TIFU by eating too much dairy for dinner and going to a female friend’s house

Obligatory, this all happened last night and I’m still playing over the events in my head.

I have a slight lactose sensitivity, some times it’s gas or sometimes it’s mild diarrhea, usually not too severe if symptoms present at all.

Anyway, I had a fairly normal dinner of chicken, cheesy potatoes, and some salad. Decided to get some extra potatoes. While I was eating I was talking to a female friend who I’ve known for a few years. I think there’s been some interest between us, but we’ve never really been single at the same time to explore anything. She just moved into a new house and was saying how she wants to watch TV, but her dad is out of town so he hasn’t been able to do it and she’s having problems with getting her internet working properly. I, being handy and tech savvy offer to come over and help do that. I load up some tools and head over.

I hang the tv, get the router setup, even bring some extra cables to make sure everything gets cabled up nice and neat. In the process, I have some gas, but it’s mild and the windows are open and she’s in the other room opening a bottle of wine so it goes unnoticed.

I sit down to check the viewing angle of the tv, make sure everything looks good and she sits down next to me. We talk for a bit as she gets through a few glasses of wine. Next thing I know we are making out. That’s when I start to feel tummy grumblings. The bad kind.

Right as that happens her friend calls her. She answers it, and normally I would be upset, but this time I feel relieved as I have some time to strategize about how I’m going to get out of this. She goes to the other room on the phone so I step by the window to try to let out some more gas, but it’s not working.

She’s comes back in smiling and asks if I mind if she brings her friend over. I say of course, because if this works out this could be a great night. She says “okay, she’s down the street do you mind staying her with the dog while I walk her back?” perfect.

She leaves and I know I have been given a golden opportunity and can’t waste any precious time. I’m immediately on the toilet as soon as the door closes. I’m trying to make sure I don’t need to come back to finish the job. The only problem, the smell. And it’s a small house with only one bathroom. I look febreeze, can’t find any. Candles? Nowhere to be found. What kind of woman doesn’t have candles?? Time is running out and all I can find is some body spray. Not working. I run the shower and close the door trying to steam it out, but I don’t want her to come back with me running the shower like a weirdo. I give it some time and turn the fan on but it’s not working. I decide maybe the best plan is to let it air out and try to stall if anyone heads that way. Not sure why this one is particularly lingering. Maybe nobody will go in there for a while.

She gets back with her friend. She’s cute too. They open another bottle of wine and ask if I want to join them in the bedroom. I of course oblige. We’re all a little tipsy now and making out. Clothes are coming off. The friend says she has to run to the bathroom. I panic, but it’s been almost an hour since I went, it can’t still smell I hope and pray.

As soon as she walks in I hear her gag. She proceeds to throw up. My friend gets up and goes “oh no, she must’ve drank too much”. She goes in to help her friend. The vomit smell must’ve covered the poop smell because she didn’t say anything when she walked in.

She helped get her cleaned up and put her in bed. And that was my cue to go since it seemed like mood for everyone was dead at that point.

TL;DR Ate too much dairy for dinner. Went to help a cute friend. She starts making out with me and goes to pick up her friend to join us. While they’re gone I have bad diarrhea and can’t do anything to get rid of the smell before they get back. While we are in the process of making out again her friend goes to the bathroom and proceeds to throw up which ruins the moment.