Skip to main content

TIFU trying to hide my boner without using my brain

Throwaway account.

Last night my roommate (25f) asked me (20m) to rub antiseptic cream on her lower back. She had a bruise just above her butt from a recent accident that involved too much alcohol and too many stairs. She was wearing an arm sling too. I was warming my food and finishing my weed when my roommate approached me and made her problem our problem. She indicated that her good arm was out of service and requested my assistance. I pointed out that nothing was wrong with her other arm though. I was joking. It was the stoner in me surfacing. I said tell me what to do.

My roommate unexpectedly leaned over the counter in front of me and lifted her shirt above her waist. Not gonna lie, inappropriate thoughts automatically crossed my mind at that moment. I'm human. However, I didn't allow my filthy imagination to cloud my judgment. My roommate instructed me to be gentle when applying the cream because the bruise on her back was still sensitive. I applied the cream as gently as possible, but she was wincing and groaning when I touched her. I was literally rubbing her the wrong way.

Mid rub, my roommate looked over her shoulder and said "just like that." It was unintentionally hot. I was unable to prevent my inevitable boner from showing up. For the record, I do not have a bazooka between my legs, but my sweatpants did nothing to hide my growing excitement. I was afraid my roommate would feel uncomfortable if she noticed, so instead of making an excuse to walk away, I panicked and switched off the light because the light switch was close to me and it somehow made the most sense at the time. There was no plan. No next step. Zero logic.

I didn't know what I was doing in the dark, it was dumb, I was high, but at least my boner was invisible. My roommate's first reaction was to quickly pull me close, too close, which I did not anticipate at all. She gasped and instantly backed away when she realized my rocket was ready to launch. I defeatedly switched on the light and awkwardly covered my boner with a random box of cereal. Honey Nut Cheerios. My roommate laughed so hard she was wheezing. When I was done using the box of cereal as my personal boner blocker, my roommate, who was still in stitches, used a marker to scratch out "Honey" in Honey Nut Cheerios and add my name. She's never gonna allow me to forget this.

TL:DR I tried to hide my boner from my roommate using darkness, a box of cereal, and none of my brain cells. Little did I know that the combination of darkness and Honey Nut Cheerios would make my boner even more obvious than ever before.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...