TIFU by having a big ass which ruined Christmas.

Hi everyone, Admittedly this is a 4 days ago I fucked up but there’s no sub for that. Also, this is a throwaway as my family/friends know my main and I’m looking to avoid further fucking up. As a bit of backstory there are two points that come into play with this fuck up. TL;DR is at the bottom if you don’t want to read the whole thing.

Point 1) I have a big ass for a dude. Not fat (6’1” 215lbs) but I lived in San Fran (lots of hills) for a very long time and walked everywhere (5-7 miles a day) leading to very developed buns of steel.

Point 2) my wife is amazing in almost every way but gift giving isn’t one. She tries hard but has a habit of getting the “best version” of something without realizing her version of “best” isn’t universal. Example: for my Bday i asked for running shoes, I showed her 3-4 pairs that I had researched, tried on in store, etc. Instead she “splurged” for designer running shoes because they’re a “better brand” (think Balenziaga or Prada). They look cool and I was very grateful but the problem is they aren’t actually meant to be run in and hurt to walk in for more than a few minutes.

This all leads us to Christmas. My wife has been talking up a specific “big gift” (she didn’t say which one) for weeks. The first gift I picked was a nice billfold thing which I tried putting in my back pocket but it didn’t fit (it’s just as long as a clutch but about an inch wider as well), same with the front pockets, too long. This is where the fuckup starts She was watching me with a confused look so I jokingly said that I had too much junk in my trunk for a billfold but we could have matching clutches on date nights. I stopped after that because she kept watching me looking very confused and didn’t react to my joke. I chalked it up to being unfunny, thanked her, told her it was lovely and I would use it when I wear a jacket. To change the subject I said we should keep going and put the wallet back in the box before looking at my wife who i then realized was crying. I went into panic mode asking what happened and she just kept saying “I measured… I measured all of your pants and it should fit in your back pocket… I measured every pair of pants you own, I even tested. You’ll never be able to use it and it’s too late to return it”. Thinking it was just about the return window closing I tried to comfort her and told her it’s okay, it’s just a wallet, not a big deal, I just have a big butt which threw off the measurements, let’s just move on as we both still have the “big gifts” left.

Well this was the wrong thing to say and she began crying harder before saying the wallet was the big gift. It is an Italian designer wallet, she spent her Christmas limit on it, and the other gift boxes were decoys. She was so upset because she thought this would be a really nice version of something I’d use daily but she didn’t take my ass into consideration when measuring so now she didn’t have anything else to give me for Christmas and the one thing she did give me was something I couldn’t use without carrying it around like a man purse or with a jacket which I can only do once or twice a year due to how hot it is where we live. The rest of the morning was spent with her crying each time she opened a gift because she loved everything I had gotten and felt bad which in turn made me feel like a shithead for not reacting correctly. It’s been 4 days and she can’t use any of her gifts without getting emotional and idk how I’m supposed to act/react here.

TL;DR: wife got me an insanely expensive item for Christmas which I can’t use as designed because she didn’t take my butt into consideration when measuring. She feels shitty, I feel shitty, Christmas was tainted by my ass, not sure how to recover here.