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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating a cheese burger

This didn't happen today but it's funny so I'll share. I needed to drive over a mountain pass to go visit my lovely parents. Well the night before I decided that I was gonna get drunk and have a cheese burger, the burger was delicious and the drinks were great. Well there is a part of the pass that's just trees for about an hour. Well out of my own stupidity I didn't plan ahead and use the bathroom. About 20 min into the middle of nowhere forest, my body reminds me I'm lactose intolerant and I get the overwhelming urge to poo. Lucky for me there is a pull out up ahead for a forest service "road" (basically an ATV trail), I take that road and drive up a bit so I was hidden by trees and won't be seen from the main road. I'm a good boy scout and I always keep a roll of toilet paper in my car (be prepared). I quicky parked my car in the middle of the road as no one would be driving down this random forest road in the middle of nowhere. I flung open my door, rolled down my window, set the TP and my gun on the hood (this was bear country and I ain't dieing via bear while shitting). I looped my arm though the window to make it easier to lean back and not shit on my shoes. I pull down my pants and the flood gates start, my god this is the worst, most foul shit I've ever taken. In an attempt to make sure I don't shit on my pants, I push them all the way down to my ankles and push my butt further out so I was just kinda projectile shitting away from my car. After I completed my horrific expelling of shit I stood up closed my car door turned to face up the road. Took a few shuffled steps away from bright brown puddle of the worst smelling shit I've ever smelt towards the hood of my car, and started to wipe. Well just as I was about done wiping, a family of four in their SUV came around the corner of the road I'm currently blocking and have shit all over. I lock eyes with the mother who looks horrified as there I stand dick blowing in the breeze hand shoved between my ass cheeks and a huge explosion of shit next to me. Well stuned by absolute embarrassment my brain on auto pilot grabs the TP roll and uses it to cover my dick so I'm not flashing this poor woman and I do one final wipe. This horrifies the lady even more because in moving the tp my gun in now on full display. So now she is looking at some random dude in the woods who is naked staring her down holding a roll of tp between his legs. Blocking the only way out and has a gun. At this moment her young boy pokes his head out of the window and shouts "MOM THATS THE BIGGEST PILE OF CRAP IVE EVER SEEN!" At this moment my brain restarts I quicky pull up my pants grab my gun and tp and just about throw myself into my car. Slamming the car in reverse I start to back down this road till I can pull off to the side and let them pass. If looks could kill my very soul would have been dead by the death glare I Got from the dad. Meanwhile one of the kids shouts out the window "goodbye poo man" and I die of shame.

TL;DR Ate cheese burger, ruined someone else's family camping trip by becoming naked poo man.

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