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TIFU by telling hundreds of customers how horny I am.

I always hate on TIFU posts because they so rarely happened “today.” But then I realized I have a great one that happened years ago, so I get it now.

Aaanyway I used to work for Safeway. For those who may not know it is a massive supermarket/grocery chain on the US West Coast.

Being in Northern California we have a robust and amazing Mexican population. Great people the lot. Also being in California it can get pretty hot in the 104-108 F range at the peak of summer.

Now I am a mayonnaise-white, ranch dipping, polo wearing cracker. I had this one Mexican coworker named Jesus. Great dude, funny, obsessed with women, and loved to fuck with me but not ALL the time. Usually just cool.

I was lower management and had a LOT of Spanish-speaking customers and a lot of Spanish speaking staff. I wanted to learn some Spanish and was picking up job-related terms here and there; bolsa, ayuda, javes and such. It allowed me to try to converse with my customers and staff better and learn along the way; everybody wins.

So this one EXTREMELY hot day I asked Jesus how to say I was really hot to customers; bullshit weather talk, good stuff.

Jesus tells me oh you say “yo soy muy caliente!”

So ok, we’re at work I took him at his word and used it ALL DAY with my Spanish speaking customers.

So people are acting pretty weird as they are coming through my line for much of the day, and eventually this woman comes through and like so many before her I say “hola! Su tarjeta? Como esta?” (Can I have your club card? How are you?)

She smiles”bien e tu?” (Good and you?)

Now this is the 100th or so customer I had had this conversation that day, but this woman, this ANGEL of a woman. I say “yo soy MUY caliente!” While sort of puffing my collar and fanning my face with my hand. She starts laughing so hard that she almost can’t talk, and she asks me (in english) “Do you know what that means?” And I am like “yeah it means I am really hot..” as I am handing her her receipt.

So she leans in real close, grabs her receipt and whispers “It means I am very horny.” Then grabs her bag and walks off.

I turn BRIGHT red, then turn around and Jesus is in the checkstand behind me laughing his ASS off; crying tears leaning on his register. Turns out he had been sitting there all day having the time of his goddamn life watching me tell all of our customers how horny I was. I gave up on my Spanish…

TL;DR My coworker told me how to say “I am hot” in Spanish but what he told me actually meant “I am very horny” so I spent the day telling customers I was horny.

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