TIFU by eating a psychedelic mushroom and destroying my mind.

This happened a little over three years ago, in 2022. At the time, I had a lot of depression and anxiety, and was disillusioned with life in general. I was unsatisfied with my job and future prospects, and the future looked bleak for me. I felt like a needed a temporary break from reality. I got much more than what I expected.

I was at work one day, talking with a buddy of mine about whatever. The conversation somehow leads to me telling him that "I would try mushrooms if I had the chance." To this day I regret saying those words, and I wish that I had no such interest in the first place. I think he mentioned that he had a connection that could get me some. Sometime later, we meet up with the connection and my buddy mentions my interest, I have a small talk with them, and we set a date. We meet up about a week later, and the person hands me a bag containing two "shrooms" for free (potential red flag, but might have been a sample).

I didn't use them right away. I even held onto them for a few months, I believe. I was waiting for a good time to myself (living with relatives). I even thought about throwing them away at times, but simply didn't for some reason. I really wish that I had. One day, one of my relatives went out-of-state for something, and the other left the house for at least a few hours. This was my opportunity.

I took a shroom out of the bag and stupidly ate the whole damn thing. The effects kicked in sometime later. No hallucinations, but a feeling of euphoria combined with giddiness. I wasn't in control of my body or mind, and I had a full-blown conversation with myself about things that I nowadays don't really remember. Listening to music felt great.

At some point I started to come down from the "trip" and I realized that something was wrong. I knew that things were different somehow, but it would take me a while to realize what exactly. I tried to "sleep it off", but when I woke up later on, I realized that things didn't get any better. I didn't think to go to a hospital, or I was afraid to.

I went to work the next day feeling like sh*t. My brain felt like it was scrambled and burning, and I couldn't think clearly about anything. This would continue until the present day, except it would progress and continue to get worse.

The full list of problems is too long to add to this main post, so I'll add it as a comment or something. But in shorter terms, the problems include: Severe memory loss; anterograde and retrograde amnesia; drastic personality and behavioral changes; depersonalization; steep decline in intelligence; loss of learning capacity and knowledge retention; loss of knowledge and information; loss of genuine comprehension of concpets and ideas; complete inability to understand complex concepts; inability to form "solid", clear, cohesive and coherent thoughts; loss of problem solving ability; loss of emotions and empathy; detachment from reality; delusional thinking and beliefs; lack of behavioral control; lack of awareness of surroundings; lack of situational awareness; inability to focus; loss of interest in hobbies, activities and life in general.

I threw away the second mushroom and sought out treatment. The neurologist couldn't do much for me besides refer me to a psychiatrist, and I'm currently taking meds for dementia/memory problems (I'm only in my late 20's). I've had psyche evaluations, but there's no definitive diagnosis. MRIs didn't show anything abnormal. I'm currently undergoing neurofeedback and EMDR therapy, but nothing seems to be working.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that my future looked bleak, but never in my life could I have predicted that things would get this unimaginably bad. That mushroom wiped my brain and destroyed my mind. I can't properly think or feel anything anymore. It feels like I've completely lost myself, and that the personality I had is mostly (if not entirely) gone. Every day I'm constantly fighting with my ignorance, stupidity and delusions, but to no avail. If I had a soul of some kind, then it feels as if it no longer exists. It feels like my existence has become a void, and that I'm no longer even alive anymore. I can hardly even remember the person that I used to be. I feel like I'm one of the dumbest and most ignorant people in existence. My life may not have been the best, but I still had my reasons for continuing to live. Those reasons are now gone, and I'm left with only the hollow hope of recovery.

This is an existentially bad problem that no one should have to experience, and it's one of the worst fates imaginable. I can't even cry about it nor be angry about it due to my lack of comprehension and emotions. I'm experiencing this because it simply didn't occur to me to research the dangers of these substances, and OFC I should have just avoided drugs entirely. But for some reason or another, I simply didn't know better at the time. It'll take an actual miracle to get me out of this situation, and I just might believe in a god (or something) if that were to happen.

Rest in Peace my former self. I hope to see you again someday. Regardless of if we meet again, I'm profoundly sorry for what I did to you. I never wanted this outcome for us, but here we are. I hope that we can one day appreciate the beauty of existence again.

TL;DR: I ate a psychedelic mushroom and quite literally lost my mind. I neither understand nor comprehend anything anymore, and I barely feel any emotions. I no longer feel like a living human being. My life is utterly ruined.