TIFU by getting high and trying to mow the lawn

This didn’t happen today, but a few weekends ago. My wife was spending the day at her sister’s new house to help her paint, and since her sister lives about 5 hours away, she was staying the night on a Saturday and coming back Sunday. Our kids also happened to be going to my parents’ that weekend from Friday evening to Sunday, so as a result, I was going to have 24 hours home alone for the first time in about 7 years. When my wife asked what I was going to do with my time alone I jokingly replaced “I don’t know, probably just get high and jerk off, maybe mow the lawn.”

So she leaves Saturday morning and after the obligatory masturbation session I decide to play some video games for a bit and then get a little high. I take edibles a couple nights a week and am kind of a lightweight. Usually half a gummy or 5 mg will do it and I’m feeling good until I go to bed. Since I’m alone and have a whole day to myself I decide to live a little and take 60 mg.

After a couple of hours of Red Dead Redemption 2 spent repetitively killing lawmen just to take their hats, I decide I’m bored, and the sun is shining so maybe I’ll go outside and mow the grass since I hadn’t cut it yet this year. It wasn’t super long but was getting a little raggedy looking in some spots and I like to keep it looking clean. So I grab my noise canceling headphones and go fire up the mower and turn Spotify to a DMX playlist (RIP).

Now, we have a big property. 20 acres total, but only about 4 that we mow and the rest is made up of horse pastures, fields, woods, etc. Still, it’s a lot to cut, so I use a zero-turn riding mower and it usually takes around 3 to 3 1/2 hours. If you’re not familiar with this type of mower, you turn it on with a key but then there is a separate knob you pull up engage the mower deck with the blades.

I get to work and my higher-than-usual ass is having a great time. Got my head phones on listening to music, just vibing on my mower in the sun. Nice little Saturday afternoon. I get about 3/4 of the way done and I get a call on my phone so my music stops. I turn the mower off and answer the call and when I’m done I fire it back up and engage the mower deck and resume cutting. When I turn around I notice that the last bit I cut is noticeably shorter than the rest of the lawn. Wtf, I didn’t mess with the blade level, why is it shorter? Check the blade level and it’s at a 4, which is what I set it at to start, so that’s not the problem. Then it dawns on me... I never engaged the blades when I started, so I spent roughly 3 hours driving around my yard like a jackass doing absolutely nothing. I’m then left with 2 options: keep going and actually cut the rest of the yard which would take another 3 1/2 hours; or admit defeat, bail, and pretend like this never happened. I’ve had enough, so option 2 seems like a no-brainer and I call it good. Put the mower away and spend the rest of the day playing with the dog and watching Netflix, then got up Sunday morning and actually mowed the lawn before my wife and kids got home.

TL;DR I got high and spent 3 hours riding my lawnmower around my yard without actually cutting the grass.