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TIFU by eating chocolate covered pretzels

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TIFU by making a pregnant woman lose her lunch in my ambulance

Hey, so this happened a little over a year ago, but a co-worker brought it up today and this story needs to be shared for "educational purposes."

I'm a paramedic and, at the time, I was a little over 6 years into my career in EMS. This shift started off like any other. I got up, drove to work, got ready for my shift, and checked out my ambulance. The only thing that made this shift a little different was that I actually brought a lunch to work. I live in Illinois and we are lucky enough to have been blessed with the incredible delicacy, commonly known as, White Castle. The night before, my girlfriend and I, decided to indulge ourselves and visit this exquisite dining facility for some tasty sliders.

After we finish eating, we realized that we may have bought too many, but it was fine because I would just take them to work the next day. So, lunch time comes around and I eagerly make my way to the kitchen to heat up my little square guilty pleasures. I scarffed them down and all was right in the world.

About an hour later, we get a call. 35 year old female with abdominal pain. We rush to the scene and found our patient sitting on a chair on her front porch. She told us that she was about 13 weeks pregnant and she has been experiencing a cramping like feeling in her stomach to the point its making her nauseous. We asked our questions, took some vitals, did our assessment, and got her into the ambulance.

I was sitting on the bench seat next to her, trying to keep her calm while I get an IV going. I'm just about to poke her when I started to get, what could only be described as, the bubble guts. I tried my best to keep my composure while feeling like my stomach is trying to twist and shred it's self to pieces. I got the IV and I was explaining that we were going to be giving her meds to help with the nausea. It start to draw up the meds when it happens... I could feel the pneumatic pressure building and bubbling in my intestines. I tighten my butthole as hard as I can as it was my last line of defense. As hard as I tried to hold it back, the infamous Illinois potholes would seem to be my downfall. As we hit the pothole, I felt it happen. Much like Hodor in Game of Thrones, I was not able stop the evil that was unleashed into the world.

Fortunately, it was a "silent but deadly" one. Unfortunately, it emphasized on the "deadly" part.

I try to play it cool and continue making small talk with this nice lady. I give her the meds and tell her that they might take a minute to start working. Apparently, a minute was too long. She began to complain of this horrific smell and severe nausea. I thought that it might have just been fom the outside, but then it hit me.

Side note, did you know that when a person is pregnant, they can experience heightened senses? Well now you do.

This fart was by far one of the most racid smells to have ever been produced. It smelled like a mix of rotting food being severed next to a tire fire and your parents disappointed. The pt began to gag and dry heave. I did my best to reach and grab a basin in time, but... thats not what ended up happening.

My patient projectile vomited onto the wall of my ambulance. She began to apologize but I just told her "Dont worry about it. Shit happens." After puking up her guts, she said she was actually starting to feel a little better. After that, we got to the hospital, cleaned up the ambulance, and that was that.

TLDR: My rancid fart caused a pregnant woman to re-enact the exorcist all over my ambulance.

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