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today i fucked up.
a girl i used to have feelings for came back into my life after a year and a half. she had a boyfriend, but we reconnected as “just friends” a few weeks go by and we went out to celebrate her getting through a rough chapter in her life
we had drinks, played darts, and ended up back at her place where we had sex. halfway through it, i completely zoned out and couldn’t focus anymore. the guilt hit me all at once because i knew she wasn’t single, and suddenly i realized i didn’t even want to be there in that moment.
i told her i was tired, left, and went home feeling empty. i hadn’t enjoyed any of it. all i felt was guilt and disappointment in myself.
a week later she texted saying she wanted me in her life, but i couldn’t do it. after what happened, i couldn’t look at her the same, and honestly i couldn’t look at myself the same either.
even if part of me once wanted something with her, how could i ever trust someone after we both did that to her now ex? the biggest fuck up was ignoring what i knew was wrong and putting myself in that situation in the first place.
TL;DR: reconnected with a girl who had a boyfriend, we had sex, halfway through i zoned out from guilt and realized i didn’t even want to be there. left feeling empty and cut her off after.
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