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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by trying to use the shower head as a bidet

Well, I just finished cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, showered & now laying in bed.

This is what happened.

I was at the kitchen table and had just finished my 3rd double shot of tequila when I figured I’d go upstairs to get ready for bed and call it a night. I put my phone to charge in the room (my first FU), got my towel and headed to the bathroom to shower. While I was in the bathroom, I got the sudden urge to take a dump. I sat down on the toilet, and halfway squeezing this sucker out, I realize there’s no baby wipes in the bathroom (2nd FU). I feel like I have to wipe for forever to get clean if I don’t use baby wipes, if you haven’t tried it, I would suggest it. Anyway, I wasn’t able to call my wife to bring them to me as my phone was in the room, and I couldn’t yell to my wife downstairs because our 1 year old was asleep. I looked over to the shower and that’s when I got the stupid idea to use the shower head as a bidet.

We have one of those detachable shower heads with a bezel that allows you to choose the flow of water. For some reason there is a setting that just shoots out this unnecessarily, highly pressurized stream of water that seems like it’ll make a hole through your skin and bone if you leave in one spot for long enough. Remember this setting.

So I’m done pooping and lean over with one cheek lifted up off the toilet seat to grab the shower head. For some dumb reason, I didn’t give a courtesy flush (3rd FU) and all the crap was still in the toilet at this point. This is where all my FUs culminate to my ultimate FU. I maneuver the shower head into the toilet bowl, point it straight into my crack and turn the water on. Remember that high pressure setting I was talking about? Well that’s the setting it was left on for some reason. Why? I’m not sure, but it was.

The stream of water shoots out of the shower head at Mach 1 to violate me and tear me a new one. Completely caught off guard, I dropped the shower head into the poopy water and hopped up off the toilet bowl out of instinct to get my rectum out of the danger zone. The shower head was uncontrollably shooting high pressure water into the toilet bowl, causing poo water to fly everywhere in the bathroom. It took me a second to realize what the hell just happened, but the damage was already done by the time I turned the water off. There was water all over the ground, wall and sink. The only thing I could do was sit back down on the toilet in defeat and finish wiping myself. To top it all off, the roll of toilet paper got wet and it was breaking apart each time I would go to wipe.

If you were to take anything away from this, always have your phone with you in the bathroom. You’ll never know when you might need to call for supplies.

TL;DR I used the shower head as a bidet and got poop water all over the bathroom.

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