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TIFU by sleeping with a ‘normal’ tinder guy

No honorary “this happened a few weeks ago,” I am sitting in a cafe parking lot trying to figure out what the fuck just happened last night.

Background information: I downloaded Tinder to give men another go. Maybe if I adjust my age range and find someone a little older than me, I’ll find someone who’s better than average to mattress mambo with.

Here’s where “Kyle” comes into play. We’ve been talking for a week. East coast transplant, Country-ish, truck driving, tattooed, physically fit, well groomed, busy with his career doing his own thing sorta dude. The second half of his descriptors are my type. I know, I know but your girl is desperate. He’s also a veteran. We get along over text, fun friendly banter, we FaceTime a few times and generally seem to (for a lack of a better word) vibe. Further into the week our conversation gets really flirty. We seem to have similar interests and the mention of a safe word comes up. Green flag. I’m okay with that. We both live a little outside of a big city, so we got a hotel and met up in the city. I am more familiar with the city than Kyle is. I’ve parked and I go meet him and we find a place for him to leave his truck. After we park he asked me to get his gun from the glove box while he’s making sure everything is in his bag. I live in a state where concealed carry/owning a gun is pretty normal and he comes from one similar. This wasn’t weird to me but feels relevant to the story. I jokingly said “I don’t want my fingerprints on your gun,” as I handed him his gun only touching the sleeve it was in. I hope he jokingly said “this one is not my burner gun.” yikes #1.

On our way to the bar, the sidewalk is packed and we are trying to get indoors. Kyle touched the back of this guy and said “hey excuse me.” As I walked by the man that Kyle touched the man says “don’t fucking touch me ever again.” Kyle turns around and yells “well then don’t stand in the fucking way.” yikes. We get food and two beers and this is when I realize Kyle is a little more toxic gender roles and conservative than I realized. Not a big deal, I love red dead redemption. This man can still make a come back. We head home after getting drinks and dinner.

We turn on the TV, we’re sitting on the couch and pretty much lots of heavy petting turns into kissing turns into making babies. This man and I go for rounds. Imagine a ping pong game and no body is finishing but we just keep tying the game. Someone’s gotta win by two. Deuce. The sex is good. No safe word has been dropped. It’s just casual good two horny people sex.

I think we started at 11:30pm and the third round ended at like 1:20am. After the water break, round four starts up and everything is going fine. i’m going to try and be as detailed as possible without giving too much information out there. This man is standing up I am laying on my back on the couch going down on him. He’s clearly enjoying it. I can hear and physically tell.

I kid you not.

I don’t know how to say this.

I don’t know how to type these words out.

But he peed in my mouth.

I literally got up and spit the shit out everywhere and asked him what the fuck. He laughed. HE LAUGHED. Kyle says something to the effect of “I like doing things that catch people off guard.”

Clearly Kyle.

After that, night is ruined I go shower alone and it’s obvious that I’m like not into him. I go to bed this man snores like a fucking chainsaw. Now you’re asking why don’t you get the fuck up and run away in that moment? The cumulation of red flags made it feel safer to stay and get the hell out later. Next morning, I pack my shit up and say goodbye and he asks if we’re gonna hang out again. Oh my God. Now I’m drinking coffee and I’m about to go pick up my little brother from school.

TL:DR I went on a tinder date with a weird man who decided to use the restroom in my mouth during sex.

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