Skip to main content

TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

Post a Comment

TIFU by keeping my mouth shut

Someone from a really long time ago said, "Ain't nobody made a fool of himself keeping his mouth shut."

I have empirical evidence to suggest otherwise.

My best friend and his wife just welcomed their second child into the world a week ago, and I got to meet the lil guy today. They've also got a son whose old enough to walk confidently but still hasn't progressed verbally past "Ma" and "Da". So the pair of them are run pretty ragged.

When I arrived my best friend's wife hugged me and said, "Thank god you're here. I need a nap SO bad." and then disappeared into their bedroom for her much needed nap. I hung out with my friend for a bit and admired the new addition and played quietly with the other one while he chilled.

Then it was feeding time for the newborn and my buddy, being the ass that he is, didn't warn me about the baby's tendency to projectile vomit without warning. He thought it was HILARIOUS when I got covered in baby vomit. Me? I was less amused. But I sucked it up because there will come a day when I have vengeance.

Net result of me getting puked on? I put the shirt I was wearing into a bag for cleaning or burning depending, and he lent me one of his T-shirts to wear.

Later on, miraculously, both kids wound up asleep at the same time. My buddy handed me the baby and just said keep on rocking, I need a shower so bad. Can you keep an eye on the pair?

I said I could, and he disappeared.

Maybe five minutes after I heard the shower turn on, baby starts wailing. I am unequipped to do anything about this situation, I have no bottle, nor the slightest clue what's upset the kid. Frantic back pats and shush shush sounds aren't doing the trick.

That's when my buddy's wife wakes up and partially emerges from her slumber. She's wearing leggings and a pair of breast pumps. Winds up just removing a pump, taking the baby from me, sitting on my lap, plugging the cry hole with a boob, resting her head on my shoulder and going back to sleep.

I hadn't said a word and was wearing my friend's shirt, pretty sure she was tired enough to assume I was him.

I was frozen for a moment, what the SHIT had just happened? Realized it was probably the sleep deprivation and mistaken identity, so I cleared my throat and was like, "Uh, think I'ma head home."

She startles upright, goes oh SHIT! I'm SO sorry! and practically launches herself off of me to disappear. Wind up calling after her, "I'm heading out, <friend's name> is showering, you got the other kid too?"

I get a sheepish yes and a drive safe. Probably could've saved myself some trouble if I'd said hi before she just plopped down.

Friend also has the tiniest bit of a jealousy problem, genuinely hoping this gets handled rationally.

TL;DR: I visited parents with a newborn. Sleep deprivation led to mistaken identity, and my best friend's wife wound up sitting on my lap topless thinking I was him.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU by walking into a glass door.

This just happened barely 30 minutes ago. Ended up with a nose bleed and some of the worst nose pain in my life. I can’t even wear glasses without the pressure hurting my nose. So, how did I make the same fuck up a bird would? I put on my sunglasses to leave an appointment and ended up walking nose first into a glass door. Shambling back in shock, I had no damn clue what I had just done. It shocked me so bad that I didn’t comprehend it until I felt liquid drip down my nose. I had turned into the world’s bloodiest leaking faucet. Someone witnessed this in their periphery and asked me if they needed to phone someone. In a panic I basically wailed for them not to, even though I would soon freak out and think I need an ambulance. Someone else came by and ended up giving me paper towels, which quickly looked like I had murdered a mouse with them. My nosebleed soon stopped but not before someone else checked on me. TLDR; fought a glass door and lost. I do not envy the janitorial staff. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by asking my boss why his cock got hard on my leg.

***not a fake post. I’m F 32, He was standing over one of my legs while I was sitting in front of him facing him (spinal adjustment) and he spread my knees with his leg, put his hand on my stomach and then there was a ton of sexual tension and I felt his cock grow into my leg and then start to fill with blood and then twitch on my leg. My boss has been leading me on for two years in subtle ways. Lots of waist pinching, close moments, and “were you good while I was away(s)?” Mostly breadcrumbing himself out to me while his wife (who I also work with) became increasingly hostile towards me. He is someone who has been a mentor to me for ten years. The two of them seem to be having marital problems on and off. The other month, while in close proximity, he started to get hard on my leg and moved when he noticed. A while later, I asked for an open conversation on the attraction between us and what to do about it. It has been distressing me and I had reached my limit. I figured since we’ve...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by going through my girlfriend’s old photos

My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months or so and things have been up and down but I love her a lot and she loves me a lot. We’re both 20 and she’s had a lot more experience sexually than I have and this has always bothered me but besides that we have a pretty good relationship. We’ve talked about our pasts and she’s had some pretty bad experiences that caused her to kind of go off the rails up until we met. She’s all in on me and I’m all in on her and she’s expressed a lot of regret about her past choices and I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible but I’ve always had some insecurity regarding it. Well anyways last night I was on her laptop and saw her photos were linked to it and I stupidly clicked on it and started going through them. Don’t need anyone telling me that it was dumb and an invasion of privacy because I really realize that now and I will never be going through any of her stuff again. Anyways I ended up seeing a lot of shit. Clicked on a folder that...
Post a Comment
Read more