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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU eating a kolache at a red light and nearly died

This morning, I was craving an iced latte from a certain donut place, so I got my husbands drink order and went on my way. When I got there, I suddenly realized how hungry I was and did not want anything sweet, so I added a kolache to the order.

As soon as I got my order and pulled out of the drive-thru, I realize I am a huge asshole and did not even ask my husband if he wanted food. I couldn’t rub my kolache in his face. I had to destroy the evidence. I decided had to eat the kolache before I got home.

Now, there is only a couple of miles between the donut place and my house and I was running out of time. I get the mustard open, get a few bites down and suddenly I’m at the last light before I turn on my street so I just go for this massive bite. I don’t know why. The light had just turned red, I had plenty of time, but in my gluttonous shame I shoved the rest of the kolache in my mouth and IT FUCKING LODGED IN MY THROAT. I don’t mean just a little bit. 0 air was getting to my lungs.

I started freaking out. I have never seriously choked before. I am hitting my chest and my arms are flailing and I am hoping the light will stay red because I’m in the font of my lane and there is no way I can drive in that moment.

The door of the car across the very busy intersection opened and I can see the driver looking at me like they are trying to figure out how to get across.

In that moment I regained control of my arms and was able to shove my hand in my throat, which dislodged the kolache and made me puke all over my passenger seat. The light turned green, the other passenger got back in their car and I got my breath back just in time and made it home.

I’m still too embarrassed to tell my husband. I’m not sure I will. I just cant get over what a stupid way to die that would have been! And I still have to go clean out the passenger seat.

TL;DR Don’t eat and drive.

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