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TIFU by Talking to my Sleeping Partner

I came home to find my partner asleep, so I carefully crawled into bed with them. I happened to have a lot on my mind, so after some time I started speaking quietly to them. I've never done this before, but it was cathartic to say my thoughts out loud. Since they were asleep, I told them things I would never say to them if they were conscious.

I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder. Lately, I've been in a severely bad mental state - so bad that I cannot get out of bed, take care of hygiene, go to work...you get the picture. I think about ending it every day. I am in conversation with my school administrators, work supervisor and HR, family and friends support system for accommodations during this time, and also have been meeting with all kinds of medical professionals in an effort to find something that helps lessen my mental anguish. Ive seen many therapists/counselors, have been on multiple medications, do my best to maintain social relationships, and exercise. Nothing has helped, and being honest about how I am doing when I was able to mask it and "function" for many years before is taking a toll on me.

In talking to my sleeping partner, I told him about how much I hate how little control I have, how exhausted I am with the process of finding something that works. I expressed regret for how my condition is difficult for other people as well. And then, I started talking about the future; a future I do not see myself in. I talked about my options and plans to take my life, even made a joke about what his highly religious mother would say. Near the end, I rambled on about how amazing my time with him has been, how much I love him, how much I fear leaving him to deal with grief. I made a comment about how I sincerely hope he finds someone who deserves the treatment he gave me, someone he is excited to spend the rest of his life with, after I am gone.

Folks, as I'm sure you've guessed, he wasn't asleep for all of that. As far as I know, he only heard the very last bit, but that was enough to freak him out. As soon as I said my last "I love you" and began to settle to sleep, he spoke. He asked what I meant, "when I'm gone"? He asked if I was serious. In that moment, I didn't want to be honest, but I couldn't lie, so I just didn't answer. I'm sure that was answer enough.

I feel so guilty. He really has been the most wonderful person to share the last many years of my life with, and my heart breaks for what I'm going to do to him. I wish I didn't have to further burden him with the knowledge of what's coming.

Not looking for advice, declarations of support, or sympathy. Just wanted to type into the void for a bit. Take care, friends. I'll see you on the other side.

TL ; DR My partner was not sleeping as I told him about my intention to kill myself, and I feel guilty for not only wanting to leave this world, but for making him have to think about it prematurely.

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