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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating pizza with everything on it before a work meeting

So it’s the day before a 5 day weekend and I really don’t want to be working on reports and finishing paper work. I had a meeting at 1 so I went out at 1130 to grab lunch.

It’s Friday, I’m going to treat myself. Sausage, BBQ chicken, pepperoni, extra cheese and jalapeños on the pizza, you know, the works. It’ll destroy my stomach but I’ll hit the meeting and then take PTO for the last few hours and run home, no problemo.

I felt the tummy rumble and went and destroyed the bathroom, went back to my desk. Thinking it was a little rumble aftershock, I went to let one rip: big mistake. Placed my bet and LOST. Ran back to the bathroom. Currently trying to gameplan my exit. My keys are on my desk. I can sneak out the back unseen but I would need my keys. Can just sit on the bench and ask someone to bring me my keys, why am I sitting on the bench?

Why isn’t SlimeySnakes in the meeting? He ran to the bathroom and then left after having the intern bring him his keys while sitting on the bench when it’s overcast and about to rain. There’s no good play here.

TLDR: Treated myself to a pizza with the works for lunch, placed a bet on myself and lost. Now my weekend needs to start early but my keys are on my desk, requiring some fancy maneuvering.

Update from the home bathroom: Snuck out the back after hosing my pants with the air freshener in the bathroom. Messaged the intern on Teams and said Id but him a 6 pack if he takes the keys on my desk and puts them on my windshield and doesn’t ask questions. Questions disqualify him from earning beer. I hid at the side of the building until he was gone, got in my car and pants-lessly drove home in shame. I’m not far but I’m not changing and going back in. Messaged my boss and said so wasn’t feeling well and was going to take the rest of the day as PTO, gave an excuse of not wanting to risk getting the rest of the meeting sick and ruining their long weekend. He bought it. It cost me an extra 1.5 hours of PTO but I seem to have escaped. Now just to see if security got me sneaking around on the cameras

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