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TIFU by telling my mom the truth

For a bit of context, I'm an 18 years old, and I live in a Muslim household. I've had a problem with my family's religion for many years now. I'd consider myself an atheist, or at the very least agnostic. I can't bring myself to believe one bit in any religion this world has to offer. For a long time that has been fine, I've been able to keep that a secret from my family, until today.

While cleaning the house my mom found some alcohol I'd stashed away in the house and confronted me about it when I got home from uni. We had a long crying session and quite frankly a pretty frustrating argument whilst sobbing. It ended with her telling me to kind of, tidy myself up? so that my father wouldn't suspect anything when he came home.

It seems like my mother is willing to ignore this, at least that's what it looked like today. Whether it be for her mental state's sake, mine or both. After all she had ended the topic telling me to just work hard on my studies, and we haven't spoken about it since. All would be well, if it weren't for the fact that this won't stay a secret. My mom is visibly broken and she looks sick.

In the past 12 hours it feels like my whole world has shattered. While I've lied to my family and acted to be a muslim, I always knew it'd end horribly. I never expected it to be so soon though, and especially not because I had been such an idiot. I've broken my mother, and if my siblings or father learn about this, I will practically have destroyed my life as I know it. Though it feels like that is already the case. I simply do not know what to do and it feels like nothing I do matters anymore, I've already destroyed everything that has been built for me by my parents. It wouldn't hurt as much had my parents not been wonderful. As I lay here in bed I wonder how I could be so lucky with the situation I was born into, and yet I've still found a way to ruin it. We've not always financially been in the best spot, yet I've always had everything I needed given to me, with the only thing asked of me in return is my love and the promise to be a good person. And in my mom's eyes, I've failed in both of those aspects now. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. All I know is, for the first time in my life, I'm truly afraid.

I apologize for the horrible formatting and probably the many typo's or grammatical errors in this essay of a text. I'm on my phone and I'm honestly just not motivated to read through it all.

TL;DR : I told my mom I don't believe in Islam and it feels like I've ruined my own world.

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