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TIFU by texting my ex

so, hey guys, i really messed up, lett me tell u a bit about me and my relationships

im a girl and im in a relationship for almost 3 years now, i really love my boyfriend and im happy with him, sometimes we are in long distance, but we see each other like once a months

lett me tell you about the situation, yesterday at night i've seen that my ex ( we've been together like half a year) used an emoji in his nickname which triggered me, i cant tell wat was it.

so i wanted to text him to ask why the fuck does he use it. i know that it was a bad idea.. and i texted him, and wanted him to feel bad cause more then three years ago he cheated on me (we were dating only online and he told me that after a week) so i wanted to hurt him, as he hurted me..

a bit pff dettails: in my current relationship i fuxked up many times.. like i texted my ex when i was missing my bf.. i wanted to show how good my life has become adter my ex, (its stupid, i know..) but i never really hurted my ex with that messages. This time when i texted him, in a half an hour i told it to my bf because i knew that hidding it from him would be wrong..

than i texted with ex and i told that yeah, i wanted him to feel that pain that he gave me..

and after we talked he started telling me that he is thankful that i tried to hurt him because in that moments in his life he neded that. And i told him that i already fucked up, so now he needs to tell me some shit about me so i'll feel a completly shit and not just partly shit.

after a bit i told him that his cheating hurted me a lot, wnd he told me that he doesnt remember cheating, and all this time he didnt know why i was so angry at him. so i told what was 3 years ago, he felt bad, and sad a lot of sorry, but i finally filled relief, like ok, maybe he forgot, now he knows and we finally closing that chapter. we told each other good luck and its all.

some useful info: me and my ex werent talking after we broke up. only yesterday after that talk i really understood why i was texting him all those times..

my bf knows all of those times and after everyone i was trying to gain his trust back..

and now i understand him that he feels wary strange because even if i closed a chapter with ex now, he is thinking maybe our relationships werent that serious for me, but its not true..

i really deeply love my boyfriend.. im truly happy with him..

last two weeks i was thinking a lot that im scared of losing him.. and now im thinking about this like, if i was so scared and i was thinking to much about loosing him, maybe i started making steps to lose him?.. like if its a thought in my brain that was constantly there, maybe even without understanding i started doing staff to reach that thought?..

for everyone who is reading:

no i dont feel anything to my ex

no i dont want to get back with him

I understand my boyfriends feelings and im angry at myself that i texted ex again.. but at the same time im happy that thing with ex is finally closed.

i just dont know what i can do now.. i think im losing the most important person in my life..

TL;DR: i fucked up texting my ex for closing chapter, and now i can lose my real love..

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