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Okay. So. For context, while I still think of him as a crush, we're kind of.. in a situationship? or something like that. Not quite exclusive but we've messed around a couple times and recognize each other's attraction. I would not say we're close by any means, but we did enjoy each other's presence.
However. I happened to text him while high. Now—idk why i thought this was a good idea. I was high. You know how it goes. And my high messages consisted of me gushing about how attractive i found him and how I'd been crushing on him for a while and was sooo happy when I gave him a ride home from work for the first time. And how I'd save silly memes i found on social media about crushes and having crushes and how sometimes I want to show him even though I know he would not understand them whatsoever (....yes, i know....). and THEN I ventured vaguely into talking about my insecurities, about how what if he doesn't think I'm cute or pretty and I'm just reading into things and if it was okay to ask him for reassurance. (not actually asking him, but kind of. thinking to myself?)
And then I woke the next mornign and immediately remembered and was like. Oh no. Oh good god no. And apologized via text immediately. Because i was mortified. Still am tbh
And that was saturday. Fast forward to the first day of the work week, I give him a ride home from work as per usual. Things are awkward. He had not said a word to me All Day. He didn't hold my hand like usual during the car ride, either.
Now fast forward to the next night, I find the courage to ask him. Hey! Did I happen to make you uncomfortable with my high thoughts! And he said! Yes! and I was like! Oh god I'm so sorry! And explain (again, except in person) that I was in fact high and am still very embarrassed and it was not my intention to make him feel that way. And then he goes, what was your intention then? And I was like. Man idk I was high :(
And then later that night, when we're both home, I text him after some thought. I told him that I guess I just happened to think of you while high and wanted to tell you how cool and attractive I think you are, andddd because I was high I did not do it in the best way possible. And apologized (for the umpteenth time).
Anyways, I'm still so, terribly, ENTIRELY angry at myself. Because I made things weird, and made him feel weird, and now I'm sad because I have no idea if he'll give me the time of day again or hold my hand again or give me a lil smooch again. Or if I've completely ruined my shot by being a weird freak.
TL;DR: I got high and decided it was a good idea to pour my heart out to my crush via text. And now things are weird and awkward and I am sad about it. Way to go, Me
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