Skip to main content

TIFU by eating chocolate covered pretzels

Post a Comment

TIFU by eating a 2 pound bag of pistachios

Now you may be thinking “why is this marked NSFW?” That’s because this post is very TMI. So keep that in mind.

I love pistachios. I don’t have them all the time because they’re expensive, but my mom would sometimes buy them as a treat when I was a kid and I would have a handful here and there. It had been years since I’ve bought them for myself.

Last week, I saw a big 2 lb bag of Wonderful pistachios for cheap at Costco and thought I would buy them as a snack to keep at work. I just started a new job that is very demanding and sometimes it’s impossible for me to take a lunch break. I hadn’t had pistachios in a while and figured it would be a good quick snack to pop in my mouth when I’m peckish. I thought I would limit myself, but these fuckers are so easy to eat. I’ve been eating them constantly these past few days. Before work? A handful of pistachios. Feeling bored in the morning? Handful of pistachios. Lunch break is late, handful of pistachios. I’m snacking on them in the car to and from work, and while I’m making dinner. I bought the pistachios on the weekend and it’s Wednesday, the bag is almost gone.

Now the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling randomly… horny. Like no trigger or anything. All the sudden I get an itch that I can’t scratch, if you know what I mean. No big deal, it happens sometimes.

Today, I woke up with the most uncomfortable, tingling, annoying and burning sensation in my nether regions. I go to the bathroom and it doesn’t go away. I eat breakfast, and it’s still there. My reproductive organs are practically BARKING. I get worried and look it up because this doesn’t usually happen. My libido is typically mild at best. After some research, I found the culprit.

Pistachios are an aphrodisiac.

Eating 2 to 3 ounces a day can help woth erectile disfunction.

I’ve been munching on these puppies NONSTOP for DAYS and I’ve probably eaten THIRTY ounces in the span of 48 hours

I’m currently stuck here at work, waddling around for hours with the most uncomfortable, itchy, flaming hot MONSTER between my legs. At least now I know what to do if I ever need “assistance” in the bedroom.

TLDR; I ate almost 2 pounds of pistachios, an aphrodisiac, in 2-3 days and it gave me an hours long boner.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more