TIFU by boofing 70% ethanol hand sanitizer

for the uninitiated, boofing is when you put a substance up your ass. there are various reasons one might do this, in my case it was to avoid throwing up hand sanitizer, as i had drunk it many times before to that end.

now i'm a smart little coookie, i thought i could beat the game. unlike everyone else, i knew the ingredients in this. ethanol and phenoxyethanol. i had boofed 5 squirts diluted in water already, it mildly worked. this time i decided to skip the water so it would be more concentrated, but i'd have to use the hand sanitizer bottle directly as it sticks to the side of any container you move it into. i went for it and got a good amount in my butt. instantly i felt the need to shit but that's what happens when you boof anything so i thought nothing of it. i hold it for 5 minutes then dilute the contents of my colon with water as i assume the gel is too viscous making it more like a solid and harder to hold. this is where it all goes wrong. after about 15 seconds i can't handle the urge to shit anymore and let loose on the toilet. it was messy.

i didn't realise until a little later, but putting a caustic chemical up there gave me bad diarrhea. the thing though? there was nothing in my colon to push out, so i just felt like i needed to shit really badly but when i went to, almost nothing came out. i would be on and off the toilet many times until i managed to get to sleep. for 3 hours. i woke up at 2 am and i needed to use the toilet again and again. the feeling wouldn't stop. it was barely a tiny amount of some liquid substance every time and left me still feeling like i needed to go. unlike a normal time when you boof something and it lingers for a few hours, this was different. this didn't seem like it'd ever stop, incapacitating me with the constant and extremely uncomfortable urge like after a night out at taco bell. it was torture but i tried my absolute hardest to sleep it off to no avail. i thought i had probably excreted a lot of sodium during this, because i was so tired but completely restless, my mouth was dry, and i couldn't pee despite drinking water.

eventually i eat some food to get my electrolytes up a tiny bit, but as my body is adjusting i start to think about what i'd actually done to myself. maybe this wouldn't go away, incapacitating me until tomorrow? or god forbid i've done permanent damage to my colon by putting 70% hand sanitizer up there. what if the constant feeling never goes away? or what if... i have to have a colostomy bag??? or i develop ibs??? like, at the very least my colon lining had been damaged badly. by 6 i get to sleep and wake up at 8 to eat breakfast. i threw up most of it. i needed to shit again so i did. then a few minutes later again. back to this... but it actually subsided shortly after with no further symptoms other than mild phenoxyethanol intoxication. safe to say i am no longer taking my rectum for granted, and i am thankful for how forgiving it was to me on this occasion.

TL;DR boofed hand sanitizer, got a free trial of IBS