Skip to main content

TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

Post a Comment

TIFU by Talking to my Sleeping Partner

I came home to find my partner asleep, so I carefully crawled into bed with them. I happened to have a lot on my mind, so after some time I started speaking quietly to them. I've never done this before, but it was cathartic to say my thoughts out loud. Since they were asleep, I told them things I would never say to them if they were conscious.

I am diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder. Lately, I've been in a severely bad mental state - so bad that I cannot get out of bed, take care of hygiene, go to work...you get the picture. I think about ending it every day. I am in conversation with my school administrators, work supervisor and HR, family and friends support system for accommodations during this time, and also have been meeting with all kinds of medical professionals in an effort to find something that helps lessen my mental anguish. Ive seen many therapists/counselors, have been on multiple medications, do my best to maintain social relationships, and exercise. Nothing has helped, and being honest about how I am doing when I was able to mask it and "function" for many years before is taking a toll on me.

In talking to my sleeping partner, I told him about how much I hate how little control I have, how exhausted I am with the process of finding something that works. I expressed regret for how my condition is difficult for other people as well. And then, I started talking about the future; a future I do not see myself in. I talked about my options and plans to take my life, even made a joke about what his highly religious mother would say. Near the end, I rambled on about how amazing my time with him has been, how much I love him, how much I fear leaving him to deal with grief. I made a comment about how I sincerely hope he finds someone who deserves the treatment he gave me, someone he is excited to spend the rest of his life with, after I am gone.

Folks, as I'm sure you've guessed, he wasn't asleep for all of that. As far as I know, he only heard the very last bit, but that was enough to freak him out. As soon as I said my last "I love you" and began to settle to sleep, he spoke. He asked what I meant, "when I'm gone"? He asked if I was serious. In that moment, I didn't want to be honest, but I couldn't lie, so I just didn't answer. I'm sure that was answer enough.

I feel so guilty. He really has been the most wonderful person to share the last many years of my life with, and my heart breaks for what I'm going to do to him. I wish I didn't have to further burden him with the knowledge of what's coming.

Not looking for advice, declarations of support, or sympathy. Just wanted to type into the void for a bit. Take care, friends. I'll see you on the other side.

TL ; DR My partner was not sleeping as I told him about my intention to kill myself, and I feel guilty for not only wanting to leave this world, but for making him have to think about it prematurely.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU by walking into a glass door.

This just happened barely 30 minutes ago. Ended up with a nose bleed and some of the worst nose pain in my life. I can’t even wear glasses without the pressure hurting my nose. So, how did I make the same fuck up a bird would? I put on my sunglasses to leave an appointment and ended up walking nose first into a glass door. Shambling back in shock, I had no damn clue what I had just done. It shocked me so bad that I didn’t comprehend it until I felt liquid drip down my nose. I had turned into the world’s bloodiest leaking faucet. Someone witnessed this in their periphery and asked me if they needed to phone someone. In a panic I basically wailed for them not to, even though I would soon freak out and think I need an ambulance. Someone else came by and ended up giving me paper towels, which quickly looked like I had murdered a mouse with them. My nosebleed soon stopped but not before someone else checked on me. TLDR; fought a glass door and lost. I do not envy the janitorial staff. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by asking my boss why his cock got hard on my leg.

***not a fake post. I’m F 32, He was standing over one of my legs while I was sitting in front of him facing him (spinal adjustment) and he spread my knees with his leg, put his hand on my stomach and then there was a ton of sexual tension and I felt his cock grow into my leg and then start to fill with blood and then twitch on my leg. My boss has been leading me on for two years in subtle ways. Lots of waist pinching, close moments, and “were you good while I was away(s)?” Mostly breadcrumbing himself out to me while his wife (who I also work with) became increasingly hostile towards me. He is someone who has been a mentor to me for ten years. The two of them seem to be having marital problems on and off. The other month, while in close proximity, he started to get hard on my leg and moved when he noticed. A while later, I asked for an open conversation on the attraction between us and what to do about it. It has been distressing me and I had reached my limit. I figured since we’ve...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by going through my girlfriend’s old photos

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months or so and things have been up and down but I love her a lot and she loves me a lot. We’re both 20 and she’s had a lot more experience sexually than I have and this has always bothered me but besides that we have a pretty good relationship. We’ve talked about our pasts and she’s had some pretty bad experiences that caused her to kind of go off the rails up until we met. She’s all in on me and I’m all in on her and she’s expressed a lot of regret about her past choices and I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible but I’ve always had some insecurity regarding it. Well anyways last night I was on her laptop and saw her photos were linked to it and I stupidly clicked on it and started going through them. Don’t need anyone telling me that it was dumb and an invasion of privacy because I really realize that now and I will never be going through any of her stuff again. Anyways I ended up seeing a lot of shit. Clicked on a folder that...
Post a Comment
Read more