Skip to main content

TIFU by eating sugar free Peppermint Patties

I love Peppermint Patties. I always have.
My doctor told me to lose weight. I'm old, I'm fat, I'm borderline diabetic, etc.
My wife feels my pain since I'm always bitching how life is sort of crappy without being able to indulge in my favorite foods.
To be nice she purchased me a bag of mini, sugar free peppermint patties.
I was reluctant at first, but last night I ate one. Then another. The bag had about 7. I ate them all.
They were pretty good.
I went to bed.
Flash to 1:30am.
I awakened in a cold sweat with my intestines cramping like a boa constrictor and emitting sounds like a car engine trying to turn over on a wintry day in Michigan.
I barely made it to the hopper.
The liquid feces that exploded from my anus sounded like a water fall splashing in the toilet water. Never has my poop been so liquified.
I sat weak and shaking as every meal I had consumed in the past 7 days exited my body at an electrifying velocity.
An hour later, I stood under the shower, trembling and terrified at what was obviously some sort of light threatening event. I cleaned myself in prep for my trip to the hospital, while contemplating how I was going to have to wake my wife up and tell her that I was dying.
We've had a lot of good years.
I don't know where the sudden flash of recognition came from, maybe it was thinking of my kind wife and how she even bought me sugar free candy because I was miserable...but before waking her to share the news that I was dying, I decided to google 'sugar free peppermint patties diarrhea".
Well.
Apparently one or two is okay, but if you eat more than that, one of the side effects is liquid poop.
I quietly shut my phone, dried off, and went back to bed.
This morning I feel like nothing happened, and I'm 5lbs. lighter.
TLDR: Sugar free candy makes you poop.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more