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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by using a bidet when I was brown-out drunk

The FU didn't happen today, but the saga concluded about an hour ago...

I had a pretty tough past weekend, and I was looking to let out a little steam...

So I (36M) got back home on Tuesday of this week, and had a bowling league night. It's not your typical league - it's more socially approachable I think. Avg age is probably in the low 30s, and it's a lot of our collective real nights out. I vape to help sleep and with anxiety (it's legal where I live and I have a medical card), but hadn't when I was visiting my parents. I took a tiny puff off of my pen and was feeling very good. We started bowling and as the course of the night went on, I didn't notice how many drinks I had between my own purcahses and friends buying rounds because of being a bit high. As a result, I browned out. Apparently my ex asked to stay the night, which my buddy told me I handled surprisingly well lol, but he ended up driving me in my car to my apt and had his fiance bring him back to get his. Stand up guy.

This is where things go downhill really fast. I don't quite recall doing it, but based on the carnage the next morning I ate about half of one of those huge bags of Sour Patch kids, made Annies white cheddar and shells, and for some reason put it in a flour wrap with grilled chicken like a burrito (there was about 1/4 of it left in the AM), and attempted to drink a pineapple high noon which was 3/4 full when I woke up. This begins what I do have glimpses of....

I threw up multiple times, which burned like hell because of the candy and beer, and if anyone has eaten a lot of gummy snacks, you can guess.... I had a pretty upset stomach. Between the alcohol and gummy candy I was bassically Kenny's dad without a nose bleed from that South Park episode. When I was done with the final sour patch deposit, I used my bidet attachment per usual. I didn't really feel it, but I remember thinking power = more clean. The Jeremy Clarkson approach if you will... Got all settled and slept on the couch, because that made more sense to my drunk brain.

I wake up the next day and I feel awful obviously. I slept most of the day and went to bed around 6. I woke up yesterday not feeling so hot either. Did basically the same thing, but ate normally because I hadn't pooped. I thought maybe I didn't have enough the day before after the sour patch enema.

So I get up today and I'm fine. I have breakfast, drink my coffee, and clean before jumping in the shower. II noticed it hurt to sit in certain ways and when I took my "coffee break" it hurt a bit. Like I ate sandpaper and it was scraping on the way out. So I get washed and try to figure out what it was. There was a very hard, painful lump on my b-hole. I immediately started freaking out and call my doctor. I get there and had to go through the less-than-glamorous process of showing my doctor the lump on my balloon knot.

I apparently burst a capillary with my bidet due to the pressure I had it on. He said it should heal, but in his words "Don't operate dangerous machinery when you're drunk." We laughed about it and now I'm home writing this. At this point, I honestly just think it's funny lol.

TL;DR : I drunkenly turned my tushy bidet attachment onto the hardest setting when I was brown out drunk and burst a blood vessel in my asshole that I had to show to my doctor up close and personal. I however am fine.

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