greenmangostudio

Really yesterday I was looking for something and came across a Fleshlight quick shot (clear and looks like an hole or lips depending on which side) that we’d used before and after I got the snip. I hadn’t used it in about two years, so I took it out to throw away—but then my work computer rang, so I set it down in the kitchen to take the call. Fast forward a couple of hours: my wife comes home from work, then my twins get dropped off by my mother-in-law, and it’s still sitting there. We’re all talking in the kitchen, and I spot it next to the kids’ lunch boxes, behind my mother-in-law’s back while she’s leaning against the counter. Then she and my wife switch spots, and they keep talking for 45 minutes—meanwhile, I’m dying inside. I fully expected my wife to say something last night, but she didn’t. Now I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I’m definitely not bringing it up. TL:DR I left a sex toy out with my MIL over

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...

Okay so here’s the story, I bought some processed white cheddar from Kraft and decided ”hey you know I really want a piece of cheese.” So what do I do? I get myself a piece of processed cheese. I also had apparently gotten a piece of paper towel stuck loosely on my shirt that eerily resembled the cheese I had JUST eaten, my gf has a very strict diet consisting of anything sweet so the cheese was definitely a stretch but I said to her “hey can you try this little piece of cheese I wanna see if you like it, because it doesn’t taste like the sharp cheddar.” She willingly decided to try what I had to offer. Now here’s where things get glonky, I was currently under the influence of green, and decided to just hand feed her, and right as I stuck it on her tongue she immediately recoiled and I realized I had just fed my gf a piece of paper towel cheese. TL;DR I hand fed my gf paper towel.

ok backstory. about a year ago i wanted to cancel my gym membership. it was that boutique kind where you have to talk to a human. i'm 42. i panicked anyway. she asked why i was canceling. i said "i'm moving to portugal." i'm not moving to portugal. i was between leases for a couple months and the gym was twenty minutes from my new place. but you can't say "it's not convenient anymore" to a 22 year old in a polo shirt who's been trained to "save the relationship." so i said portugal. she gasped. she literally gasped. "oh my god, that's amazing." she ASKED ABOUT THE LIFESTYLE. i made up a beach. she put it in my file. she said "we have a sister gym in lisbon, do you want me to email you a referral?" i said sure because i panicked again. so the email comes. it has a portuguese visa pdf attached. there is a line about "your move." it is signed "boa sorte!" that was eleven months ago. eve...

So most of you are probably familiar with Slushy Noobz with Hamzah and Martin. They are a comedy duo that have an ironic and over the top “cringe” style of humor. They often go viral on TikTok and YouTube with millions of views and edits which is how I discovered them. One video of theirs is called “Draw My Life” and during the video Hamzah mentions that he got deported in Canada. Martin then says “okay my dog died 🤨” It’s one of the funniest clips I’ve ever seen and I assumed that everyone has seen it… Well, today in my speech class, we were working on our upcoming speech. I should mention that I am more quiet and reserved when I’m in school. So there is one guy in this class, who I’ll call Benson, who has been seated next to me a few times. We will occasionally have conversation and back and forth and are friendly. Today as one of his friends, who I’ll call Amy, was passing out papers she made a joke saying “you gotta get better handwriting.” He then joked back and said “hey don...

I went to a hardware store yesterday and had a smoke in the parking lot before going in.. I had multiple items to pick up and also wandered and eventually came out after 40 or so mins.. when I came out I saw a fire truck and firemen trying to douse a fire in a curbside mulch which was smoking.. when I was walking to my car I realized it was the same mulch area where I threw my cigarette bud.. I swear I extinguished it like I always have for the past 2 decades .. my mind and body is so habitual to extinguishing a cigarette bud that many times I've burnt my feet when I was smoking bare foot .. but maybe there was a spark left and due to drought conditions in my state the mulch could have been very dry and caught fire.. thankfully someone called the fire station and things were controlled before any minor or major damage TL;DR: Didnt extinguish a cigarette bud properly, caused a fire