TIFU by using the restroom in a vacant home

Sometimes my life feels like a Seinfeld episode.

I work in the pest control industry and since I'm out and about all day long finding a public restroom can be challenging at times.

Earlier this morning, I get a call from a property manager that I've been working with for several years. He claims he has a vacant home that just needs a quick inside and outside treatment for ants. Nobody is at the house and he gave me the code for the lockbox. This is a quick and easy job and he said I can go at any time I want.

As any red blooded American knows, we can all get a free Doritos locos Taco at Taco Bell since a base was stolen at the world series recently. I wasn't going to let this deal of a lifetime slip through my grasp so I figured today was as good a day as any. Not too long after lunch I start feeling the disturbance in the force. I decide this is an ideal time to go to that vacant home and not only perform an easy treatment but also use the restroom while I'm there.

Sometimes these vacant properties have the water shut off but sometimes you get lucky and the water is still on. As soon as I arrive to the property I check the outdoor tap and water immediately starts coming out. I get excited knowing that this is my time. I checked my truck for some handy dandy paper towels but much my disappointment I didn't have any. So I reached into my old Taco Bell bag and grabbed the extra napkins which thankfully they gave me a lot. I hastily went indoors and went immediately to the nearest restroom. What came out of me is hard to describe. I will not go into details but just know this was a 1%er. I flushed the toilet first to make sure there was water and everything went down smooth. So I decided to do my business. I used the Taco Bell napkins and went to flush the toilet and nothing happened. I then went to the sink right next to it to test for water and a little bit came out and then it quickly stopped.

I started to panic knowing I couldn't leave this toilet the way it is. I've been in this industry for many years so one thing I always have is an endless supply of one gallon freezer bags for rodent removals. I figured I could fill up some bags with water and force this thing to flush. I'm not sure if this is going to be a one flusher so I grabbed three individual gallon bags from the truck. I sneak over onto the neighbor's property and fill up all three of these bags with their water from their garden hose. At this point, my anus starts to burn with a fiery rage I've never felt before. Come to find out those napkins I grabbed had traces of fire sauce on them. The panic intensifies. I then go into the home and back into the bathroom at the scene of the crime. I get down on my knees and start to open the water bags while I'm face to face with the monstrosity that just came out of me. My ass is on fire and I'm sweating heavily. As I'm about to pour in the water into the bowl of the toilet in an attempt to flush it I hear from the front door area of the house, "Helloooo!?"

This startled me and I dropped the bag, spilling it all over the bathroom floor. The water soaks my pants. I quickly leave the restroom to meet the person and find out that it's the property manager that called me earlier this morning. He sees that I'm covered in water from the knees down and he looks very confused.

Since I'm backed into a corner, I decide to channel my inner George Costanza and try to lie my way out of this situation. "My sprayer had a malfunction and it got all over my pants". This seemed to work.

Just as I think I've dodged a bullet he says he wanted to show me the area the ants were spotted in the bathroom. I couldn't let this happen. The toilet, the bags, the water all over the floor, the smell! "That's where my sprayer malfunctioned! There's product spilled everywhere and the smell is strong!" It's not entirely a lie... I certainly sprayed everywhere and 'my product' certainly stinks to high hell in there. He looks confused again and now a bit concerned.

Thankfully he took my advice and said I could get back to work. After I watched him drive off I used the bags of water to flush that evil down, used an old shirt to soak up the water and then did the service.

Tl;dr Took a shit in a vacant home with no water, chaos ensued.