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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating edibles and passing out in an airport terminal

Obligatory not today, but actually September 2016... it was my best friend’s birthday and I’d just gotten my first big boy job, so I decided to buy us a trip to Portland, OR for a weekend of drunk & stoned debauchery to celebrate the anniversary of his birthing.

We had a six AM flight out of Los Angeles and the only ride we could get from a friend was at around 11 or 12 the night before. On the way there my best friend produced some fancy marijuana chocolate bars (of the premium and high potency variety) — the both of us ate a half of one or so. Maybe a little more. I don’t know how well informed you are about premium marijuana chocolate, dear reader, but you’re only supposed to have about one fucking Hershey square lest you wish to have your soul forcibly removed from your body by Satan, and then dangled in front of you like a carrot on a string that it feels like you’ll never catch again. Otherwise, maybe you just know how to handle your shit. Idk.

So, we get into the terminal and I find the little kiosk thingy to check in to the flight. I pop my name in that sucker get our boarding passes, and with good timing as I completely forget who I am or how i happened my way into this particular material plane of existence no less that 5 seconds afterwards. Blink. I’m splashing water on my face in the bathroom trying to pep talk myself into remembering who I am, how badass I am... trying to talk my ego out of completely fucking off for the night. Blink. I’m scrolling through Instagram on my phone and nervously eyeballing security cameras in the terminal, absolutely certain that they are somehow scanning my body for its THC content and automatically notifying the SWAT team. Blink. I wake up and there’s a woman who doesn’t speak English asking me for something. After as many caveman grunts, tears and hand gestures I can manage, I offer her my iPhone charger which she happily leaves with, never to return.

And then the kicker: after I manage to coax myself out of a panic attack and try to sleep for a couple of hours before security opens, I wake up with a HOMELESS WOMAN ON TOP OF ME TRYING TO UNZIP MY PANTS. My best friend later said that he saw her climb on me, and try to ostensibly do the do with me, but he couldn’t get himself to say anything because he was so fucking high he’d forgotten how to talk. Thankfully, she wasn’t able to wrestle anything out of any fabric containers before I was able to shove her off of me and move on to another terminal to nap in, but I think I’ll refrain from ever eating massive amounts of edibles in a publicly accessible space again. :)

TL;DR: I ate a shit butt of edibles at an airport and woke up with a homeless woman trying to unzip my pants in the terminal.

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