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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by bringing my Boss a box of cereal instead of a bag of cocaine.

Obligatory this happened a few years ago, and sorry for bad formatting. I’m on mobile.

For backstory: A few years ago, I was a delivery driver and part time manager for a National pizza chain. My boss, Jack, was in the midst of a messy divorce, and missed work every now and then just because he couldn’t deal with the added stress.

On one of Jacks off days, while I was working an evening shift, I got a text from him.

J: “Can u get me golden grams?”

Weird request, maybe it’s a comfort food for him or something.

Me: “yeah. On a delivery right now, but I’ll get them after my next run.”

J: “cool. Let me know when you’re here”

So I finish up my deliveries I was on, head back to the shop, and let the manager on duty know that I had to run an errand for Jack, and that I’d be back. I run to the grocery store up the street from where Jack was staying. (He was living with another employee from the shop, through the divorce.)

Before I went in, I checked my phone to see 3 texts from Jack, and a missed call, all asking how much longer I’d be. Weird. It’s just some cereal, right? Calm down bro.

So I go in, obviously rushed to any watching eye, and pick up a box of Golden Grahams cereal. While I’m checking out, I text Jack letting him know I’d be by in a few minutes.

Again, still looking rushed at a grocery store, in my work uniform, picking up a single box of Golden Grahams cereal, during a busy time of day at a grocery store, I already feel pretty weird. But the weirdest was yet to come.

I get to my coworkers house where Jack was staying, and he’s already waiting outside, looking impatient as fuck, and an unfamiliar woman standing next to him, looking very eager about my arrival. I get out of my car, box of cereal in hand, and the conversation goes something like this:

Jack: “You got what I needed?”

Me: “Yes’sir. Right here.”

I hand him the box of cereal, and for a brief moment, amusement lit up his face. Like he found it funny that I actually brought him a box of fucking cereal at 6:30 in the evening.

Then he looks at me, deadpan.

Jack: “I think there was a bit of a miscommunication.”

Me: “what do you mean?”

Jack: “I meant cocaine.”

Well this little side quest for my boss just went sideways. I was dumbfounded. Sure, I knew where I could get some blow at this time, but I never told anyone that I knew that. Let alone my boss. And now here he is asking me for cocaine. WHAT?

I sputter, and stammer, caught completely off guard with that statement.

Me:”I- I- uh... I had no idea. I’ve never heard anyone refer to it as that... uh... I know a guy just give me a couple-“

Jack: “sigh Don’t worry about it. Just get back to work man.”

Me: “You sure, boss-man? I’m sure it wouldn’t take too long.”

Jack: “Just go on back to work.”

Me: “So do you still want the cereal?”

Jack: “Nah.. not really hungry. Besides, I hate this shit”

So he tosses me my box of Golden Grahams and as I’m walking back to my car, I hear the woman say “Man, what a fucking dunce. My guy just hit me back though.”

So I go back to the shop, kinda traumatized from being an absolute moron, and finish my shift. The next morning, I go to the mall to do some shopping for a friends birthday; and my phone rings. It’s Jack.

Me: “Hey, Jack. What’s going on?”

J: “Hey man, I just wanted to talk to you about last night.”

Me: “What do you mean, I brought you the wrong flavor of cereal, and you changed your mind after I offered to go get you the right one. Nothing really to talk about. Other than I’m kind of a dimwit.”

We shared a chuckle, and continued

J: “I actually want to thank you. You kept me from making a very bad decision, and I appreciate that. You’re a good kid.”

Me: “Well, I’m glad I could help. I know you’re dealing with a lot, and I just figured you wanted some comfort food or something. That’s why I didn’t ask any questions.”

J: “Well, onto the actual reason I called; I’m doing a performance review on you today, and I just wanted to go over how I scored you.”

Me: “oh? Lay into me then. Haha”

J: “Your numbers when running shift are running alongside my assistant managers numbers, and she’s been at this at this for a long time. Your driving metrics are the top of the store, you’ve been doing very well the last few months.”

Me: “Just doing my best, boss.”

J: “well, that being said, I’m going to be giving you a dollar pay raise on your manager hours, and a 50 cent pay increase on your driver hours, along with an extra 25 cents per delivery”

We all know that the raise was hush money, so it wasn’t exactly the worst FU I could make.

Tl;dr, brought my boss the wrong kind of Golden Grahams and got a nice raise because of it.

EDIT: Wowzers! My first reward! At least you didn’t spend that money on Golden Grams. But I would’ve bought Golden Grahams instead. Lmao

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