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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by having buttsex with my ex-gf. Then I FU again by making a joke after.

Ok, ok. So she wasn't my ex at the time. This happened many moons ago.

Butt-stuff was not uncommon in our relationship. In fact, once she discovered her love for backdoor romance, she almost never came until she had something in her butt.

One day we were getting into it and decided to go for some full-on buttsex. Not the first time, but our assplay was usually fingers or a small toy.

So there I am gently doing the thing. She's face down and playing with her hoo-ha. She reaches her promised land and I'm ready to reach mine. I finish inside her and collapse on top of her. It was romantic and sexy. Just two sweaty lovers in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. I'm still buried to the hilt. I start losing wood and know it's time to slide out and clean up.

I gently pull my member out and realize that I've got poopdick. No.. not just a little smear of poo on my wang, but actual poop caked into my pubes and on my dong. We panic. She's a mess, both figuratively and literally. We grab whatever textiles we could find to wipe the majority off and head to the shower. She tells me, "we will never speak of this again". I agreed.

So we finish up the shower and head into our room to watch a movie. She's clearly traumatized. I, somehow, seem to care way less than I should. So I try to lighten the mood with a joke.

"Well, I really fucked the shit out of you, huh?"

Anyways, that was the last time I got full-on buttsex from her.

TL;DR Fucked my ex in the butt and got covered in poop then made a really bad joke in an attempt to ease the trauma we'd just been through.

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