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TIFU by eating chocolate covered pretzels

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TIFU by keeping my mouth shut

Someone from a really long time ago said, "Ain't nobody made a fool of himself keeping his mouth shut."

I have empirical evidence to suggest otherwise.

My best friend and his wife just welcomed their second child into the world a week ago, and I got to meet the lil guy today. They've also got a son whose old enough to walk confidently but still hasn't progressed verbally past "Ma" and "Da". So the pair of them are run pretty ragged.

When I arrived my best friend's wife hugged me and said, "Thank god you're here. I need a nap SO bad." and then disappeared into their bedroom for her much needed nap. I hung out with my friend for a bit and admired the new addition and played quietly with the other one while he chilled.

Then it was feeding time for the newborn and my buddy, being the ass that he is, didn't warn me about the baby's tendency to projectile vomit without warning. He thought it was HILARIOUS when I got covered in baby vomit. Me? I was less amused. But I sucked it up because there will come a day when I have vengeance.

Net result of me getting puked on? I put the shirt I was wearing into a bag for cleaning or burning depending, and he lent me one of his T-shirts to wear.

Later on, miraculously, both kids wound up asleep at the same time. My buddy handed me the baby and just said keep on rocking, I need a shower so bad. Can you keep an eye on the pair?

I said I could, and he disappeared.

Maybe five minutes after I heard the shower turn on, baby starts wailing. I am unequipped to do anything about this situation, I have no bottle, nor the slightest clue what's upset the kid. Frantic back pats and shush shush sounds aren't doing the trick.

That's when my buddy's wife wakes up and partially emerges from her slumber. She's wearing leggings and a pair of breast pumps. Winds up just removing a pump, taking the baby from me, sitting on my lap, plugging the cry hole with a boob, resting her head on my shoulder and going back to sleep.

I hadn't said a word and was wearing my friend's shirt, pretty sure she was tired enough to assume I was him.

I was frozen for a moment, what the SHIT had just happened? Realized it was probably the sleep deprivation and mistaken identity, so I cleared my throat and was like, "Uh, think I'ma head home."

She startles upright, goes oh SHIT! I'm SO sorry! and practically launches herself off of me to disappear. Wind up calling after her, "I'm heading out, <friend's name> is showering, you got the other kid too?"

I get a sheepish yes and a drive safe. Probably could've saved myself some trouble if I'd said hi before she just plopped down.

Friend also has the tiniest bit of a jealousy problem, genuinely hoping this gets handled rationally.

TL;DR: I visited parents with a newborn. Sleep deprivation led to mistaken identity, and my best friend's wife wound up sitting on my lap topless thinking I was him.

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