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TIFU by watching a suicide video not 2 months after an old friend committed suicide

So to give a bit of context, there was this guy I was friends with it because my parents are friends with his. When we were young we used to go on holidays together, have BBQs at each other houses etc. As we got older though, we drifted apart, we both had different personalities and he was always a quiet and shy kid. There was no bad feelings or anything, in fact there was a sort of indifference towards him.

Over the next 5 years or so, I barely saw him, and my mum was always mentioning how much his parents were concerned about him. Never leaving the house, he worked 8 hours a day at home in front of the pc, no friends, no gf/bf (don't know his sexuality). These last 2 years or so, he just got more more introverted is the only way I can describe it.

Anyway fast forward to a month and a half ago and we found out the poor guy shot himself in a hotel room. I'm gonn skip the details but suffice to say, most people were shocked and devastated and I was one of them. Most people, my parents included were more sad for his parents than actually for him. I didn't want to say it but this actually disgusted me. His death had hit me very hard because I could never in my wildest dreams imagine what would bring a poor soul to those actions.

Fast forward to an hour ago, I was browsing the darkest corners of reddit, being the curious, sick fuck that I am and I came across the video of the guy that shot himself with the shotgun live on FB. That pain and shock just came over me like a wave again but I couldn't shake it off for 10 mins ago. I consoled myself by remembering that my friend had used a pistol, not a shotgun and so hadn't been ravaged like in the video. In fact, I had seen my friend's face at the funeral and he looked fine.

TLDR Saw the video of the guy committing suicide by shotgun, rememberd the passing of my old friend.

Ps I know this might be a pointless story but I needed to get this off my chest. My eyes were opened again to the disgusting lack of awareness of mental health where I come from and it just shook me.

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