TIFU by telling my mother I am suicidal because my older brother molested me.

When I was 9, I was molested by my older brother when he was 12.

A few years ago, I told my mother about this but didn’t go into much detail. She brushed it under the rug. I needed her support, but she told me what he did was “sexual exploration” and it’s completely natural.

I trusted what she said, but as I got older I started to have a harder time processing what he did to me. It’s been getting much harder for me, especially recently.

Today I called her crying and telling her about how what my brother did is making me feel suicidal and fucking awful. I told her more specific details of what happened and I told her I am hurting bad. Lately, my suicidal ideations have been getting extremely intense. I almost jumped off the bridge near my house the other day when my thoughts and feelings became too overwhelming.

I told her I am having full body flashbacks for the first time. I was saying how upset I am with my older brother. She didn’t take my side, or even react when I told her about my suicidal thoughts.

She just started defending my older brother. She said he did it because he was adopted at 8 months and that he didn’t “know any better because he was born in an orphanage” and also that he was probably trying to impress his “peer group” and I should feel bad for him because “he’s misunderstood as a bad person, but really has a big heart” the thing is... he always was emotionally and physically abusive growing up, this isn’t the only situation that proves it.

This hurt me so bad. I thought I could trust her to support me during a time like this, especially after confiding her in about something so deeply personal. I really feel like she doesn’t love me after this experience or care that I am struggling with suicidal urges right now. I feel so fucking alone and awful right now. Why did I even open up?

tl;dr my mother keeps telling me why it’s justified that my brother molested me. I feel so alone