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TIFU: Went back to work too soon and shat my pants

Ok, so technically this happened in January but it's been burning a hole in my brain so I had to share! I had recently been sick with COVID with mild/moderate symtpms, but been declared non-contagious and needed to get back to work since I'm self-employed as a dog walker. Not the fancy, walking 20 dogs at once kind, I live in the suburbs of the Midwest and primarily walk one or two dogs at a time. Anyway, I'm out with one of my regular clients about halfway through our hour long walk when my stomach starts making THAT noise.

Now this particular walk is essentially walking a mile straight down a trail and a mile back along the same path we just walked, the turnaround point being a moderately wooded area. As soon as I realized my digestive system was about to betray me I turned around and started walking back as fast as I could. I knew within the first few steps I wasn't going to make it and I started to panic, sweating and clenching my butt cheeks as hard as I could. There was a few feet of snow on the ground I knew my only hope was to run into the woods (which you can definently see through, but it's better than nothing at this point). My very first step into the deep snow released the clench of my cheeks just enough to let a rancid, COVID liquid poop start leaking out into my underwear.

Here I am, trying to get to the nearest large tree, hauling a dog who is confused as hell, with my underwear filling with disgusting liquid. I make it to the tree, hook the leash on a branch and try to strip off my fleece lined pants far enough to squat and let my bowels loose...instant relief. But, now I'm faced with another problem, WTF am I supposed to do with these underwear?! It's too cold and there is too much snow to properly take them off, especially since I'm barely out of easy eye shot of any passersby. I reluctantly come to the conclusion that I'll have to cut/rip them off while continuing to squat on the freezing cold. but the only thing I have in my pocket is my keys. So I start sawing away at the seams of my underwear while my fingers are starting to get numb. The keys partially work to rip holes in the fabric, and I finish the job through shear force of will and the mounting terror that someone will walk by to see me (or the tied up dog!) squatting half naked behind this tree. After burying my underwear and puddle of poo in shame, I finish the walk as quickly as possible commando, not having anything to have wiped with.

To top off the horror of the day, I was housesitting for my Dad and went back to his house to clean myself up. I start running some warm bath water, because this mess is all over my lower body. I strip down to my shirt and bra and go to sit down in the few inches of water to warm up and clean off. I shut off the water, but the water won't stop running! Something inside the pull out handle to turn on/off the water finally kicked the bucket in my moment of need. So now I'm running around the house with no pants trying to shut off the water to the bathroom, which was also leaking down the wall into the basement. Eventually I discovered his house is too old to have a bathroom (or even tub) specific shut off and I'm forced to turn off the water to the whole house for 2 days until the plumber could get out there.

TLDR: I shat my pants while walking a dog and broke my Dad's plumbing trying to clean up.

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