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TIFU by thinking my wife is a burglar

I (m29) don’t function well when I wake up startled. The first few moments are always very hazy, and that’s not great for actual emergencies like a fire for example. It also doesn’t help that I have two kids, a two year old and 5 year old, that are horrendous sleepers. We have tried everything but now it’s got to the point we realised that we will be sleep deprived until the end of time.

The boss (f26) goes to her CrossFit classes early and then straight to work, so if I’m not up before 5am I don’t see her till I get back home after work at night. And it’s been the routine for a while now, and usually work it out that it’s her walking around the house. The kids are also used to it to cos they never stir.

But today, for some reason, it just didn’t click. I stirred, I heard the footsteps, and I reached over to the other side of the bed to see if it was chief, and SHE WAS IN THE BED STILL oh god red alert we have an adult in the house that isn’t one of us!

I sprang out of bed and started running, as fast as I could in the 4 meters from bed to doorway, and didn’t aim right and thumped straight into the door way. THUMP! Thudded my ass on the floor so damn hard it made exhale “whoooooo” from shock. I fell on my back, and looked up and holy cholula the robber is standing right there. I’m still in a haze from waking up, my shoulder is now on fire from running into the damn door and my ass is hanging out cos the carpet caught my pants and pulled them down.

What did I do? I used my big boy voice (my voice travels at the best of times so I know it’s loud):

“I’LL… I’LL, FUCKEN FUCK YA!!!”

That, it seems, is my reaction to theft. At this point, the admiral turned on the lights, she was fully dressed and ready to go to work, staring at me with the biggest WTF face. She hadn’t been in bed. The covers had just rolled up just right to be human width and firm enough to the touch. It was her walking around.

Now my two year old knows a new word, and the five year old knows a new phrase.

TL:DR, I shouted at my wife in the middle of the night thinking it was a thief, I hurt myself and taught the kids some swear words.

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