TIFU By voluntarily being maced and engaging in less than conventional sexual behaviors

Alright r/TIFU, buckle up because this one is a doozy. We're still suffering the repercussions of this one. This happened over the course of the last 20 or so hours.

So to start, I'm a hothead. A Spicelord. That dude that will always insist he can handle the spiciest of foods. I'm sure you've already got the outcome of this situation in your heads but I promise you, you have no idea. This has nothing to do with hands. In fact, because of my propensity for hot foods, and having some unfortunate experiences in the past, I take the utmost caution in indulging in my favorite foods.

My pantry is regularly stocked with ghost-pepper chips. My fridge is chock full of the most devastating of hot sauces. I'm even subscribed to Sean Evans Hot Ones Monthly Subscription Box. I pickle my own Habañeros, I've done the one-chip challenge multiple times.. I could go on.

Last night my wife and I went to the bar, as is typical for any given night, but almost every Tuesday, as its my night off and my wifes day off is Wednesday. I'm a bartender, she's a server, we live in a small town where all of the service industry folk hang out at one particular bar, and most of us are down there every night.

It was pretty slow because the town was anticipating a snow storm later in the wee hours of the morning, so it was only about 10 or so of us hanging out. We started to get bored, so we broke down the beer-pong table that sits in the corner and usually only comes out on a Wednesday or Thursday when the bar is a little busier. Myself and my regular beer-pong partner and good friend were running the table, 5 or 6 games deep, as is our norm, while other teams cycled out game by game. It was getting late, around 1, and the snow storm was supposed to start, so everyone in the bar agreed that we'd have one last game and help the bartenders close up early so nobody got trapped.

Cue the first fuck up. My propensity for spicy foods is no secret. We hosted a ghost-pepper eating contest to raise money for a bartender that had passed away the prior year, of which I was the victor. The industry folk know when I bring in food after work to not touch it, lest they suffer the wrath of the bottles of hot sauce I keep behind the industry bar. We were starting up the last game when our opponents, two other industry regulars, started offering bets on the winning team. Everyone was pretty sloshed at this point so we were up for it.

The conditions of the bet were simple: If my team won, everyone else in the bar split my and my partners bar tab (it wasn't outrageously high, and between 8 or so other people, it came down to about 5 bucks a person), to which everyone agreed. The opposite condition, though...

The girl we were playing against, call her Eve, gets to spray one shot of her estimated 4 million Scoville pepper spray directly on to my tongue. After some cursory research, we verified that the only ingredients were pure Capsacin and Propylene Glycol, totally safe for ingestion, if not incredibly unpleasant. The spiciest thing I've ever eaten; an entire raw picked Carolina Reaper, is only rated at 2 million Scoville, and had me out of commission for nearly a half hour. I figured we had no chance at losing, as we'd already beaten these two by a fair margin tonight, so I laughed and took the bet..

The game commenced and this is where it all went downhill. My partner started making wild shots that had no chance in hell of sinking. He wanted to see me get pepper sprayed, and I knew it immediately, so this game would be a 1v2 that I had to fight for.

Inevitably, without a partner, I lost. We closed up everything, helped clean down the bar and prepared our last shots before closing our tabs. Everyone lined up while I stood in the middle of the room, eyes closed, nose plugged and tongue out. I had the bartender do the spraying because she was the least intoxicated of everyone, and I wanted to be sure it'd be one quick spray directly onto the tongue and nowhere else. She let fly the Devils liquid.

Holy hell, first, it tasted like the embodiment of pain; flavorless, but chemical in nature. I had prepared, letting in one long breath before she sprayed so i could immediately exhale instead of pulling it into my lungs, and thankfully this seemed to help, but it didn't stop me from slamming my mouth shut and immediately coughing and sputtering, downing my Irish Car Bomb in the hopes that the cream would help alleviate or neutralize it. I used to know how to make LAW mixture and would have given my left nut to have some in that moment.

Ten or so minutes pass and I'm finally able to speak again, though my tongue is extremely swollen and my saliva tastes like it's trying to kill me as it passes through my mouth, into my throat and down to my stomach. My entire body is on fire at this point, but it's becoming more bearable as time passes.

Everyone finally disperses and we all agree that because the snow is starting to come down, it's not a good night for an after party, so we all head to our respective homes. My wife is laughing at me the whole way home while she drives because I'm simply incapable of doing anything but breathe heavily and wince intermittently.

By the time we make it home, the snow is coming down hard, so we both know there's no chance she's getting called in on her day off, and I make the executive decision to text all of my coworkers on shift that night and tell them we're taking a snow day and keeping the doors locked. At this point the heat has all but subsided, and we're both pretty drunk and hungry, so I slap together a shrimp Alfredo and we dig in. For once, I skip the hot sauce.

