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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by eating a 2 pound bag of pistachios

Now you may be thinking “why is this marked NSFW?” That’s because this post is very TMI. So keep that in mind.

I love pistachios. I don’t have them all the time because they’re expensive, but my mom would sometimes buy them as a treat when I was a kid and I would have a handful here and there. It had been years since I’ve bought them for myself.

Last week, I saw a big 2 lb bag of Wonderful pistachios for cheap at Costco and thought I would buy them as a snack to keep at work. I just started a new job that is very demanding and sometimes it’s impossible for me to take a lunch break. I hadn’t had pistachios in a while and figured it would be a good quick snack to pop in my mouth when I’m peckish. I thought I would limit myself, but these fuckers are so easy to eat. I’ve been eating them constantly these past few days. Before work? A handful of pistachios. Feeling bored in the morning? Handful of pistachios. Lunch break is late, handful of pistachios. I’m snacking on them in the car to and from work, and while I’m making dinner. I bought the pistachios on the weekend and it’s Wednesday, the bag is almost gone.

Now the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling randomly… horny. Like no trigger or anything. All the sudden I get an itch that I can’t scratch, if you know what I mean. No big deal, it happens sometimes.

Today, I woke up with the most uncomfortable, tingling, annoying and burning sensation in my nether regions. I go to the bathroom and it doesn’t go away. I eat breakfast, and it’s still there. My reproductive organs are practically BARKING. I get worried and look it up because this doesn’t usually happen. My libido is typically mild at best. After some research, I found the culprit.

Pistachios are an aphrodisiac.

Eating 2 to 3 ounces a day can help woth erectile disfunction.

I’ve been munching on these puppies NONSTOP for DAYS and I’ve probably eaten THIRTY ounces in the span of 48 hours

I’m currently stuck here at work, waddling around for hours with the most uncomfortable, itchy, flaming hot MONSTER between my legs. At least now I know what to do if I ever need “assistance” in the bedroom.

TLDR; I ate almost 2 pounds of pistachios, an aphrodisiac, in 2-3 days and it gave me an hours long boner.

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