TIFU I imagined I could translate Aussie slang. I could not.

Dear Aussies,

This one is specifically directed at you. You know who you are.

A couple days ago, I started chatting with a new Aussie friend who was visiting his parents in Sydney with his sister and her two young kids. I had seen him in the hotel fitness center before and we had exchanged pics on the app.

Well, last night he said he was free for an hour but he couldn’t come to my room. Reason? He had to babysit his infant niece while his sister and nephew went out. It sounded super sketch to me, but he was hot. He also promised the infant slept all the time anyway and would be in the suite area, not the bedroom.

Ok, well I had never done a quickie with a for realz babysitter Aussie uncle in a hotel, in a foreign country, so why the eff not. Besides, he sounded like he was bluffing in the texts, like I would never dare to show up.

Well, he thought wrong because I showed up in my hotel bathrobe with nothing under but my new Versace greek key inspired strap undies. After I went inside I flashed my robe open to give him a preview. He was like “holy shit”.

Agreed.

I told him to stop staring (rude and awkward) and made a beeline for the bedroom. There was a sleeping infant in the suite and I didn’t want to be there. Get on with it I told him.

I unrobed and bent over the edge of the bed. I think he might have tripped over himself taking off his PJs and underwear (he was a tall guy, so not the most agile). And the ensuing two phrases really effed me over, never again:

What he might have said: “I’m gonna destroy those fucking G bangers. You want me to wreck you with frangers?”

What I interpreted: “I’m going to destroy your (anal G spot). You want me to wreck (your butthole with my fingers first)?”

Destroy my G spot? Hell to the YES. Digital stimulation (fisting?!?) with those monster hands? Hard pass.

So I replied, “eff yea daddy, wreck it. But just your cock please.” And he said something about drenching me like a sayo (mayo?).

And before I knew what happened next, he rammed into me full force, not even the tiniest foreplay. Just straight up wham. Who does that?! Like yea, I screamed and the baby started crying in the other room. Shouldn’t he attend to the baby and we can do it another night? Also, wtf no condoms?!

Nope. Before I could even suggest taking a rain check, he started growling, ripped my underwear, and finished. Bonus - he gave me a wedgie burn.

I jetted out of there as soon as he pulled out. I had to google some words in a warm bath afterwards because I suspected a miscommunication. I was also in mucho dolor.

And here’s what I think he actually said:

“I’m gonna destroy those G-bangers (aka skimpy underwear, NOT G spot). You want me to wreck you with frangers (condoms, not some super effed up cockney way of saying fingers)?” And “I’m going to drench you like (mayonnaise? I still can’t figure this one).”

So I guess what I am really saying here is this:

My dearest Aussie friends, please be kind - don’t use slang that’s impossible to understand when you have a little Asian/American/non-Aussie bent over the edge of your bed. And don’t destroy clothing unless you are triple, quadruple sure you have consent to do so.

Sincerely,

A friendly visitor.

PS. If you read this, uncle Noah, I hope you will agree that the gentlemanly thing to do is to reimburse me for the underwear. It was about $90 USD with tax. I would come to your room to collect, but sadly am already leaving NSW.

TL;DR: I interpreted Aussie slang and ended up with shredded underwear, a wedgie burn, and unexpected bareback. Thanks Sydney, Australia.