TIFU by not realizing my best friend (F) of 10 years had feelings for me

So this happened Valentine's day last year, and now that I think about it, I am such a dumbass for not picking up on the hints I should have known about for months before this happened. Here comes the story about how my inability to pick up hints might be the biggest fuck up I ever had of my life so far.

So for keeping identities safe I will be referring to her as Sarah for this story. I'll also give a little backstory real quick. Met her back when were 11 and shared the same schools all the way to community college. We went through a lot together, from losing a close friend to cancer, me nearly dying from an ulcer, and other things. We were close and often we were teased by both friends and family that we are acting like a couple. I always brushed those things to the side since I always focused on school and family first before things I considered to be distractions at the time.

So a few months before the event happened Sarah got a boyfriend and she introduced to me to him. This was her 3rd boyfriend since we started college and I was always cool with them and never had any real issues with them as long they don't break her heart. So, about a month into their relationship Sarah started asking me for advice about what clothes her boyfriend would like and started sending me pics in risqué poses, but never thought much of it. I just gave my opinions and later deleted the pics she sent me since I didn't want those type of pics to be on my phone. I only seen her as my sister and thought it was weird to have those pics because she has a boyfriend and knows I'm not gay so I was confused about it as she never done that before. I just thought I was doing her a favor.

More months go by and she continues doing the whole sending me pics thing, even after I told her that wouldn't her boyfriend get mad for sending pics to me, but she continued doing it anyway. Fast forward to Valentine's day and the day started off like any normal day for me talking to her for a bit before going to our classes. Shortly after my classes were over, I received a call from her and Sarah said, "Meet me at the lake right now, I have something to say to you." Note: There's a lake at our campus so it was walking distance. I found it strange as why would she want to see my today when she has a boyfriend and shouldn't she be spending her free time today with him. I made it to the spot we used to go for our lunch break with our friends and there she was waiting for me. Welp, here comes the fuck up everyone.

I asked her, why did she want to see me today and Sarah told me to sit next to her, so I did that. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend yesterday and she didn't want to tell me until now. I knew something was off as she was usually sad after a break up and for some reason today she wasn't. She seemed relieved and that made me confused like why was she so off today and that's when she handed me something. It was a box of chocolates, and right as I was trying to open the box she leaned in and kissed my cheek. I jumped up and dropped the box of chocolates trying to process what the Hell was going on. I can be dramatic so I did the whole crossing my arms into the shape of a T and saying timeout to her. I told her what's the meaning of this and she responding by saying I like you.

I was even more shocked like what the fuck is going on even putting my arms out like the hold up meme. I asked if she was playing a joke on me and she said no. Still trying to figure out what the fuck is happening I asked Sarah if she was sure that she wasn't joking and she seemed upset at me for not believing her. She then got up and told me bluntly that she had been in love with me for years and was tired of denying it. I am still very much stunned about what's happening and thought shit like that only happens in movies and TV shows. Well how I responded to next thing she says will cause facepalms and yells equivalent to reactions from watching a similar moment in a TV show so here it goes.

She asks me if I see her as a women and I told her I don't see her as a woman, but as my sister. That didn't go well as she started crying and proceeds to kicks my jewels, she was a former soccer player so that shit fucking hurt, it makes me squirm just thinking about it. She yelled at me saying I cared more about my grades at school than I did about her and Sarah even said she should have kept it to herself instead of confessing. She told me I was denser than a black hole then run off crying. I would have ran after her, but my jewels were in so much pain it felt way more painful than when I almost died so moving was a no go at the time.

Over a month would pass and she would still be pretty pissed off at me for obvious reasons. I have seen her pissed off before, but it was not a good thing to be on the other side of it. A week before the ahem 2 week lockdown, she told me that we can't go back to how things were as her feelings for me can't just go away. The lockdown happened and we fell farther and farther apart. We don't even chat anymore like we used to, we only text on holidays and birthdays. She won't even respond or even read the messages if it's not on those days. She transferred to a University across the country and I'm probably never going to see her again until our high school reunion in 2027. And the saying that you don't realize what you had until it's gone very much applies me, so fuck me I miss my best friend.

TLDR: Didn't realize my best friend of 10 years had feelings for me and how I responded to her confession fucked up both chances of us staying as friends and any possible relationship for the foreseeable future. No happy ending.