. I finish and find them, we get the text that the food is done so we grab it from the counter. They run to get their soda and here is when all crap went down. They grabbed the wrong size lid twice so I went to the soda fountain to get my soda and proper lids. And older lady my guess late 60s (she’s 75) stops me. Her: “I hate how mean people can be especially women don’t you agree” Me: “Oh yah” Her: “That manager is so mean I did nothing wrong and she basically yelled at me. Are you Christian” Me: “yes” (I used to be catholic but I’ve been around people like her. Sometimes it’s easier to lie than hear a whole story about how you’re going to hell). Her: “Can we pray together, she’s really mean and she’s sleeping with her boyfriend and having kids with hi...

I was taking my maths lecture online today since it had been raining heavily the entire day and transport was an inconvenience. I was the only student online while the other students of varying years sat offline. The teacher uses a tablet for conducting the classes and the volume is generally turned up for everyone to hear, not very loud but the space in which she teaches is small and the sound reaches just about every corner of the room. The class had been going normally, I had been solving some questions with my mic (from what I'd presumed) muted. Just then, through the halfway mark of the lecture, my brother came into my room and insisted that he was going to continue with his work on my study table. I disagred obviously, and he became rudely adamant about doing so and accepting nothing else. I grew frustrated and started shouting at him, venting out my anger from earlier in the day as well. It got to a point that we both got sidelined and just started violently dissing at eac...

Obligatory this didn't happen to my sister, it happened to me, and it happened about three hours ago. I am still sitting in my car breathing into a paper bag. For some background context, my older sister "Clara" has a bizarre habit of mimicking me. It went so far last month that she dressed like me, took my spare keycard, and tried to sit at my corporate desk for four hours doing nothing. My company had to issue a formal trespass order against her, and security has her photo at the front desk. Because of this and other family drama, I am currently staying at a motel. Here is where I fucked up. I work a hybrid schedule. Today was my day to work from my motel room, but I realized I left a folder with incredibly important client signatures back at my actual office desk. I was in a massive rush because my boss needed the data by noon. I threw on a gray hoodie, swept my hair up into a messy bun, and ran out the door. When I arrived at my office building, I completely f...

My cat stopped using his automatic feeder after I changed his food, so I cleaned it out and shoved it in a kitchen cabinet. It sat there forgotten for probably six months before a woman in my building mentioned she had just adopted a cat, and I offered it to her. I completely forgot that I had recorded a custom message on it. Every morning at 6 it plays me saying, wake up you unemployed little goblin, your government assistance has arrived. Apparently the first time it happened she thought somebody was speaking through her baby monitor. The second morning she unplugged the monitor and still heard it, so she started checking every room because she thought someone had gotten inside her apartment. She finally figured out it was the feeder after standing next to it at exactly 6 in morning. She knocked on my door holding it and asked why my voice was insulting her cat before sunrise. I deleted the recording but now we have to see each other in the elevator knowing she spent mornin...

So after weeks of being home depressed as hell, I decided today to get out of the house, get nicely dressed and go alone to this cool jazz event I found on Instagram. The event was incredibly fun like people playing jazz in a park and everyone dancing and singing along. I was really feeling the music and then I lock eyes with this gorgeous girl at the other end of the park that was dancing as hard as I was. In retrospect she was probably just having fun, but we do make eye contact multiple times and I'm really feeling her. When the concert ends, I happen to randomly meet some old friends from school, and she just joins her group of friends. Fast forward like a couple hours, right before I'm about to leave, I think "I should really go talk to her", like why not? I'm used to talking to girls when I feel there could be a connection, that's how I met all my exs. What could go wrong? Everything did. As I approach this BIG group of people chilling in a circle,...