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TIFU by taking a poo in the woods

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I love spending time outside. Wild camping, woodland walks, hiking, you name it and I love it.

Yesterday, I took my partner on a surprise woodland walk where you had a to find a secret blue door off the side of the road. The door leads to picturesque woodlands along a river that is very popular in the area. People bring their dogs and their children to enjoy the scenery, so while it isn't the busiest spot it is still certainly well-travelled.

My partner is more into the rapids below than the woodland above, so he climbed down to a pool on the river. I'm learning about mycology so I spent a lot of time on the walk in under the trees searching for mushrooms to identify.

It's at this point, friends, that my IBS decides it's time to kick in. My insides drop into my butthole and the urgency to relieve myself becomes so intense that I have to stand still for a minute or two. Once the feeling passes, I wander deeper into the woods trying to find a place where I won't be discovered by some poor hiker and their children, midsquat over a hole in the ground.

This takes longer than finding a toilet. Plus, I still have to dig myself a hole. I have spent a significant amount of time travelling over the years, so when the urge strikes me to go I have no qualms about going when and wherever I need to. Especially since the IBS makes it so that when I have to go, I actually have to go.

So I find my spot well off the path, obscured by an oak tree and its branches as well as some larger ferns. I am still fairly close to the paths where people are walking, I can hear their footsteps but I'm confident no one can see me.

The urge to go at this point is so overwhelming and I desperately don't want to be discovered so I very quickly pull my pants down and drop down over the hole I've kicked into the soft dirt with my boot. Those of you who have experienced intense stomach cramping due to having to poop will know the immense relief that comes with... Well, relieving yourself. I immediately felt better.

Now, I had resigned myself to using notebook paper to wipe in order to spare my clothes (I have decided to always carry tp with me from now on), so after tearing out a couple pages and turning around to do the deed... To my absolute horror I realise that in my haste to poo, my phone had fallen out of my back pocket and into the hole.

Friends, I had taken a shit on my phone. Right there. In a hole in the woods with families enjoying the gorgeous weather and sights, playing with their dogs, living their lives. There I was, bare ass hanging over a hole in the woods and shit on my phone.

I wiped it clean with some leaves, wandered down to the water and gingerly used washed it as best I could. When I found my partner he was none the wiser. When we got back to the car, I used sanitising wipes on every last bit of my phone and hands.

And that's the story of how I fucked up and took shit on my phone yesterday.

TL;DR: I went for a walk in the woods, had an IBS attack and my phone fell out of my pocket into the hole I dug before I pooped. Thereby taking a dump on my phone in the woods.

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