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TIFU by holding a baby

This happened a couple days ago.

So, my gf agreed to help some friends out by being the respite for their 3 week old baby boy from the foster system while they took a short vacation. He's a baby whose mom was on meth. I agreed to help by house sitting for them, feed the dogs, etc. I've done this before so all's fine and dandy.

Well, it's all working out until a few days ago when my gf comes over to the house and has the baby boy. I've always been standoff-ish about babies. Especially newborns. They're whiny, so fragile, and so I'm kinda intimidated by them, to be honest.

My gf had a lot going on that night, and so I offer to help anyway I can. She says, "Well, if you could feed ______ (the baby), that would help a lot!" So, she shows me how to bottle feed him, burp him, and use the binky/passy, etc. Even how to hold him - I really don't know anything.

Fast-forward a couple days later. Since then, I've been holding him and feeding him generally once a day or more. When he cries, I can't think of anything but him. When he smiles for the split-second, baby smile, my heart melts. To see his body shake from (possibly) the meth effects on his fragile system... I could freakin' cry rn. (I'm actually tearing up while writing this)

I honestly can't shake the feeling that my life up to this point has been selfish, and worthless. That there are little, living beings out there who didn't ask for a hard life, but have been given one. And, I'm doing nothing about it. I don't even have a full-time job right now either.

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TL;DR - TIFU by holding a baby, and it has led me to question my very meaning of existence, and what I have been doing my whole life

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