TIFU by giving my wife a "cute" pet name

My wife and I have been married for quite a long time, and over the years, one of our favorite games is to give each other nicknames.

Most times these are short lived jokes, such as our “lucha libre” phase where I was her beloved “El Asso Wipo” and she was my darling “Senorita Bag of Crap.” Others, such as the time we mocked another couple calling each other “buddy,” resulted in a multi-year habit that took a concerted effort to finally stop. We still slip up and call each other “buddy” from time to time, but that is a fuck up not nearly as bad as my latest.

The stupid names are cute, silly, fun, and we still do it. Most of these new pet names don’t last a week or two, and I’m always on the lookout for a new one.

Thus, the seeds of my fuck-up were planted.

I heard what I thought was a cute-sounding expression in passing. I made a note of it and planned to bestow this new title on her at first opportunity.

I really should have been paying closer attention. Or at least spent 30 seconds on fucking Google before I opened my mouth.

Fast forward to the evening. I got home from work, and my lovely bride and I headed off to the store to grab some groceries and other such sundries from the local market.

We were about halfway through our shopping trip when she asked “do we need bread?”

This was my chance! The new name was cute as hell, and stupid as fuck, so I was confident that she would start laughing at how silly it was.

“No we do not, my Lil' Moose Knuckle.”

At this point in the story, the people that know what the slang term “Moose Knuckle” is referring to know EXACTLY how bad I just fucked up.

Those of you that do not, well, it is not good. I thought of “Moose Knuckles” like a moose’s knobby knees. I think of a moose’s legs and I am, frankly, amused. Moose knees are funny, but they are NOT knuckles.

This is not helped by the fact that my beloved wife is a huge RuPaul Drag Race Fan.

My wife stopped dead in her tracks, and with a tone of voice that would make an undertaker shiver with fright, said simply “What did you say?”

“Uh, no. Don’t need bread!”

My attempt at deflection was futile. I could tell that I was truly, completely, and absolutely fucked, but I really did not know why.

“No, what the fuck did you just call me?”

This is a sentence that no married man needs to hear. I grasp to hope, thinking she may have heard something else, and said the dumbest fucking thing I have ever said (and this is a pretty long and distinguished list.)

“Lil’ Moose Knuckle???”

I am 6’ tall, a former Marine and used to be a Fire Fighter. My lovely wife is 5’4”. I feared for my life in that moment. This tiny handful of red-headed fury stormed up and began demanding in a very animated fashion that I explain why I called her a “Moose Knuckle.”

“I thought it sounded cute...” I stammered.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT A MOOSE KNUCKLE IS?”

“Well,” I said, trying not to show fear, “I guess I do not. I was imaging Moose knees and those are…”

“IT ISN’T THEIR KNEES!” Then she gave me the urban dictionary / drag race version of the meaning as another shopper was snort-laughing at me from a small distance away.

“Oh, so not the cute version? I meant the cute version.”

She sighed, looked up at me with an almost sad face and said, “you are so dumb. But there is no cute version. You screwed up.” She shook her head. “Dear god, you are so fucking dumb.”

Yeah, I’m dumb. But at least I’m alive. For now.

TL;DR: Heard an expression in town I thought was cute. Ended up calling my wife my "Lil' Moose Knuckle."