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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating too many grapes with blue cheese

So it was 4AM, casually chilling in my room, watching netflix and eating grapes with blue cheese. I ate like half a kilo of grapes and a whole 100g brick of blue cheese.

All of a sudden I get this really bad stomach ache, I pull my knees close to the chest behind the computer to ease the pain a little and let some gas out, seems to be working for a minute. Then the pain gets even worse and I proceed to go lay down on the bed, tucked in again for a few minutes until the pain gets to the point I can't even really move my legs anymore. I pull myself together and go to the toilet.

As I sit on the toilet really in pain, crawled up and just trying to squeeze something out. All I get is a few pathetic farts. I'm sitting there, now the pain is so bad that I'm sweaty af, remove my hoodie and throw it on the ground, my ears are ringing so loud that I can't hear anything else above it. I'm thinking that maybe I have to call the ambulance since the pain was so powerful. I try to sit upright and that's when I fucked up. As soon as I sit upright, I pass out. I regain conciousness (few minutes? honestly don't know for how long I was out) later, confused as fuck, hearing the water flow, and my feet are fully underwater on the floor. After 20-30 seconds I really get conscious again to the point I can understand what's going on and realize what had just happened. As I sat upright, I had passed out and fallen backwards so I broke the toilet bowl's water reservoir. Also managed somehow to break a drywall board behind the bowl. I had also a deep cut in the forearm with the broken edge of the bowl, missing the vein by literally a millimeter. Luckily I live with my mom so I got up and woke her up asking if she can come help. While behind her room door, I feel now that I'm literally starting to shit myself. Thinking what the fuck to do since I just broke the toilet bowl, I run to bathroom and into the bath. I literally shit for 10-15minutes straight pure diarrhea into the bath, like all the grapes and blue cheese that I had eaten 20-30minutes before all came out, flushed the system fully clean. After that luckily everything was fine with me again. We cleaned up the mess the mess together and went back to sleep. Now I have a mission of fitting a new toilet bowl.

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TL;DR - Ate half a kilo of grapes with whole brick of blue cheese, got the most painful stomach ache of my life, went to toilet, blacked out due to pain, broke my toilet bowl and almost slit my vein during the proccess, almost shit myself full and then proceeded to shit my whole bathtub full.

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