TIFU by letting my coworker move in with me. UPDATE.

First, thank you for the messages, the responses, and the accusations of this being a Hallmark special. Trust me the last person to play me IRL is Candace Cameron-Burr, or LeAnn Rimes. I assure you, I'm hardly a dainty blonde who swoons at the sight of 'piercing blue eyes' and a 'dazzling white smile'. I actually have black hair, can hardly be called "Dainty", and Jason has brown eyes, but my husband did have green, so if you want to bank on that you're welcome to.

This will be difficult to explain, but I hope I can make it easy to understand. My husband and I were basically born to be together. We had known each other from nursery school. I fell in love with him before I even knew what love was, and stayed in love. We got married at 18 and 19. We were planning a future. We had bought a house. We had career goals. We had retirement goals. When I lost him I felt like I lost a lifeline. My time with him wasn't enough. It would never be enough.

I had what everyone wants and deserves, and it was taken away from me. Just understand how freaking unfair that is. Okay?

After some heavy thinking/drinking, I came to the conclusion that when it comes to Jason, with him living here, it was the life I should have had by now. I should have had my husband here with me. I should have had the two kids we planned on having, in a house with noise and toys and laughter and cries and spats between siblings. This should have been my life.

But the person there was the wrong person. It wasn't my six foot two green eyed monster of a man. And as much as I loved them, the girls weren't ours. I miss my husband, and I miss even more the life we were robbed of.

I think it was Betty White said, after her husband passed away, she wouldn't date or marry again because she had the best, and nothing would compare to it. That's me. That's the truth. Absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, would compare to my husband. And right now, I don't want anything to compare it too.

That's what I told Jason. After reading the multiple texts of him just asking me to talk, saying there was something we had and he didn't want to lose, then him getting angry because I wasn't responding, then apologizing for being (rightfully) angry, then just asking if we could go back to being friends and forgetting everything that happened. When I got that text, I put my adult pants on and called him.

I told him everything above. I told him everything I didn't mention on here because it would be too revealing. I told him that he was freshly divorced (or will be), and I wasn't the rebound type of person. Him and his wife haven't even been separated for a year at this point, and with my insecurities and comparisons to my marriage, it wouldn't be fair to pursue anything right now, especially with him. He's fresh off the block here, still hurt at his own marriage failing. Because even though I think I fell in love with him, I need time to confirm if it's with him specifically, or just with the life I was supposed to have.

Thankfully he understood. And thought I was possibly correct in my assumption that he was jumping into something we weren't ready for. He asked if we could still be friends, and I jumped at that option. I missed him, missed the girls, I missed having a meaning instead of just coasting.

He asked if I could come over for Christmas. I bought the girls some presents from me, and Santa, so I said of course, and I'll come over later tonight once the girls pass out. He seemed really happy with this. I asked him not to tell the girls I was coming over, and we could have that damn adulting talk that a phone conversation won't cut it for. He promised to slip the girls a Benedryl/Nyquil chaser to make sure they stay asleep. I'm pretty sure he was joking.

So. That's my update. We're friends-ish. I see him tonight. And I'm more nervous than a prom date. But look at me Reddit, I communicated! I got my Big Girl Trousers on! They're horribly scratchy and uncomfortable and are probably going to give me a rash by the end of it.

TL:DR We're friends until I mess it up again.