TIFU by implying to my small town that my brother likes butt stuff.

This did just happen this morning. To set the scene, my family lives in a pretty small, very conservative town. My older brother (and my family by extension) is pretty widely known because he’s a drug addict and is always getting into trouble, and my dad is always bailing him out. He’s finally decided to seek help and has gone to rehab. He contacted me yesterday asking for a carton of cigarettes. Per the rehab facility’s rules, I can’t drop things off for him, he has to receive them by mail.

So yesterday I bought him a carton of the cigarettes he wanted. I checked the usps, ups, and fedex websites last night to see which would have it there the fastest for a reasonable price. UPS is able to get the package to him Tuesday night if I ship it this morning. Perfect, there’s a UPS on my route to work the next town over.

So this morning I stop at the UPS on the way to work with my carton of cigarettes. I grabbed a large padded envelope and headed to the counter to ship my carton. The guy behind the counter saw the carton and told me his location doesn’t have a tobacco license so they can’t ship the carton. But the guy at the counter told me, had the carton of cigarettes already been in the envelope, they wouldn’t have know what was in it, and they would have been able to ship it.

So I purchased the large envelope, went to my car, and stuffed the carton in there. The next closest UPS was back in my home town, but the opposite direction from my work (which is why I didn’t originally go there). I really wanted the package to reach him by tomorrow so I headed that way immediately. I entered the store and waited in line. It’s pretty busy, I guess because the holiday season. It’s finally my turn so I give the lady my envelope and tell her I’m sending it to my brother, gave her the name and address. She asked if it’s residential or business. I told her I’m not sure what it counts as, since it’s a rehab facility and my brother is living there temporarily. She picks “business” and proceeds. Everything is going smoothly and I think I’m going to get away with it when the lady then asks “and what are you mailing today?”

The envelope clearly has a long skinny box. My brain kind of goes blank for a second and I say “uhhhh… it’s a dildo.”

The lady at the counter starts laughing, the lady at the next counter starts laughing, the customer at the next counter starts laughing, and the next three customers in line start laughing. Then the customer at the counter next to me, some old lady, says “I guess it gets lonely in rehab!” I kinda half chuckle, pay quickly, and leave.

In the parking lot I send my brother the tracking number and tell him to avoid the local ups because I told them he likes butt stuff.

TLDR: Tried to send my brother smokes, but the ups by my job wouldn’t take them, so I went to the UPS by my house and told them I’m sending my brother a dildo because he’s lonely in rehab.