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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating sugar free Peppermint Patties

I love Peppermint Patties. I always have.
My doctor told me to lose weight. I'm old, I'm fat, I'm borderline diabetic, etc.
My wife feels my pain since I'm always bitching how life is sort of crappy without being able to indulge in my favorite foods.
To be nice she purchased me a bag of mini, sugar free peppermint patties.
I was reluctant at first, but last night I ate one. Then another. The bag had about 7. I ate them all.
They were pretty good.
I went to bed.
Flash to 1:30am.
I awakened in a cold sweat with my intestines cramping like a boa constrictor and emitting sounds like a car engine trying to turn over on a wintry day in Michigan.
I barely made it to the hopper.
The liquid feces that exploded from my anus sounded like a water fall splashing in the toilet water. Never has my poop been so liquified.
I sat weak and shaking as every meal I had consumed in the past 7 days exited my body at an electrifying velocity.
An hour later, I stood under the shower, trembling and terrified at what was obviously some sort of light threatening event. I cleaned myself in prep for my trip to the hospital, while contemplating how I was going to have to wake my wife up and tell her that I was dying.
We've had a lot of good years.
I don't know where the sudden flash of recognition came from, maybe it was thinking of my kind wife and how she even bought me sugar free candy because I was miserable...but before waking her to share the news that I was dying, I decided to google 'sugar free peppermint patties diarrhea".
Well.
Apparently one or two is okay, but if you eat more than that, one of the side effects is liquid poop.
I quietly shut my phone, dried off, and went back to bed.
This morning I feel like nothing happened, and I'm 5lbs. lighter.
TLDR: Sugar free candy makes you poop.

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