TIFU by realizing that laxatives can take awhile to kick in.

I have been struggling with some gut issues, etc. So a friend convinced me to try the carnivore diet. (if this diet works for you then awesome, we are all different, this isn’t a knock on the diet itself.) So proceed with the meats and eggs. Breakfast, lunch dinner. It all seems to be going ok as possible until the 4th day when I realize I haven’t pooped in well, 4 days. I figure it’s the new diet, it will adjust. 3 more days go by and I’m getting increasingly uncomfortable. I have pounds of fermenting meats in my intestines and it feels like it. I’m releasing horrid gas that smells like it. Well now it’s been a week. I figure this isn’t good, right?

So I head to the store. I have zero experience with laxatives and I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone, so I google. So I throw in some kids dulcolax (good to start gentle, right?) some glycine suppositories because I read on Reddit (thanks Reddit) that these are gentle and effective, some adult Dulcolax, some prune juice (classic choice) and some dried apricots for good measure because I remember when I was a kid these made me poop like no tomorrow.

So the first day I pop a couple kids dulcolax. Nothing. A few hours later I decide let’s try the glycine. Nothing. Later that day I try more kids dulcolax and another glycine suppository. Nada. I realize at this point pooping has consumed my every thought.

It’s been 8 days now, the longest in my life really, and I feel so bloated, nauseous and full of poop I contemplate going to the doctor. Instead I figure why not throw the rest of the arsenal at the problem. I take a couple more kids Dulcolax, I pound a can of prune juice, pop two adult dulcolax, and then later that day eat a couple handfuls of dried apricots. When nothing happens after a couple hours, another can of prune juice down the hatch and one more Dulcolax because why not?

As I lay down in bed my stomach starts making noises. Noises that no stomach should make. Noises that perhaps only a demon possessed animal of some sort might make. And the gurgling. I have never heard or experienced the likes of it. I toss and turn and wish I could turn back time. I can feel that something is going to happen, something intense, and I’m terrified.

At some point I fall into a fitful sleep. I dream of being chased by animals making strange noises. I wake up twice in a cold sweat and try to get something to release in the bathroom. Instead I throw up. At this point rolling cramps are hitting me and every time I go sit in the toilet my legs go numb and I feel lightheaded. Yet, nothing.

I somehow fall into a brief fitful sleep, and I wake up feeling like a hot knife is twisting its way through my guts. I run to the bathroom and trip over my very confused and concerned dog and stumble the rest of the way into the bathroom.

I plop down. And I feel something literally moving its way out. I’m giving birth to something and it’s unnatural and large. To spare the details it decides to get stuck painfully right before freedom and I die a little on the inside. Finally it releases with so much force behind it I splash myself with toilet water.

Then the fun begins. That scene in dumb and dumber after he gets dosed with the laxative? That seems mild compared to what I go through. For over an hour it’s like an intermittent waterfall of the worst kind. I’m sweating, hunched over with rolling cramps as something unholy unleashes itself over and over.

After an hour and a half I stumble to the bed and collapse. I chug some Gatorade, thankfully I had a bottle, so very thankful, and I manage to pass out from exhaustion.

Until two hours later I am tortured by another miserable and violent experience that leaves me weak and questioning how these things can be available over the counter for us stupids to unleash upon ourselves. This experience repeats itself 2 more times until at the end I swear it’s just water. It can’t be anything else at this point. I’ve literally become a human fountain of the worst kind.

It’s the next day now and I am still making trips to the bathroom every couple hours. My whole abdomen is sore. I will never question the benefits of fiber again. And next time god forbid I will have some patience instead of chucking the kitchen sink at it.

TL;DR Laxatives had a delayed effect and I learned my lesson.