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TIFU by outing my trans friend to my wife

I (27F) reconnected with an old primary school friend (28NB) a year ago when they moved back to town with their husband (38M). As we caught up, I admitted I hadn’t recognized them when I ran into them at the market as they were super girly when we were young, but now had a more edgy tomboyish style. This is when they told me they’d transitioned from F to M and were exploring transitioning to NB. I sympathized and let them know I’m here for them as I’m as gay as the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow. We exchanged numbers that afternoon and have kept in touch since, hanging out every few weeks for game nights with our partners.

Anyways, the evening we first ran into each other again I went home and excitedly told my wife (29F) all about running into them. She knows about said friend as I’d told her some of our childhood misadventures (we were rascals lol), so she was happy to hear that I’d run into “DeadName”. I gently corrected my wife that they go by NewName and they/them pronouns now, at which point my wife asked if they were trans and I confirmed (the conversation literally went “oh are they trans? Yeah. Oh good for them!) We never brought up that friend being trans again after that.

Sadly, a year later to today, and my friend tells me they’re getting divorced from their husband due to communication and trust issues. I picked them up for lunch so I could offer my support and we got some comfort food before talking about partners, trust, communication, the whole shebang. Turns out they never fully opened up to their partner and didn’t believe in doing so. They then jokingly asked if my wife and I share everything because “we seem the type” and “look like those kinda lesbians”, to which I said yes and that we never keep any secrets between us or tell any lies.

This seemed to surprised them, but I explained that my parents eventually divorced because of white lies that snowballed into full blown lying and trust issues, so I’d made it a point with my wife to build and maintain a strong foundation of trust. My friend then revealed that their parents divorced for similar reasons, but that they still felt like I was taking it too far in my honesty with my wife. At this point, they sat back and repeated their initial question, emphasizing if we shared “EVERYTHING everything” with each other. Confused, I said yes again. After a minute of silence, they asked if my wife knew that they were trans, to which I said yes and that it came up while I corrected her use of DeadName, giving them word for word how that conversation went.

Upset, they said that I shouldn’t have told my wife and I should’ve lied and told her that they weren’t trans or that they were someone else, but I responded that I could see that snowballing into a whole web of lies and I wasn’t okay deceiving my partner. I couldn’t foresee a situation where the lie wouldn’t have raised more questions, and sorry if it makes me an ass, but I’m not willing to lie to or withhold info from my wife for anyone’s sake. At the end of the day, she’s my family and I have to protect my family first and foremost.

At this point they left, leaving me with both their (rather pricey) bill and mine. I paid and rushed out to find them waiting for me by my car to take them home. As we got in, they kept repeating how I should’ve never told my wife and “she could divorce me and tell people who’d hunt them down and hurt them”. I was honestly scared for them at this point, so I asked if anyone was trying to hurt or follow them. They said no, but that my wife could tell people who would. At a loss, I apologized again and stayed silent for the rest of the drive.

After I dropped them off, they began messaging me, calling me a transphobe, and trans hater for endangering their life. They didn’t believe that I hadn’t told others, citing that me telling my wife was proof I must’ve told others, before blaming me for “valuing some woman over their ACTUAL LIFE AND SAFETY”. I kept apologizing and telling them I would’ve never told my WIFE if I remotely didn’t trust her, and I never intended to hurt them or put them in harm’s way. But, again, they couldn’t expect me to lie to my wife and I wouldn’t tolerate their disrespect of my wife and our marriage. As of a few minutes ago, they’re still spamming me with hate and idk what else to do.

Soooo that’s been my day and how TIFU by outing my trans friend to my wife.

——

TL;DR reconnected with an old childhood friend and told my wife about it. She unknowingly referred to friend using childhood DeadName which I corrected with their new name and pronouns, leading her to ask if friend is trans, which I confirmed.

Saw friend today for support as they’re getting a divorce due to trust issues and friend finds out my wife knows they’re trans. They’re shocked, I apologize for the surprise, and they get upset because they expected me to have lied to my wife. I told them I could/would never lie to wife; friend’s parents and mine all divorced due to trust issues so I could never repeat that. Friend leaves me with their large lunch bill, expected me to still take them home, and has been text spamming me hate speech and claims that my wife will send people after them for being trans.

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