TIFU by not checking the expiration date.

This story is just so...

Recently I decided to begin a healthier lifestyle so I started a new hobby. Hiking. I and a bunch of other hiking connoisseurs decided to organize a group of about 20 people. But the closest place that you can really hike in is 3 hours from where I live. That did not dissuade me. And so I woke up early and realized I didn't have anything to make a decent breakfast with. So I decided to be lazy and ate a slice of bread with cheese and milk (which I later found out was past it's expiration date). I drank my coffee and my adventure began. For the first hour and a half I felt fine with only some weird noises coming from my stomach. When it really went downhill was while I was in the middle of the Highway, stuck in traffic, I heard something.

It sounded like a very old engine and a rusty chainsaw were having sex and were getting very into it.

Then I farted. Complete silence. The calm before the storm.

Then. The smell, oh the SMELL. Vile wouldn't even BEGIN to describe it. It simply smelled like death.

I physically gasped for clean air and rolled down every window. And then I felt a second one coming. And it was coming alright.

It was not a fart, in fact I think that that day Satan himself came out of my anus. It was a shart.

It was but a single drop of poop in my pants.

It was like before an earthquake a single painting hung on the wall would fall. Then the earth itself would open up and devour everything.

It was the drop before the dam burst. No The dam didn't burst.

It imploded.

And so did my dignity.

Picture this. You're peacefully driving down the highway and you get stuck in traffic. While waiting suddenly you hear a loud sound from the car behind you then a man in his early 30s sprints out of the car, slamming the driver door and squats, pulling his pants down and letting out a waterfall of brown and yellow flow from between his cheeks and as he does this his face looks like he is seeing his life flash before his eyes. In the meanwhile you hear an ungodly and continuous SQUELCH as it keeps on flowing. After 20 solid seconds the man begins to get up when he slips.

That man is me.

Desperation can make a rabbit fight a tiger for prey.

It can also make you spread you asscrack on the side of a crowded highway. I went back into my car and I wanted to pass out from both the relief and the embarrassment. But I prevailed and did not cancel the hike. Those 15 kilometers of walking and climbing have never felt more awkward, seeing as I couldn't stop thinking about me smelling like shit (literally). And I knew that they knew seeing as everyone wanted to be as far away from me while not wanting to be rude. So I endured, went home and took the best shower of my life. I regret not using holy water to wash my crack.

TLDR: I drank expired milk. Niagara falls turned brown on the side of a highway. Dignity was incinerated.