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TIFU by giving a mouse a magic mushroom

The whole saga started in my home town on a warmer day in late December. With everyone coming home for the holidays, we decided it would be the perfect opportunity to link up and trip on some magic mushrooms. Unfortunately all I was able to find was some psilocybin chocolate bars, Multiverse Milkchocolates. After a nice trip with the homies, I stored the leftover chocolate in my car’s glovebox.

Fast forward a few days. I’m driving, looking in my rear view mirror and see a brown ball dash across the corner of my eye. Upon realizing that it was in fact inside my car, I start screaming like a some sort of alarm. Oh my god there’s a mouse in my car! I pull over as soon as humanly possible and jump out of my car. After timidly checking all the visible areas it could hide, I call up my friend Jack for advice. After a few laughs and teasing me for being scared of a tiny mouse, he recommends using peppermint oil in an effort to deter it. Damn, no immediate solution. So I get some coffee and breakfast then search my car for clues to where he is. Fuck that bastard shit on my masks! There’s poop in trunk, turds on my battery! How in the hell did he get in the glove box? Oh my god he ate some of the chocolate!

I head back to my parents house laughing my ass off with the thought of a field mouse having an ego death inside my Kia. I decide to blast music as loud as I can and drive slowly through a neighborhood in an effort to scare the fucker out. I got what I hoped for, a mouse dashing through my peripherals into the passenger seat. Another round of screaming and I quickly pull over. As I’m slamming doors and ripping through my car, a lady with her dog walks by. I explain my conundrum and she jokingly asks her dog if it wants to catch a mouse. I looked her dead in the eyes and said “if you’re willing I would want nothing more than for your dog to search my car”. 30 seconds of a wagging tail and muddy footprints on my seat later, no mouse was found. Where is that fucker hiding??

I get back and douse a bunch of cotton balls in peppermint oil. Damn my car smells good. A night goes by soaking my car with the scent supposed to deter mice, but new poop still appears in the morning. I spend the whole day trying to make my car as uncomfortable as possible, Plan A is to get the mouse to leave on it’s own free will. I honk my horn, blast all kinds of music, set portable lights in every dark crevice, bang around my car and leave the trunk and hood open to the elements. My mom suggests poisoning it or kill traps but I can’t kill a mouse that has shared my shroom consciousness.

Sick of all the bullshit and realizing it’s just a mouse, I decide to drive to Canton to see my cousin Nate. As I’m getting close to Nate’s house the bastard makes another appearance out of the back seat. He’s getting ballsier by the minute. Leaving my cousins house I get ready to drive to my house in Columbus but it’s rainy and dark. 10 minutes into the drive he pops out for a long period of time and even stares me straight in the eyes. I plead with him to leave me alone and decide I can’t drive like this any longer. So I decide spend the night in Canton and to my surprise there’s no new poop in the morning. A full two hour drive to Columbus and no mouse in sight. Things are looking up!

Unfortunately this peace doesn’t last. As the next morning, poop is sitting on the driver seat. I need a new strategy. Time for Plan B, forcibly capturing this mouse and taking it away from my car. I ask my neighbor if they have a bucket and they lend me a large plastic bin, so I put some nuts in it and tape a ramp onto it. I also get a pre made trap and put it in my trunk as backup. Though when I check out the bin every single nut was gone. It is now a battle of intelligence between me and the mouse I decide to nickname “Brain”. Alright a bigger container it is. I head to the local Ace hardware to grab a bucket and another premade trap for good measure. He got out of this one too. I’m basically feeding him at this point. With my last hope I decide to get a huge 5 gallon bucket and craft a makeshift plank drop. There is no way Brain could escape this.

But this mouse is no ordinary mouse. This mouse has reached a new level of consciousness, it has seen the light and experienced the oneness of everything. This mouse has taken the human equivalent of an ounce of mushrooms. Brain truly is a super mouse.

This fucker cleaned out that huge 5 gallon bucket and even left a me a few turds in the bottom. It was funny before but I’m having it no longer. I brainstormed a bit and decided that oil in the bottom of the bucket is the necessary next step in the evolution of my trap. Hopefully, it would make this super mouse too slippery to climb and too heavy to jump out. With my newly improved trap set, all that was left was to wait. An anxious hour later I open my car to see oil splashing everywhere. I did it! I finally outsmarted this fucking field mouse! I took the oily bastard to Tuttle park and drove away as fast as I could. Here’s to starting 2022 completely rodent free and thanking god I didn’t have to resort to plan C

TL;DR I left some psychedelic chocolates in my car, which attracted a mouse. The Mouse eats an unholy amount of the chocolate and decides to start living in my car. After a week of being terrorized, my 5th attempt to catch the bastard works and I set the overly intelligent mouse free.

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