We eat, turn on the TV and start watching a movie. It's about 3AM and I'm not at all tired, given my regular bed time is about 7AM on a regular day, but wife is starting to get visibly sleepy. I ask if she wants to go to bed and she offers some half-drunk, "well, I can, but I wouldn't if we could do something that keeps me alert," with a seductive look. I knew exactly where she was going, so I went to set up the bedroom

We have a pretty large assortment of ... er, gear, and we have a routine where we set it all up regardless of whether or not we use it all just in case, in the spur of the moment, we want to. These things include restraints, toys for both her and myself, ropes, specialized sheets, the works.

I'm busy setting up when she walks in behind me, completely naked, and teasingly asking when I'm going to be done. I laugh and say "I'll be ready when I'm ready but you can go ahead and get started." And she turns me around and looks me dead in the eye, and with an unceremoniously stern and demanding voice says "absolutely under NO circumstance are you to go down on me tonight. I don't want that toxic shit anywhere near there. No kissing either!"

She has no tolerance for spicy, so I understand the no kissing, and I definitely understand the no southbound foreplay. I finish setting up, she's got herself warmed up, and she returns the favor for me. All is great and we have at it.

We usually take our sweet time, but tonight we're really taking the scenic route, knowing neither of us have anything to do tomorrow, and using pretty much every gadget and gizmo we have at our disposal. Things get pretty heavy and we move to the ... less conventional portion of our sex life, engaging in more and more depraved acts as we go, until we finally finish and start to clean up. We get the cursory stuff put away and the toys in the sink for later washing when I tell her I'm gonna shower, and she insists on joining me. Fine, nothing out of the norm.

And here's where the fuck up really starts to take effect, and where our deviances stray to the... less than conventional; were showering and I warn her I'm going to open the curtain because I have to urinate, to which she holds it shut and drops to her knees, begins fellating me and gives me the thumbs up. Yes, we occasionally participate in watersports. Who are you to judge? Have you SEEN your internet history lately? Fuck off.

Did you know that Capsacin is indigestible to humans, and passes in its entirety? I did.

Did you know that when Capsacin is filtered by the kidneys and is present in extreme amounts, it can filter into the urine? I didn't.

My entire life of eating spicy foods, I'd never experienced Firepee before. Firehole, sure, a handful of times, but never from the other exit. The second I started to .. er.. let fly, I knew something was wrong. My urethra was burning more than a Marines on leave in Thailand and I tried stepping back, nearly slipping in the process, causing her to reflexively bite down for just a moment and skinning the very tip.

A whole two seconds later I hear her, beyond my wincing, shout "oh Jesus what the fuck?!" And start spitting and sputtering. I help her to her feet, quickly rinse myself off and run to the kitchen for bread and the bottle of Baileys in the fridge, and run it back to her, my slightly bleeding member swinging between my legs the whole way. By the time I get back she's violently brushing her teeth, tears streaming down her face, as I'm standing there dripping onto the bath mat with a Loaf of bread in one hand and a bottle of bailey's in the other.

This is a girl that can't eat horseradish, thinks Tabasco is supremely spicy, and has to have her Alfredo cooked in a different pan because if I add Cajun seasoning it's a struggle for her to get down. I felt fucking horrible, and then remembered exactly why there was such a massive deposition of capsacin in my urine; The fucking pepper spray. 4 million Scoville, twice that of a ghost pepper, being constantly absorbed in its chemical form into my body via my saliva over the course of hours before we'd started, and then my body's metabolism being vigorously sped up by our couple hours of cardio.

I did all I could for her and we got back in the shower, rinsed off the residual soaps and got out, the entire time her punching my in the chest or arm any chance she got, telling me I was never getting another blowjob as long as I lived, and me, admittedly mildly concerned about how long this whole firedong thing was going to last, and trying not to laugh at the fact that she got a solid dose of spice secondhand from our gross escapades.

We passed out and I woke up at my regular time, around 3PM, made us "breakfast," and we sat outside on the porch watching the snow blanket our town as we burned a cigarette, where she made me promise we'd never engage in watersports again if I've had ANYTHING spicy within 7 days. I'm expecting a legitimate contract. She's serious. In that time I did some research because, again, this has never occurred despite my propensity for spicy foods, and it turns out firepee is a very real thing when Capsacin is ingested in large doses.

I asked her if I could post this under a throwaway account and got the go ahead, so here I sit, with a very irritable wife poking fun at the fact that I could register my urine as a self-defense weapon.

Today's been fucking weird, Reddit.

Tl;Dr, lost a bet, got pepper sprayed in the mouth, had sex with wife, peed in her mouth in the shower, pee was spicy, dick hurts, wife is irritable but a good sport. Not participating in that particular kink for a while.

Thanks for reading. Don't know exactly how to prove this one but if one of you has a suggestion, I'm willing to try, because I'd like to have some record of this phenomenon for myself.