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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating too much ice cream

I am lactose intolerant, but with lactose pills I end up constipated instead of gassy and with the runs. I had way too much ice cream last night and was the most constipated I’ve ever been this morning. I was scared I’d have to go to the hospital or something. It was an intense battle that left me naked, sweating, and trembling. After a half hour of struggling I got desperate and sacrificed a finger to dislodge the obstruction. I was left with not much but a poppy finger to show for it. I had to stand up and suck up my progress so I could take a break, wash my hands and take a shower. I even tried using my bidets enema jet function to no avail. Finally after an hour and a monumental effort I got relief. But no matter how much I wash and scrub my hand with soap and hot water my fingernail still has a faint poop smell on it.

Tl;dr I ate too much ice cream and now my finger smells like shit.

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