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TIFU by reading my (now) ex-gf's diary

Hello everyone, I fucked up big time today and I feel like shit.

I was dating this girl for a year, when she suddenly cheated on me with a friend ("just a kiss"). She begged me to take her back as it didn't mean anything to her, while the guy was still living in the same student dorm. I accepted her and took her back, then we broke up again because she just realized she didn't love me or something. We still got back together a couple weeks later. So the past 3 weeks have been working out stuff for us, I still had some bad moments with trust but was ok. When I was at her place today I found her diary on the night stand.

So I looked inside and found out that even before she cheated, she wrote a lot of times (over the course of 2 months) she loved me in her "own way" or also as a friend? And she fell in love with this guy. And even before they kissed she wrote about how she would love that to happen and how much she can only think of him. After we broke up theres 2 weeks of her writing about missing him and me (more him), and saying herself shes ok with loving us both.

So I told her and she went all about how she didnt mean anything she wrote, those were just random thoughts and nothing she really feels or desires. We broke up 2 days ago and I feel like shit, like I'm not any better than her for breaching her privacy or snooping around. I'm sad about losing a close person, a "friend", but I feel like it's good this relationship is over. But I feel so bad knowing that now she hates me for doing that and I always thought that I would be a better person than her. Like I knew it was wrong to do it but I did it anyways, just as she did when she cheated on me.

And also, when we talked about it, she kept saying that she didn't mean a single word she wrote in there. That she felt nothing when she cheated on me and afterwards realized she didn't feel anything about him. She was so confident, I feel like I have to believe it. But then again, why would she continue writing about him if she felt nothing? Who would write out fantasies long after they happened?

TL;DR. Read my girlfriends diary, found out that she may been lying to me for a long time, had to break up with her and hate myself for being a shitbag like her.

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