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TIFU by removing my earring too early

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TIFU by not realising how much I need to professional help earlier

I (22F) think I have ASPD, and it's ruining my life.

I live a parasitic life, I lie constantly, I steal, I feel threatened when someone calls me out, I get angry when someone cries, I get into arguments constantly, I have no realistic plans for my future I just waste my present with impulsive choices, I waste money constantly, I only feel bad when I get the consequences, I've never had an actual relationships, I try to normalize my bad behaviour, I make people sad or angry then go back to doing what I was doing and feel shocked when people are stuck on it even if it was 5 minutes ago.

I don't like responsibility, I do everything in my power not to work, I feel entitled to peoples admiration but I don't admire myself, I get throughts of hurting people even tho I would never do that, when people inconvenience me even if they're close to me I wish they died so they'd be out of my way, I constantly imagine myself with a better position, wealth, status and psychical attributes, I have a moral code for others but not so much for myself, I don't handle my finances well, I only felt limerance and never love, I have no real friends.

I don't know what to do. I don't want this life for myself and I desire to have relationships and stable life but I can't handle life without some sort of trouble. I had been diagnosed family confined conduct disorder at 8 but it wasnt severe. Later I went through trauma and got psychosis for a couple months (I don't remember the timeline) in highschool. It just got worse and worse after that.

I'm my 4th year in university, my GPA is 1.98 and I'm extending my studies for one more year. I didn't even study to get into this, I didn't have any plans for a major I picked after my score came back. I just found myself in a good school and good major but I skip classes I don't even know what days I have which classes. I have to take 11 this semester (most from lesser classes) which was supposed to be my last. I just come and go, looking at my list everyday. I'm genuinely ruining everything I touch.

I stole 2 grams off gold from my mother. It was not my first time stealing from her, she confronted me 2 times before, now 3 in total. I don't even know how long ago I did that. She learned about it today I tried to deflate the situation I had something in had to give to a neighbor so after a while of arguing I excused myself and left. I fell down the stairs on my way back and twisted my left ankle and hit my right leg on the last marble stair.

Someone called the ambulance and I called my mother she was obviously freaked out, she brought a close relative we have and his wife and we met at the hospital. Thankfully I have no crack in my bones. But after we went back home we argued again and I couldn't tell her I have credit debt she doesn't know about.

We had a talk about how I probably have cleptomania which, fair. But I think it's deeper than that. Last time I went to a psychiatrist she asked me to bring my mother to hear about my childhood from her, I declined and didn't go back becouse it seemed she was trying to diagnose me but maybe I did the wrong thing. I already feel shitty about it becouse I don't want to be this kind of person, it's like my life is going to shit. My mom seems to worry about this going out/getting worse and ruining my life. I think I need professional help.

"TL;DR:TIFU by realizing my compulsive lying, stealing, impulsive behavior, and emotional instability are probably signs of much deeper mental health issues like ASPD that are actively ruining my relationships, education, and future and it might be too late"

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